SMS and Jokes

Kids and School (Jokes)

Teaching Maths in 2005: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100.
La cuesta de produccion es...?

A school bus driver was carrying his usual load of racially mixed children from school one afternoon. As was the norm, the typical racial slandering was being tossed back and forth between the children. This went on for quite some time, when the poor driver had finally gotten his fill of it. "Black Banana Monkey!" "Cracker!" "Honky!" "Porch Trash!" Then, in a fit of rage, the bus driver screamed out, "Alright you mouthy bastards! All of you guys, off the bus!" as he parked the bus roadside. As the kids filed off the bus, the driver cried, "Every stinkin' racist-brat, line up against the side of the bus!" "I am sick and tired of all this bigotry, race hating, name calling crap! I'll stand for no more of it! From now on, you are no longer white or black, you are all green in my eyes! .... Green I say! No more "matchstick" or "cotton-ball", you're all green! GREEN, GREEN, GREEN! Do you hear me? GREEN! All of you! Now, I gotta finish my route and get you all back home, so get back on the bus, and the dark green ones sits in the back!"

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, "He was born in a manger." Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple." Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it." Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?" "From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

One day a father and his ten-year-old son were on the bus, when the boy noticed a redhead with huge breasts... "Hey Pop," the son cried, "look at those boobs!" The father, a religious man proceeded to send the boy to a military academy, in the hope that he would get some manners. Six months later the boy came home and the father decided to take him on another bus ride. Again, a woman with very large breasts sat across from them. To see if his son had learned any manners, the father exclaimed, "Look at the boobs on that redhead!" "Boobs my eye," the boy replied with a smile, "get a load of the ass on that bus driver!!"

The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more." The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good education, you still say ain't!"

One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth. Little Johnny says "It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth." The teacher says "That is correct, but why?" Little Johnny answers "I don't know, but my mum always tells my dad "turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!"

Jill, a rather young miss attending St. Mary's Catholic Girls School, was sitting on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette. Doug, the local priest, walks by and gives her a glare. "Jill! Smoking at such a young age! Aren't you ashamed?" "What?" said Jill. "You got something better to do after sex?"

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day when he asked his teacher a question: "Please Miss," he said, "What's a Penis?" The teacher thought it was an excellent question so she told the whole class that it would be their homework for the night. When little Johnny got home he immediately went to his father and asked him what a penis is. His father undid his trousers and said: "Look son, that's a penis." Johnny was very pleased that it had been so easy to do his homework. The next morning, on his way to school he met Mary but she was in floods of tears. "Why are you crying?" he asked. "Well I wasn't able to do my homework," she sobbed. "Nobody would tell me what a penis is." "OK, I'll help you," said little Johnny. As he undid his trousers he said to Mary: "Look, you see this. Well, this is a Dick. A penis is about three inches shorter!"

It was the first day of the school year and the woodwork teacher was surprised to see a rather "princess-like" young lady sitting in the front row of the classroom. Her name was Judy and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodworking shop class that term. The teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class, and Judy assured him that she was. The teacher then said, "This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?" "What exactly do you mean?" replied Judy. "Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the shop teacher asked. Judy pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."

A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?" Mama answered, "No, not yet."

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Kids were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that were funny, and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7) Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6) I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6) My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7) I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6) Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7) My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6) When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7) A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5) When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8) On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

My son had just turned 15 when I finally decided to talk to him about sex. To ensure private time, I brought him on a ski trip and began our talk on the chair lift so he couldn't escape. "Do you know about girls and babies?" I asked. He nodded but cut me off. The next ride up the ski lift, I brought it up again, only to have him look away in silence. On the third lift, already knowing I had waited too long, I bluntly asked, "Son, would you like to talk about sex?" "Damn, Dad," he responded, "is that all you ever think about?"

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?" Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk. "Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

another name for marriage.

"Mum, I'm pregnant," announced a sixteen year old one morning in a belligerent tone of voice. Her mother paled. "And it's all your fault," continued the girl. "My fault?" gasped the mother. "I bought you books, showed you pictures. I told you all about the facts of life." "Yeah, yeah... but you never taught me how to give a decent blow job, did you?"

A toddler's creed. If it is on, I must turn it off. If it is off, I must turn it on. If it is folded, I must unfold it. If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled. If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared. If it is high, it must be reached. If it is shelved, it must be unshelved. If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed. If it has leaves, they must be picked. If it is plugged, it must be unplugged. If it is not trash, it must be thrown away. If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor. If it is closed, it must be opened. If it does not open, it must be screamed at. If it has drawers, they must be rifled. If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table. If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied. If it is empty, it will be more interesting full. If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon. If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead. If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon. If Mummy's hands are full, I must be carried. If Mummy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone. If it is paper, it must be torn. If it has buttons, they must be pressed. If the volume is low, it must go high. If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor. If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon. If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth. If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force. If it is a phone, I must talk to it. If it is a bug, it must be swallowed. If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor. If it is not food, it must be tasted. If it IS food, it must not be tasted. If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water. If it is a car seat, it must be protested with arched back. If it is Mummy, it must be hugged.

