SMS and Jokes

Limericks and Poems (Jokes)

I'd rather have fingers than toes, I'd rather have ears than a nose, And a happy erection Brought just to perfection Makes me terribly sad when it goes.

My dearest duck and darling chicken I read your letter while i was shittin The ground was hard and wet the grass So I used your letter to wipe my ass

ESKIMO NELL - A TALE OF THE FROZEN NORTH When men grow old and their ball turn cold And the tip of their pricks turn blue They look back on their life of trouble and strife And tell you a tale or two So buy a drink, and I'll try to think Of a tale that I can tell Of Dead Eye Dick and his mighty prick And a harlot named Eskimo Nell When Dead Eye Dick and Mexican Pete Go out in search of fun It's Dead Eye Dick who swings his prick And Mexican Pete his gun Now Dead Eye Dick and Mexican Pete Had been working Dead Man's Creek They'd had no luck in the way of a fuck For well nigh over a week Save a Moose or two and a Caribou A Bison, a Cow or so And Dead Eye Dick with his mighty prick Had found this fucking slow So Dead Eye Dick and Mexican Pete Set out for the Rio Grande Dead Eye Dick with a raving stand And Pete with his gun in his hand And as they blazed their randy trail No man their way withstood But many a bride, once Hubby's pride Knew pregnant motherhood They reached the shore of the Rio Grande At the height of the blazing noon To slake their thirst and do their worst They sought Black Mike's Saloon And as they crashed through the swinging doors Both gun and prick flashed free "According to sex, you bleeding wrecks You'll fuck or you'll drink with me" They knew the tricks of Dead Eye Dick's From Cape Horn to Panama So with nothing worse than a muttered curse Those Dagoes sought the bar But the women knew his playful ways Down in the Rio Grande So forty whores took down their drawers At Dead Eye Dick's command They saw the finger of Mexican Pete Slip to his pistol's grip None dared wait and at a fearful rate Those whores began to strip And Dead Eye Dick was breathing quick With lecherous snorts and grunts As forty arses came to light Along with forty cunts Forty arses and forty cunts You'll see if you use your wits And if you're slick at arithmetic You'll find means eighty tits Now four score tits is a thrilling sight For a man with a mighty stand A sight that's rare on Berkley Square But not on the Rio Grande Now Dead Eye Dick had oiled his prick Upon the previous night And this he'd done to have some fun And whet his appetite His phallic limb was in fighting trim So backing he took a run He made a jump for the nearest cunt And scored a hole-in-one He bore that whore to the sandy floor And fairly fucked her fine And though she grinned she put the wind Up the other thirty-nine Whenever Dick performs that trick He has no time to spare With speed and strength combined with length He hardly ruffles his hair Now Dead Eye Dick, he fucks them quick So he threw the first aside And he made a dart at the second tart When the swing doors opened wide And into that horrible hall of sin Into that harlot's Hell There strode a maid who's never afraid And her name was Eskimo Nell Now Dead Eye Dick had got his prick Well into number two When Eskimo Nell let out a yell And shouted "Dick, Hey you"! He gave a flick of his mighty prick And the whore flew over his head He turned about and with a mighty shout His face and brow turning red But Eskimo Nell she took it well And looked him between the eyes She glanced at his horn with utter scorn As it rose from his hairy thighs She puffed a jet from her cigarette Right at his steaming knob But Mexican Pete was so utterly beat That he failed to do his job Eskimo Nell then broke the spell In accents clear and cool "You cunt-struck shrimp of a Yankee pimp Do you call that thing a tool?" "If this whole town can't take that down" She sneered at the cowering whores "There's one little cunt that will beat the runt And it's Eskimo Nell's not yours" She stripped her garments one by one Smiling with conscious pride Till there she stood in her womanhood And they saw the great divide He laid her down on the tabletop Where someone had left a glass As he wriggled her tits she smashed it to bits Between