SMS and Jokes

Kids and School (Jokes)

A couple was sitting up waiting for their 15 year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile on his face. "Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! he said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!" His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him". Then she left the room. The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get it". "That's OK, Dad", said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway. My ass is too sore right now.

The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class. "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her." A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Little Johnny raised his hand and recited, "Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and smelled her little--" He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose. "Prose!" the teacher said weakly. So Little Johnny said, "Asshole."

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car pass the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace." Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell is mother excitedly, "Mommy! Mommy! I was at the playground and...." Mommy tells him to slow down. So Little Johnny says, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off. Then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat. Then Daddy...." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, ending with, "....then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy went away on business."

One day a little boy was watching some cows in a field. There was a brown cow, a white cow and a bull. After a few minutes the boy runs into the house where his home is. "Mommy, the bull is fucking the brown cow!" the boy says "Now Billy, that is not what we say, we say the bull surprised the brown cow." The little boy leaves and then comes back a little while later. "Mommy, mommy!" the boys cries "I know what you are going to say, the bull surprised the white cow." "He sure did. He is fucking the brown cow again!"

A young mother was once again pregnant and trying to explain to her little girl how she had got that way. She explained how a baby was growing in her tummy, and how it took and egg and a sperm. Daddy made the sperm, and Mommy made the egg. So the little girl asks, "So if it takes a sperm and an egg to make a baby, and the egg is already in your tummy, then how does the sperm get in there. Does Mommy swallow it?" "She does, if she wants a new cocktail dress," said Mommy.

A little boy wanted a new bike for Christmas. His mother told him they did not have any money for a bike. But she told him if he would tell Jesus what a good boy he would be, maybe Jesus would allow him to have one. The little boy sat down to write Jesus a letter. As he began the letter..."Dear Jesus I will be good for one year..." He scribbled that out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one month..." Then he scribbled that out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one whole week...." In his disgust he tore up the paper and went for a walk. As he walked he passed by the local church were there was a Nativity scene. He began to run as fast as he could and, when he past by the figure of Mary, grabbed her up and ran home. He ran in the front door and to his room. There he began a new letter that started..."Dear Jesus if you ever want to see your mother again..."

Two little boys walking home from school. Bored. "'Ere," says one "bet my dad's got a bigger willy than your dad." "Hah, that's nothing," came the reply, "my dad's got two willies." "Two willies!!" "Yeah, a little one he uses to wee-wee with, a a big one he uses to brush the au-pairs teeth with."

Frank phones his wife Angie at ten to five and tells her he's bringing his boss home for dinner. Angie is furious that she's had no time to prepare but when Frank and his boss arrive, she has miraculously made a marvelous veal marsala, with pasta, chianti and a spinach salad. She's even managed to shower, change into a dress, and get their little six-year-old daughter, Stephanie, looking clean and pretty. As they are seated at the dining room table, Frank says "Stephanie, honey, why don't you say the blessing." "I don't know how, Daddy", she replies sweetly. "It's easy, Steph," says her proud dad, "Just say what Mommy says." Stephanie bows her little head, closes her eyes, and says, "If that stupid bastard ever pulls a dumb stunt like this again, he won't see pussy for a month."

A boy was under foot all morning while his mother was trying to clean the house. She tells her son to go across the street where they are building a house to see if he might learn something. A few hours later the boy returns home, the mother asks, "What did you learn?" He replies, "Well, you hang the damn door up there and it doesn't fit, of course. So you take it down and trim a cunt hair off each side and rehang the Son-of-a-Bitch!!" The mother says, "You shouldn't talk like that! Go to your room until your father gets home!!" A few hours pass and the father comes home. The mother tells him to go up to his son's room and find out what he learned today. The father goes up to the son's room and ask, "So son what did you learn today?" The boy replies, "First you hang the damn door up there and it doesn't fit, of course. So you have to take it down and trim a cunt hair off each side and rehang the Son-of-a-Bitch!!" The father says, "Go outside and get me a switch". The Boy replies, "Fuck you! That's the electrician's job!!!"

It was a beautiful spring day as the mother and her 5 year old daughter strolled, hand-in-hand down the country lane...they picked wild flowers, watched the butterflies, and generally enjoyed their walk together. Soon, they came upon a pasture where a pair a horses were in the process of "mating"...the little girl stopped and pointed..."Mummy, what are those horseys doing?" she asked. Her mother was very embarassed, but she thought quickly... "Well," she told her young daughter, "The horse on the top...hurt his ankle while playing in the field, and the horse on the bottom...is helping him get back to the barn." They walked along in silence for awhile, the the little girl said "Life is just like that, isn't it, Mummy? Her mum asked, "What do you mean dear?" The little girl replied, "Whenever you try to help somebody... you get fucked!"

Dear Mom, Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only two of our tents and four sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Jeff when it happened. Oh yes, please call Jeff's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of thesearch & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Hector for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Hector said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. Larry is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching his brother Doug how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Jeff was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the lifejackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Rob dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Bruce and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Dave

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said, "If you get in, I'll give you a lollipop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said, "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lollipops!" She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollipops!" Finally, the girl turned and said - "Look daddy, YOU bought the Lada, YOU ride in it!!!"

Little Johnny is absent from school one day. On his return his teacher asks, "We didn't see you in class, what was wrong with you yesterday, Johnny?" "My Daddy got burned, Miss," says Johnny. Taken aback, the teacher replies "That's a shame, Johnny. Was he badly burned?" Johnny looks at her. "They don't fuck around at the crematorium, Miss."

Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father." "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY. "But that's right!" says his dad. Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference? " asks the father. "That's what I said!"

