SMS and Jokes

Kids and School (Jokes)

One day Little Johnny got curious and asked his mother, "Where do white babies come from?" His mother answered "The stork." Little Johnny then asked, "Where do black babies come from? "His mother replied "Ravens." Then Little Johnny asked, "Where do no babies come from?" And his mother said, "Swallows."

KIDS 1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mum! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!" 2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents." 3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." 4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" 5) POLICE No. 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? "Yes, that's right," I told Her. "Well, then, "she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?" 6) POLICE No. 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said," What'd he do?" 7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" 8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. " 9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought ! his father always said: "Glory be unto the faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes." 10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother . "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!" 11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

Mary comes home from her date with Tom and is on cloud nine. She happily tears off her clothes, tosses them all around the room jumps into bed and falls fast asleep. The next morning her mum comes in and wakes Mary up and says, " How was your date last night?" "It was alright, I guess." "It must have been a lot better than that," says mum, " Your panties are still stuck to the ceiling."

A man's four year old son came home from Sunday School one day. When he asked him what he'd learned that day, the boy was quiet for a minute and then said "Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticised?" The wife cracked up and told him the term was "circumcised," but the answer was still yes.

My son often leaves yellow sticky messages for me on my computer monitor, things like "I need pencils" or "PTA wants money"... All manner of semi-important things I generally need reminding of get posted this way. It works. I usually take care of the message right away, or by days end if at all possible. One day I went to the computer and found a yellow Post-it with the following note; "My Dixie wrecked." I read it a few times but whatever it meant refused to sink in. I tried putting it out of my mind but it kept coming back. My Dixie wrecked, my dixie wrecked... Weird how that puzzling note refused to leave my awareness.... It would go quietly to the back of my mind and play over and over but never would it leave. I'd bring it to the front of my attention and review it closely; My Dixie wrecked... Hmmm....I got up for coffee and muttered to myself; "My Dixie wrecked" I wonder what that means? I even said it out loud a few times; "My Dixie wrecked! What's the meaning of that? I even asked my Mum; I said to her; "My Dixie wrecked. What does that mean? I'd change the accents; my-dixie-Wrecked. My-dixie-wrecked. My-Dixie-wrecked. It was driving me nuts. My son finally got home from school and I blurted out... "My Dicks Erect! What the hell does that mean?" My son is such a creep. Sometimes I think he's even better than me.

One day, little 5 year old Johnny walked into the bathroom where his mother, having just got out of the shower, stood totally naked. Looking a bit confused, he asked her, "Mummy, what's that split between your legs?" A little taken aback, she then answered, "Oh, that's where Daddy accidentally hit me with the axe" "Good shot" replied Johnny, "Right in the cunt".

Then, helping Miriam into her coat, Sharon asks, "Now Miriam, where are your gloves?" Miriam replies, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots, teacher." PS Sharon will soon be coming out of psychiatric care.

The following come from a Catholic elementary school test. Pupils were asked questions about the Old Testament and the following replies, incorrect spelling and all, were the result. In the first book of the bible, Guiness, God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath of. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of the Ark. Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the philistines with the ass of the apostles. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he actually obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, "He was born in a manger." Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple." Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it." Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?" "From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'

A kid, around 10 years old, ragged and dirty, is sitting on the kerb. A very shapely young lady passes. The kid calls out, "Hey miss, miss?" Lady stops, and he asks, WIll you give me some pussy? Lady slaps him across the face and walks off, leaving the little urchin crying. Lady starts to ponder: "Geez, he's only about 10 years old, and probably doesn't know what he's saying". Lady returns and walks up to the little boy and and says, "I'm sorry for slapping you" Between snuffles, he replies, "That's ok, ma'am" She decides to take him in the alley and give him some. Surprisingly the kid had a big dick and knew what he was doing. After the lady had 2 big orgasms and the kid shot his load, the lady asked, " Do you ask every lady that question?" Urchin: Yes Ma'am! Lady: Then you must get a lot of slaps then. Urchin: Yes, Ma'am. But I also get a lot of pussy too!

Rejected titles by Dr. Seuss The Cat in the Blender Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert Fox in Detox Who Shat in the Hat? Yentl the Lentil My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket Oh, the Places You'll scratch and Sniff!

