SMS and Jokes

Kids and School (Jokes)

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, He politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, And I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?' Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

One afternoon a little girl returned from school, and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from. Amused and curious the mother replied, "Really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the Mommy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thing sort of stands up, and then Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of just does stuff, and that's where babies come from!" Her Mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh, honey that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from, that's where jewellery comes from."

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in North London and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Spurs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Spurs fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Spurs fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Spurs fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm an Arsenal fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you an Arsenal fan?" "Because my mum and dad are from Highbury, and my mum is an Arsenal fan and my dad is an Arsenal fan, so I'm an Arsenal fan too!" "Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be an Arsenal fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

A six year old girl walks into the bathroom when her father is having a shower. "Daddy, daddy, what's that?", she said pointing at his genitalia. "Oh, erm, it's a hedgehog!", he embarrassingly replied. "Well it's got a hell of a big dick", she snapped back.

A woman takes a lover in the afternoon while her husband is working. One day her little boy comes home early and she puts him in the closet. Then the husband comes home early too, she puts the lover in the same closet. Boy: Sure is dark in here. Lover: Sure is. Boy: I have a baseball Lover: How nice. Boy: Want to buy it? Lover: How much? Boy:$25.00 Lover: That's outrageous. Boy My dad is outside. Lover: Ok I will buy it. A few weeks later the same thing happens and they both end up in the closet again. Boy: Sure is dark in here Lover: Sure is. Boy: I have a baseball glove. Lover: remembering the last time says "How much?" Boy:$75.00 The lover buys the glove. Shortly after the father says to the boy," Lets go out and catch some ball." The little boy says he can't because he sold his ball and glove. Father: For how much? Boy: $100.00. Father: That was much more than they were worth that is terrible to over charge your friends like that I think you need to go to church and confess. So the father takes the boy to church and the little boy gets into the confessional and waits for the priest. He hears the door close on the other side and he says "Sure is dark in here" and the priest says "Don't start that stuff again!"

A high-school English teacher reminded her class of the final exam that would be given the following day. She told the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."

account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week". "My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"? "I will if those useless wankers at the builders merchants ever bring us the fucking bricks", replied the little girl.

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?" "Because I'm thinking of buying these horses." Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!" "Why?" his father asked. "Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom...!"

The vicar was standing outside the church when a sweet little girl is walking along with her dog. "Hello little girl, I've not seen you around here before, what's your name?" asks the vicar. "My name is Petal" replies the sweet little thing. "Oh what a lovely name" says the vicar "Why did mummy and daddy call you that?" "Cos when I was growing in my mummy's tummy one day mummy and daddy went on a picnic and a rose petal drifted down to land on mummy's tummy and daddy said if we have a girl we'll call her Petal" "That's a lovely story" says the vicar "and what's your little dog called?" "Oh his name is Porky" says Petal. "I suppose that's because of his curly tail" says the reverend. "No" replies Petal "It's because he fucks pigs"

Little Johnny went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So little Johnny went to his mother and asked "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that." Johnny then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh absolutely, I'd just love to do that! I'd do it for free!" Then he went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?" Johnny pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically? Little Johnny replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag.

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female." This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white." This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this Little Johnny's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God ... Michael Jackson?"

A few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause we're leaving." The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language." Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." "For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."

She said, "Not until you feed the animals." The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk. And I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon." Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over their little pussy cat, kicking the cat in the process. The boy said, "Mum should I tell him or you?"

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!" The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little Johnny says, "Oh, No, Miss Rogers! You're thinking of a blowjob."

One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'PENIS' in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and began class. The next day, she went into the room, she noticed in large letters the word 'PENIS' again; this time written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's larger than the previous one. Finally one day, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says ,"My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Johnny jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious"

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter." The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy." A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter." "That's right!" she coaxed. Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"

for a little while. You two stay here and watch TV, okay?" The two boys nod in agreement, and the parents take off upstairs. The eldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on, so he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and just shakes his head. Back downstairs, he says to his little brother, "Be real quiet, and follow me." Together, they tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and whispers, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to get mad at us for sucking our thumbs."

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. "Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6, I got the 'there's no Santa speech'. At 7, I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny speech'. When I was 8, you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for."

At Sunday-School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of Adam's rib. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what's the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

A teacher is talking to her class full of infants "If your mother was a bird, what sort would she be?" she asks the children The first child says - "If my mummy was a bird, she'd be a dove", "That's nice" said the teacher, "why's that?" Because she's beautiful and pure and reminds me of a dove" says the little boy "If my mummy was a bird, she'd be a stork" says the second boy, "Oh and why's that?" says the teacher "Because she's tall and elegant and reminds me of a stork" says the boy "If my mummy was a bird she'd be a thrush" says the third boy "Why's that?" says the teacher "Because she's an irritating cunt!"

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I'm asking for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies. "In Susie's room, It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job, You'll need to support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "That's okay, I'll just keep shagging her up the arse for now..."

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having that sort of shit in our garden."

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop said, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"

The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered for a long time until little Mary stood up, angry, and said the teacher should not be asking 6th graders a question like that. She was going to tell her parents, who would tell the principal who would fire the teacher! The teacher ignored her and asked the question again. "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Finally Billy stood up and said that the body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye. The teacher said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and said,"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: Number one, you have a dirty mind. Number two, you didn't read your homework. Number three, one day, you will be very, very disappointed."

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?" And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby?" She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says, "I don't fink my pyfon gives a fuck!"

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mum? I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go to school." "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Head Teacher!"

A little boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog behind him. He asks for a prostitute with herpes. The lady says "Ok, whatever turns you on" and takes him upstairs. On his way out the lady says "why did you want one with herpes?" the boy says "Well, if I shag her then I get herpes, I go home and shag the babysitter and she gets herpes, my dad comes home and shags the babysitter and he gets herpes, my mum comes home and shags my dad and she gets herpes, the milkman comes round and shags my mum - and THAT'S THE BASTARD THAT KILLED MY FROG!"

A woman working for a Market Research Organization, calls the next phone number on her list. A little boy answered and whispered, "Hello". The woman asked if his mother was there? The little boy whispered, "Yes". The woman asked if she could speak with her? The little boy whispered, "No, she's busy." The woman asked if his father was there? The little boy whispered, "Yes". The woman asked if she could speak with him? The little boy whispered, "No, he's busy too." The woman asked if anyone else was there? The little boy whispered, "Yes, the fire department is here". The woman said, "May I speak with one of them?" The little boy whispered, "No, they're all busy." The woman asked if anyone else was there? The little boy whispered, "Yes, the police department." The woman said, "May I speak with one of them?" The little boy whispered, "No, they're all busy too." The woman said, "May I ask what they're all doing"? The little boy whispered, "They're all looking for me."

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Jokes