SMS and Jokes

Limericks and Poems (Jokes)

There once was a man from Cape Horn Who wished that he'd never been born. He wouldn't have been. If his father had seen. That the end of his condom was torn!

Said Mary, "I do beg your pardon, But I once had a tree in my garden, With a trunk long and thick, But I have to admit, 'Twas nothing, compared to John's hard'un..."

A girl who hiked o'er the land Once showed me a trick with her hand. She zipped down her pants, Adjusted her stance, And peed out my name in the sand!

It's easy to please young Miss Flattery, She wants not a hat from the hattery, Nor shoes alligator, But for her vibrator, She's thrilled with the gift of a battery.

Hickory dickory dock some girl was sucking my cock The clock struck two I shot my goo And dumped the bitch on the next block.

An epileptic young woman named Camp Was seduced on her couch by a tramp But the first time he squeezed her She had a Grand seizure And broke both his balls and a lamp.

A Limerick Of Classic Proportion Should Have Meter And Rhyme And Proportion Of Humour Quite Lewd And Frightfully Crude And Impossible Sexual Contortion.

There once was a preacher's daughter Who resented the pony he bought her Till she found that it's dong Was as hard and as long As the prayers her father had taught her

There once was a man named Mort Whose dick was incredibly short He climbed into bed And his lady friend said, "That's not a dick, it's a wart".

All over the bed we did roam I swear from my mouth I did foam I was just fit to pop When we both had to stop.. As a voice said "Hey honey, I'm home!!"

Under the spreading chestnut tree The village smith he sat, Amusing himself By abusing himself And catching the load in his hat.

There was a young lady named Nance Who learned about fucking in France, And when you'd insert it She'd squeeze till she hurt it, And shove it right back in your pants.

There once was a girl from Sidney Who could take it right up to her kidney But a guy from Quebec Shoved it up to her neck He had a long one, now didn't he.

On the banks of the Thames stood Lord Buckingham Dreaming of tits and of sucking them While watching the stunts Of the cunts in the punts And the tricks of the pricks who were fuckin' 'em

Two school-kids around Aberystwyth Made love with the lips that they kissed with But as they got older They also grew bolder Making love with the things that they pissed with

There once was a fellow named Dave Who dug up a whore from her grave She was mouldy as shit and missing a tit But think of the money he saved

There once was a man from Bombay Who ate gallons of beans everyday He farted so loud He attracted a crowd But the smell made them all run away

There was a young dancer, Priscillla, Who flavoured her cunt with vanilla. The taste was so fine, Men and beasts stood in line, Including a stud armadilla.

A remarkable race are the Persians, They have such peculiar diversions. They screw the whole day In the regular way, And save up the nights for perversions.

There was a chicken farmer from Hay, Who found his hens wouldn't lay; The trouble was Brewster, His champion rooster; You see, Brewster the rooster was gay

There was a young lady of Spain Whose face was excessively plain But her cunt had a pucker That made the men fuck'er Again and again and again.

A mortician who practiced in Fife Made love to the corpse of his wife "How could I know, Judge? She was cold, did not budge Just the same as she'd acted in life."

I once met a gaucho named Bruno Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know a woman is fine and a sheep is divine but a llama is Numero Uno"

Across from my house is young Mabel And if her curtains stay open I'm able To watch her caressing Herself while undressing As long as I stand on this table.

There was a young girl in Berlin Who eeked out a living through sin. She didn't mind fucking, But much preferred sucking, And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.

A notorious hooker named Shore Would allow horny sailors to score, But employed every means Of avoiding Marines- She was rotten, they claimed, to the Corps.

A virgin with eyes that were blue, Was told that it's sinful to screw. So she rubbed on her clit, But swore that she'd quit, At least in the next year or two.

There was a young woman from Wild, Who kept herself quite undefiled, By thinking of Jesus... Contagious diseases.... And the bother of having a child.

I once had a ladyfriend, Rose, Double-jointed she was I suppose. And I watched fascinated, As Rose masturbated; Herself with the tip of her nose.

A worried young man from Stamboul, Discovered red spots on his tool. Said the doctor, a cynic, "Get out of my clinic; Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool."

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Jokes