Kids In Church ... 3-year-old Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen." A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys." One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time that she understood the facts of life. "Liza," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy and..." "It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mum," interrupted the daughter, "but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm."

Children's Comments About Angels I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. Gregory, 5 I hear angels all the time in my dreams. And I'm sticking with that no matter how many people tell me I'm crazy. Molly, 8 Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why but scientists are working on it. Olive, 9 It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew, 9 My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. Henry, 8 Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from holy cows. Jack, 6 Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The basic message is where you went wrong before you gotz dead. Daniel, 9 When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. Regan, 10 Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. Sara, 6 Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. Jared, 8 All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. Antonia, 9 My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. Katelyn, 9 Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the kid get over it. Vicki, 8 What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. Sarah, 7

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for the four-year old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience. The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what w as going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why." Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life - - like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?" The four- year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, So they don't have to stay as long."

One day when my wife and I had to run out to the shop for 5 mins, We left our 4 year old unattended with a jigsaw to keep him amused. Imagine my surprise when we came back to discover he had sawn off four of his fingers.

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

The teacher had just finished reading a story to the sixth-grade class. She decided to check the student's knowledge of some of the vocabulary that had been used. "Who knows what the word 'adolescent' means?" she asked. Out of the entire class of 35, not one child raised a hand. After a few more silent moments, she decided to give them a hint: "Adolescent - it's something all of you are, and I am not." Finally Little Johnny tentatively raised his hand, and in a very soft voice said, "Virgins?"

A school teacher asks her class "What vegetable makes your eyes water?" Little Johnny replies "an eggplant." "No Johnny" says the teacher, "I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?" "No miss" Says Johnny, "Have you never been hit in the balls with an eggplant?"

The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher. "Tyson," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?" "My daddy said it," he responded. "Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "I don't want to hear that language in here again." After a moment, she thought and whispered aloud, "At least he doesn't know what it means." "I do, too," Tyson corrected. "It means the car won't start."

Observations By Kids ... 1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6) 3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7) 4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6) 5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8) 6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6) 7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7) 8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6) 9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6) 10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7) 11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6) 12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8) 13) My Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Julie age 7)

Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake." "No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking."

Little Sandy was with her father when they stopped by the beauty shop to pick-up her Mum. She wasn't quite ready, so they sat down and waited. Without any warning, Sandy goes over to her mum's stylist and blurts out, "My Daddy says you're a fairy. May I see your magic wand?"

Little children can come up with some very interesting ideas. Listen to what some children wrote to their mothers for Mother's Day. Angie, 8 years old, wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm going to make dinner for you on Mother's Day. It's going to be a surprise. P.S. I hope you like pizza & popcorn." Robert wrote: "I got you a turtle for Mother's Day. I hope you like the turtle better than the snake I got you last year." Eileen wrote: "Dear Mother, I wish Mother's Day wasn't always on Sunday. It would be better if it were on Monday so we wouldn't have to go to school." Little Diane wrote: "I hope you like the flowers I got you for Mother's Day. I picked them myself when Mr. Smith wasn't looking." And how about this one from Carol? "Dear Mother, Here are two aspirins. Have a happy Mother's Day!"

Ten Things a Mum Doesn't Want to Hear 1. I swallowed a goldfish. 2. Your lipstick works better than crayons. 3. Does grape juice leave a stain? 4. The principal called... 5. But DAD says that word all the time. 6. What's it cost to fix a window? 7. Has anyone seen my earthworms? 8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mummy? 9. The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes. 10. I'm moving out.

A school girl was required to write an essay of two hundred and fifty words about an automobile. She submitted the following: "My uncle bought a second-hand automobile. He was riding in the country when it busted up a hill. I guess this is about fifty words. The other two hundred are what my uncle said when he was walking back to town, but they are not fit for publication."

A 15 year-old-girl is going on her first date, and her mother warns her not to let the boy put his hands up her dress. The girl agrees, and the mother is reassured. The boy and girl go out, and after a movie and a nosh they are parked in lover's lane. He makes a move and tries to put his hands up her dress. She stops him once, twice and three times. He's all disappointed. Then she tells him, "I promised my mother that I wouldn't let you put your hands up my dress. But, you can put your hands down the back of my dress, and it's the second hole you come to!"

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