The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown-up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, no -- you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown-up word." The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, no -- you went for a trip on a train. That's the grown-up word." Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold, blustery January day when the daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend, and he said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up." The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the Daughter when he said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up. The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they defrost!"

A first grade teacher was having trouble with little Johnny. She finally asked him: "Johnny, what's your problem?" He answered: "Miss, I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm much smarter than she is. I think I should be in the third grade too." The teacher was pissed off and had enough of Johnny. She took him to the Principal's office and while Johnny waited in the outer office the teacher explained to the Principal what the situation was. He told her that he would give Johnny a test and if he failed to answer any of the questions then he was to stay in the first grade and behave himself. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36" And so it went with every question the Principal thought a third grade student should know. After a while the Principal looked at the teacher and told her: "I think Johnny can go to the third grade." The teacher was not convinced and said: "Let me ask him some questions too." The Principal and Johnny both agreed. Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnny: "Legs" Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have and I don't?" Johnny: "Pockets" Teacher: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains whitish liquid?" Johnny: "Coconut" The Principal is really freaking out and his eyes are open wide but Johnny is cool and was taking charge of the situation. Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink, and then comes out soft and sticky?" Johnny: "Bubblegum" Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman sitting down and a dog on three legs?" Johnny: "Shake hands" Teacher: "OK Johnny, now I'll ask you the 'Who Am I' sort of questions." Johnny: "Go ahead, Miss." Teacher: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do." Johnny: " Tent" Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal is very tense. Johnny: "Wedding ring" Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me you feel good." Johnny: "Nose" Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver." Johnny: "Arrow" The teacher gave up and the Principal gave a sigh of relief and told the teacher: "Miss, put Johnny in the fifth grade. I missed the last ten questions myself!"

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Marta said, "My family went to the Louisville Zoo, and it was fascinating to see all the animals." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'" Sarita raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Cincinnati Zoo and I was fascinated by the animals." "That's good, too," said the teacher, "but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'" Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for his bad language, but surely he couldn't damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him. Billy said proudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The inspector is assigned to the grade 4 class in one of the local schools. He is introduced to the class by the teacher. She says to the class, "Let's show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question." The inspector reasons that normally class starts with religious instruction, so he will ask a Bible question. He asks, "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?" For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at him blankly. Eventually, Jimmy raises his hand. The inspector excitedly points to him. Jimmy stands up and replies, "Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I can assure you that it wasn't me." Of course the inspector is shocked at the answer and looks at the teacher for an explanation. Realizing that he is perturbed, the teacher says, "Well, I've known Jimmy since the beginning of the year, and I believe that if he says that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it." The inspector is even more shocked at this and storms down to the principal's office and tells him what happened, to which the principal replies, "I don't know the boy, but I socialize every now and then with his teacher, and I believe her. If she feels that the boy is innocent, then he must be innocent". The inspector can't believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal's desk and in a rage dials the Minister of Education's telephone number and rattles the entire occurrence to him and asks him what he thinks of the education standard in Britain. The Minister sighs heavily and replies, "I don't know the boy, the teacher nor the principal, but just get three quotes and have the damn wall fixed!!"

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what are they. He says "well, pussy and bitch." She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning." Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch. Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle is pussy." "OK, dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son," he says, "everything outside that circle."

A little girl, a typical cute four-year-old, inquisitive and bright as a new penny, expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, so her father decided to pull out his wedding-photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said, "is that when mummy came to work for us?"

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?". " OK, " he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets." So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet dreams. Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?" And he carries on, "A couple are the two people involved in sex, but this can also be two males or two females which we call homosexual," and he goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, paedophilia, etc... The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?" "Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation of sex with his wife. Johnny's father in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed." To which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"

Children's answers to exam questions Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed. Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: What is artificial insemination? A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U. Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does varicose- mean? A: Nearby. Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean Section" A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome. Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor. Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. Q: What does the word benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Advice from Kids "Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10 "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer." Hannah, age 9 "Never tell your mom her diet's not working." Michael, age 14 "Stay away from prunes. " Randy, age 9 "Never pee on an electric fence. " Robert, age 13 "Don't squat with your spurs on. " Noronha, age 13 "Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." Emily, age 10 "When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." Taylia, age 11 "Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. " Traci, age 14 "Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers." Mitchell, age 12 "A puppy always has bad breath - even after eating a Tic-Tac." Andrew, age 9 "Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time." Kyoyo, age 9 "You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Armir, age 9 "Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." Kellie, age 11 "If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, age 15 "Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, age 9 "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." Joel, age 10 "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. " Alyesha, age 13 "Never try to baptize a cat. " Eileen, age 8

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey, Pop! What are you doin'?" His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank." Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."

A teacher was asking the kids what they would most like to be covered in and why. First little boy answers "I would like to be covered in silver because then I could scratch a little bit off my body & I could buy a BMW" The 2nd kid answers "I would like to be covered in gold, because I could scratch a little bit off my body and I could buy a Porsche". Little Johnny at the back is waving his hand frantically tried to answer the question. The teacher expecting the worst says "O.K Johnny, what would you like to be covered in?". Johnny replies "Pubic hair, miss". The shocked teacher asks why and Johnny says "Well, my sisters has got a tiny patch and you should see the cars parked outside our house".

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic." Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men." The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. Jimmy blushes and says, "No teacher I'm sorry, but my dad plays cricket for England, and I was just too embarrassed to say so."

A female student shows up during a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels at his feet, pleading... "I would do anything to pass the exam". She leans closer to him, flipping back her hair, gazing meaningfully into his eyes and sensuously whispers "I mean..., I would do.... anything!!!". He returns her gaze. "Anything???" "Oh yes" she said, "anything!" He stared into her eyes, and in a whisper said "Would you..... Study?"

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Jokes