the cheeks of her arse With subtle ease she bent her knees And spread them wide apart And with a gentle nod to the waiting sod She gave him the cue to start But Dead Eye Dick knew many a trick And proceeded to take his time A wench like this was a fucking bliss So he played a pantomime He flicked his foreskin up and down And made his balls inflate Until they looked like granite knobs Upon a garden gate He winked his arsehole in and out And his balls increased in size His mighty prick grew twice as thick And nearly reached his eyes He polished the top with alcohol To make it steaming hot And to finish the job he sprinkled his knob With the cayenne pepper pot He didn't back up or take a run Nor take a flying leap He didn't stoop but with a swoop And a steady forward creep He took sight with piercing light Along his flaming tool And the dead slow way he shoved it in Was calculating cool Have you ever seen the pistons work? On a giant C.P.R. With a driving force of a thousand horse Then you know what pistons are Or maybe you think you do But you have to know the trick Of the work that's done on a non-stop run By a man like Dead Eye Dick But Eskimo Nell was an infidel She equaled a whole harem With the strength of ten in her abdomen And the rock of ages abeam Amidships she could stand a sea Like the flush of a water closet And she gripped his cock like a Chalwood lock On the National Safe Deposit But Dead Eye Dick would not come quick He meant to preserve his power To make her feel his red hot steel Rammed home for many an hour So he lay for a while with a subtle smile While the grip of her cunt grew keener Till with a flick of her thigh she sucked him dry With the ease of a vacuum cleaner She performed this feat in a way so neat That she set at great defiance The primary clause of the basic laws That governs sexual science She simply rode through the phallic code Which for ages stood the test The erotic rules of the classic schools Each blinking one went West And now dear friend I'm near the end Of this copulative epic The effect on Dick was sudden and quick Akin to an anesthetic He hit the floor and knew no more His lust extinct and dead His knob came out but he didn't shout Even though it must have stripped the thread Then Mexican Pete leapt to his feet To avenge his pal's affront With a savage jolt he shoved his colt Right up her steaming cunt He felt it slip up to the pistol grip And he fired twice times three But to his surprise she closed her eyes And wriggled in ecstacy Her smile was sweet as she found her feet "Bully" she said "for you" I might have guessed that was the best Two shrimps like you could do Next time my friend that you intend To sally forth for fun Give Dead Eye Dick a sugar stick And buy yourself a bun I'm going back to the frozen North Where pricks are hard and strong Back to the land of the mighty stand Where the nights are six months long Back to the land where they understand What it means to copulate Where the frozen dead sleep two in a bed And even infants masturbate Where you get it in as hard as tin And spunk is really spunk Not a trickling stream like lukewarm steam But a frozen solid chunk So Eskimo Nell said farewell To Black Mike and the forty whores And jumped on her horse not forgetting of course To re-arrange her drawers And as she rode through the silent night On towards the dawn The Northern Lights saw some wonderful sights And even the moon had a horn Now this horse of Nell's was under her spells And he felt primeval amour And he soon had a stand that she felt with her hand And it tickled her fancy, The whore So she got off her steed and quickly peed Then slipped from her underwear Laid the horse close down to her on the ground And they made the perfect pair Soon in intercourse she was locked with the horse Buggery as you can see But Eskimo Nell knew very well Here was the ultimate ecstasy Now Eskimo Nell has settled down well And fucks twice a week or more often And to keep in practice she'll fuck a cactus To ensure her cunt doesn't soften She's had lots of shag from her faithful nag It's thrilled her and filled her with spunk And so great was the spell that she's had it as well From an elephant, both prick and trunk

