SMS and Jokes

Kids and School (Jokes)

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe mummy will do the trick she promised us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dearie?" The little boy replied, "Mummy told daddy that she'd climb the fucking walls next time you came to visit!"

let ME down, you've let THE SCHOOL down, and, worst of all, you've let YOURSELF down..."

A group of third, fourth and fifth class pupils accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to Leopardstown Racecourse in Dublin to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting equine industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an primary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said. "No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift though."

The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time that she understood the facts of life. "Melanie," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy and..." "It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom," interrupted the daughter, "but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm."

Vicar: What's that you're doing, Tommy? Tommy: Sticking bangers up frog's arses, Vicar Vicar: Rectum, Tommy Tommy: Blows 'em to fucking pieces, Vicar!

More Bart Simpson's Chalk Board Writings I will not teach others to fly. I will not create weapons of mass destruction during school hours. I will not skateboard in the halls. I will not instigate revolution. I will not draw naked ladies in class. I did not see Elvis. I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes". Garlic gum is not funny. They are laughing at me, not with me. I will not encourage others to fly. I will not fake my way through life. Tar is not a plaything. I will not Xerox my butt. It's potato, not potatoe. I will not trade pants with others. I am not a 32 year old woman. I will not do that thing with my tongue. I will not drive the principal's car. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart. I will not sell school property. I will not get very far with this attitude. I will not belch the National Anthem. I will not grease the monkey bars. I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment. I will not do anything bad ever again. I will not sleep through my education. I am not a dentist. Spitwads are not free speech. Nobody likes sunburn slappers. High explosives and school don't mix. I will finish what I sta "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender. Underwear should be worn on the inside. I will not cut corners. Hamsters cannot fly I will not bribe Principal Skinner I will not burp in class. I will not make flatulent noises in class I will not sell land in Florida I will not squeak chalk I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom The Christmas pageant does not stink

It was the last day of the school year, and Miss Figpot was talking to her fourth grade class. She asked "What will you be doing this summer?" "Me and my family will go to the beach a lot," Suzie answered. "That sounds like fun," said Miss Figpot. "How about you, Emma? What will you do this summer?" "My family just bought new bikes will ride together." Emma replied enthusiastically. "That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her students until she got to Little Johnny in the back of the room. "What will you do this summer, Johnny?" "Nothing," Little Johnny responded timidly. "Nothing? Aren't you going to do anything with your family?" she asked, trying to get Little Johnny to use his imagination. "Nothing." He replied "Will you go to the beach?" "No." "Will you ride bikes?" "No, never!" Little Johnny burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!" "Why not?" said the shocked Miss Figpot. "I don't know," explained Little Johnny, "But dad always says, when mom and sis start 'cycling together', it's time to get the hell out of town."

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best: 1. No need to boil. 2. Cats can't steal it. 3. Available whenever necessary. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer: 4. Available in attractive containers.

Dear Mum and Dad: It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY! Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective. Yours- Your Loving Daughter

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions. After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!" "Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down, and Johnny lets out a scream. His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling. He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K k k kiss it better." Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!"

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No." The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No, now go play." The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?" The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney world!"

One day at school the teacher asks the children who can do any farmyard noises. A little girl at the back stands up and does a Quack sound. "That's very good" says the teacher - "Anyone else"??. At this point another little girls stands up and shouts "Moooooooo" - once again the teacher praises the girl's efforts. "Can anyone else have a go at farmyard impressions"?? the teacher enquires. Johnny stands up and says "OK here goes" "Oi - Get off that FUCKING TRACTOR"!!

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other end. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend? The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the fucking goalie!"

Once there was this boy and every day he brought his teacher some raisins. He kept bringing them and bringing them until one day he didn't bring any. The teacher was curious. "Why didn't you bring me any raisins" asked the teacher. The boy replied ,"My rabbit died".

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative." "However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A Dublin voice from the back of the room piped up: "Yeah. Roight."

Little Johnny was misbehaving with the nanny. The father overheard the raucous and yelled, "Do you want me to come over there with the belt?" Johnny said, "No, thanks. I think I can handle her myself."

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move. "It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."

What school report cards really mean: "A born leader" - Runs a protection racket "Easy-going" - Bone idle "Good progress" - You should have seen him a year ago "Friendly" - Never shuts up "Helpful" - A creep "Reliable" - Informs on his friends "Expresses himself confidently" - Impertinent "Enjoys physical education" - A bully "Does not accept authority easily" - Dad is in prison "Often appears tired" - Stays up all night watching television "A rather solitary child" - He smells "Popular in the playground" - Sells pornography

It seems that a young couple had just got married and spent their first wedding night with the young man's parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food. She went to the bottom the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newly-weds. After a long wait, the family ate without them. The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think..." "Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year- old. At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat. As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat? Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up. At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think..." "Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily. "I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3 year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her finger with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my snot?"

Little Johnny's next door neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, little Johnny's Dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbours. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt hard when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his missing ears at all," said Little Johnny. At the neighbour's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself for Little Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?" The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?" Little Johnny said, "Well, it is a good thing, 'cause he sure as shit can't wear glasses."

Recent tests found that 54% of California's fourth graders scored below average in basic skills. 'That's almost half!' said a stunned fourth grade teacher.

This is the answering machine message the Pacific Palisades High School (California) Staff voted to record on their school telephone answering system. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes. This was voted unanimously by the office staff as the actual answering machine message for the school: "Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection: To lie about why your child is absent, press 1 To make excuses for why your child did not do his work, press 2 To complain about what we do, press 3 To swear at staff members, press 4 To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you, press 5 If you want us to raise your child, press 6 If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, press 7 To request another teacher for the third time this year, press 8 To complain about bus transportation, press 9 To complain about school lunches, press 0 If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your children's lack of effort . . . hang up and have a nice day!"

A female university student was asked how much money she would need to convert the university dormitories into a brothel. "Just small change." "How come?" "To make a phone call to the dormitories and say that we are legalized."

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to old age pensioners, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

A four-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited ... and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life." From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda."

Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mummy when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mummy that night. They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mummy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mum was.

Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny yells out ... "Okay everyone in the house, please be advised that I, Little Johnny, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"

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