Little Johnny and his friend played in a vacant lot everyday, and across the street was a brothel. Day after day they saw men go up, knock on the door, go in, and eventually come out happy and smiling. One day they became curious and decided to see what was going on. The madam answers the door and looks down at the boys, and asks what they want. They explained what they saw, and told her that they were curious as to what goes on inside. The Madam thought for a moment, shrugged, and says, "Do you have 5 dollars?" Both boys dig deep into their pockets and come up with a total of 50 cents. She says, "OK, that will have to do," Then she proceeded to lift her skirt and pull down her panties. She told both boys to take a sniff, and they did. She closed the door and the kids took off home. About halfway down the block Little Johnny turns to his friend and says, "Ya know Joey, I don't think I coulda stood 5 dollars worth of that."

One night little Jonny was lying asleep in his bed and was awakened by a noise. He lay there for a second and realized it was coming from his parents' room. He jumped up and ran to their room only to find them awake, having sex. He just stared wide eyed at them for a while, not knowing what they were doing. He walked a little closer to the bed and said, "Daddy?", voice quivering, afraid and unaware of what they were doing. "What are you and Mommy doing?" The Dad jumped a little, startled, rolled over to see his son. "Well, Jonny, I'm... um... You know how you were wanting a baby brother?" "yes..." replied little Jonny in a timid voice. "Well, I'm a putting little brother in your Mummy for you." Jonny smiled and said, "oh, ok!" and left the room feeling safe and secure. The Dad felt good about himself for his witty and quick-on-the-spot answer and rolled over to fall asleep in his wife's arms. The next day after work, Daddy came home to find Jonny sitting on the grass crying. "What's wrong???" Daddy asked as he picked his son up filled with concern. "Daddy! you... you know.. sniff my little brother that you put in Mummy???" "yes..." the Dad replied nervously. "well... well... Today... sniff... The milkman came over and he ate him!"

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR SON HAS GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING 10. He can open your blouse by himself. 9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other. 8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue. 7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt. 6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee. 5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine. 4. After each feeding, he has a smoke. 3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner. 2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Duelling Banjos. 1. Beard abrasions on areola.

Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mum loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school for a couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys." He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbour, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed. The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?" Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is." The little friend said, "Well who is she?" "That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy said. "Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?" "Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says, "Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life." so I guess I'll just have to get used to it.

A West Virginia teeny bopper comes home from school and asks, "Ma, is it true that babies come out of the place boys put their wieners in?" Ma replies,"Yep, sho' do." Daughter says," Why Ma, is that why you are missin yo' front teeth?"

It was Sunday morning and as he had been doing for a number of years, 8year-old Abe was attending Hebrew classes. His teacher had just finished discussing one of the Ten Commandments, the one about honouring your mother and father, when the teacher asked the class, "Now, who can tell me which of the commandments tells us how to deal with our brothers and sisters?" Abe put his hand up and, when asked, proudly said, "Thou shalt not kill."

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence. "I think I'd throw up."

A substitute teacher walks into the classroom. On the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Jacobs, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!" She yells, "Who's Jimmy Jacobs?" This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Jacobs." "Well, Jimmy, your staying after school! The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "IT PAYS to ADVERTISE."

A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm. The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied " Pig Swill ". The teacher said... "I need your REAL name, son", to which he boy replied, "It's Pig Swill , sir... Really". The teacher... in a huff.. said.. "Alright young man... march yourself right down to the principal's office THIS minute!!!!" The boy got out of his chair... turned to his sister and said.. "Come on, Chicken Shit.... he ain't gonna believe YOU, neither!"

Little Johnny's teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living. Little Mary got up and said "my Dad is a pilot, and my Mummy is an architect." "Great," said the teacher. Michael got up and said " my Dad is a Doctor, and my Mum is a housewife." "Good," said the teacher. Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said: "My Mummy, she is a substitute." Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, "you mean she is a Prostitute." "No," Said Johnny, "my Sister, she is the Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mummy substitutes."

A travelling salesman on business in West Virginia met a young lady in a bar, and invited her to his room. As she was disrobing, he said, "Say, how old are you?" "Thirteen." she said. "Thirteen?! My God! You're a child! Put your clothes back on right now and get out of here!" On her way out the door, the confused nymphet paused, turned to him, and said, "You're superstitious, right?"

The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it." Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework." The teacher says, "Very good, Claude." Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary." She calls on Little Johnny in the back. Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna shit on the piano."

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice... even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want! In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your son, John P. S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

One day Little Johnny's teacher, decided to play a spelling game. She gave a letter of the alphabet and the kids have to spell a word starting with that letter, then use it in a sentence. Starting with "A" Little Johnny's hand was continually in the air, but the teacher ignored him. Little Johnny had a propensity for lewd remarks and could turn the simplest of statements into sexual innuendo. The teacher was afraid to let Johnny use any letter that he could turn into a lewd statement. "All right now, Susan, you first?" said the teacher. "A is for Ape, A-P-E, An ape likes bananas" answered Susan. "Excellent " said the teacher. She continues on through the alphabet. Finally she reaches F. Now she will NOT let Little Johnny answer this under any circumstances so she asks Mary. "F is for Fairy F-A-I-R-Y, they're little girls who lives among the flowers", Mary replies. "Great", says the teacher. "Now we get to G". Only Little Johnny has his hand up so the teacher thinks about this and decides "G" is a safe one. "Yes Johnny?" She asks. "G is for Gnome G-N-O-M-E. A Gnome lives among the flowers too". "Johnny! That's Excellent!" Exclaims the teacher, very happy that for once he wasn't out of line. Little Johnny goes on to say, "yes, teacher, he's the one who screws the fairies!"

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Jokes