An accountant from Trinity Hall Had a most mathematical ball The square of its weight Plus his prick minus eight Equalled four times root cubed of fuck all!

A girl who hiked o'er the land Once showed me a trick with her hand. She zipped down her pants, Adjusted her stance, And peed out my name in the sand!

The naughty old bishop of Birmingham buggered two boys whilst confirming 'em as they knelt before god he pulled out his rod and pumped his Episcopal sperm in 'em

There once was this bum fucking faggot! He'd see anything male, and he'd shag it! One day he fucked the wrong ass Now he's pushing up grass And his only mate is a maggot!

We lay upon the grassy bank My hands were all a quiver I slowly undid her suspender belt Her leg fell in the river

Old MacDonald had a farm But we beat him to death. And took it over. (Zimbabwe Nursery Rhyme)

There was a young girl from Uttoxeter And the boys used to all flash their cocks at 'er 'Till one night she got hot And poxed up the lot So now they just throw bricks & rocks at 'er!

A gravestone in an old western cemetery reads: Here lies the bones of a screwy prick, a man blessed at birth with a corkscrew dick. He spent his life in a futile hunt, to find that girl with the corkscrew cunt. When he found her he soon fell dead, the son-of-a-bitch had a left-hand thread

There was a young girl from Carshalton Who had a long tit and a short 'un To make up for that She had a big twat And could fart like a 650 Norton!

My wife just left, and the well went dry. My horse is sick and about to die. Then my still blew up and the barn burned down, And the road washed out on the way to town. Then my dog got rabies and bit the cat, And they both died soon after that. Now I lost my specs, and my pipe-stem broke, So I can't even sit and read and smoke. A tree fell on the chicken shed, And most of the hens got smashed plumb dead. Then a chimney fire took half of a wall, And this old shack is about to fall. Then I caught my heel on an old dead vine, And sat smack dab on a porcupine. Then a beaver dam broke and my bridge washed out, And my watch stopped working and I've got the gout. And the bank foreclosed, so I've lost my place, And my cow disappeared without a trace. They cut off my credit at the grocery store, And I lost my job and a whole lot more. I must have been hexed by a triple curse, As things keep going from bad to worse. And now fate has hit me a last dirty crack, To top off the worst ... my wife's coming back!

Hi, The sky is blue The grass is green The harder I fuck The louder you scream. The louder you scream The better I fuck So give me a yell And you might be in luck

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, Created a pussy to their design. First was a butcher, smart and with, Using a knife, he gave it a slit. Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, Using a hammer and chissel, he gave it a hole. Third was a tailor, tall and thin, With a piece of red velvet, he lines it within. Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, With a piece of fox fur, he lined it without. Fifth was a fisherman nasty as hell, He threw in a fish, and gave it a smell. Next came a preacher whose name was McGee, Touched it and blessed it and said it could pee. Last came a biker, dirty little runt, Sucked it and fucked it and called it a cunt.

The sky was dark The moon was high All alone Just her and I Her hair so soft Her eyes so blue I knew just what She wanted to do Her skin so soft Her legs so fine I ran my fingers Down her spine I didn't know how But I tried my best To place my hand On her breasts I remember my fear My fast beating heart But slowly she spread Her legs apart And when she did it I felt no shame All at once The white stuff came At last it's finished It's all over now My first time Milking a cow!

We received our greatest ovation When we sunk a junk In a sea of spunk By mutual masturbation

There was a young fellow from Buckingham Who stood on the bridge at Uppingham Watching the stunts of the cunts in the punts And the tricks of the dicks That were fucking them

There was a young man from Madras Who lay in the grass with a lass He played oh so cool Till she tickled his tool And it foamed like a bottle of Bass

She looked so fair, in the midnight air, With the wind blowing up her nightie... Her tits hung loose, like the balls of a moose, Jesus Christ Almighty... The nipples on her tits were as big as my thumb, The wiggle of her ass could make a dead man come, She sucks like a vacuum, and she's real fucking dumb, She's the girl for me.

There once was a guy from El Doot, Who found seven huge warts on his root, He put acid on these, And now, when he pees, He's got to finger the thing like a flute.

There once was a fellow named Dave Who dug up a whore from her grave She was mouldy as shit and missing a tit But think of the money he saved

Roses are red, Lemons are sour, Please spread your legs, And give me an hour

There was a young man from Mauritius, Who said 'That fuck was delicious' But the next time I cum, It will be up your bum, Coz that scab on your cunt looks suspicious!!

There was an old girl from Kilkenny, Whose usual charge was a penny. But for half of that sum You could roger her bum A source of amusement for many.

There was a young lady from Kew Who filled her vagina with glue. She said with a grin, "If they pay to get in, They'll pay to get out of it, too."

There was a young girl named Sapphire Who succumbed to her lover's desire. She said, "It's a sin, but now that it's in, Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

And drain your balls to the core.

There was a young girl of Angina Who stretched catgut across her vagina. From the love-making frock (With the proper sized cock) Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.

If his father had seen That the end of his condom was torn!

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Jokes