SMS and Jokes

Gay and Lesbian (Jokes)

Why did God invent lesbians? So feminists wouldn't breed.

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents. He went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay." His mother made no reply and gave no response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?" The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!"

"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet."

There are three things you should never say in a gay bar.

1 Fuck me it is hot in here.

2 Bugger me the beer's good.

3 Can I push your stool in!

This Faggot goes to the doctor and him to test him for AIDS. A week later he goes back and the doctor confirms his worst fears - the tests showed positive. The fag is destroyed. He breaks down and begs the doctor to prescribe him something, anything, that'll help. "Well," the doctor says. "Go down to the health food store and buy a kilo of prunes, then go to the chemist and get some strong laxatives; then wander down to the supermarket and buy a bottle of Tobasco sauce and some chilli powder. Go home and mix it all together and heat it on the stove for 20 minutes....then drink it!" The faggot's a bit dubious, "And that'll cure the AIDS?" he asks. "No," says the doctor smiling, "but it'll teach you what you what your arsehole is for!"

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call. The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift." The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay." As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."

Two gays were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla took one look at one of the gays, bent the bars, leapt to the ground and ravished him. The gay was rushed to hospital and put into intensive care. Three days later visitors were allowed to see him for the first time and his gay pal came in with chocolates and a bunch of grapes "Did it hurt?", asked the pal "Did it hurt? Oh yes it hurt! Three days now. He never called, he never phoned, and he never even sent flowers!"

A gay guy falls in love with a doctor. He goes to the proctologist's office and says that he has an obstruction. So the doctor sticks his hand up the guy's ass but can't find anything. However, he notices that the man has an erection, so he cuts short the examination and orders the gay guy out of his office. The next day, the gay guy calls the doctor and claims he has another obstruction. The doctor doesn't believe him but the guy claims he is in great pain, so the doctor relents. When the guy arrives, the doctor sticks his hand up the guy's ass again but this time he finds something. "Good God!" the doctor exclaims, "No wonder you're in pain. There are two dozen roses shoved up your ass." The gay guy turns around excitedly and says, "Read the card! Read the card!"

A man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for 7 shots of tequila. The bartender asks "what are you celebrating?" The man says, " I've just had my first blowjob." The bartender says, " Wow, that is an event worth celebrating, let me buy you another." The man says" thanks, but if seven shots of tequila won't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

Translation. See colon backslash enter pound pound pound

What is the first symptom of AIDS? A sharp penetrating pain in the arse.

Q. What's the definition of lesbian? A. Just another damn woman trying to do a man's job

A gay man decides to get a tattoo. On arrival to the tattooist he spots a picture of Evander Holyfield. "Oh! He's my favorite darling. Can you do him on the cheek of my ass?" he asked the tattooist. So it was done. On the way out of the store he spotted another picture on the wall, this time Mike Tyson. "Oh, good Lord!" the queer blurted out. "I just adore Iron Mike! Can you do him on my other cheek?" So it was done. On returning home, his boyfriend says, "Well, drop your trousers, give us a look." He dropped his pants and showed his ass. His boyfriend gasped and replied, "I think our relationship is over! I sure as hell ain't getting in the ring with those two."

How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat? By sitting down before the last bloke gets up!

What do you call a lesbian with big fingers? Well hung.

A country boy ends up in the big city. He is walking around in awe of everything. He decides to quench his thirst and enters a bar. After a couple of beer, his beer rental is up and off he goes to the can. He walks into the can and is shocked at what he sees. He quickly leaves. The barkeep lisps, "What's wrong?" The country boy replies," You wouldn't believe what is going on in there." "What?" The country boy is shaking his head, "Well there is a guy standing at the urinal being corn-holed by a guy behind him. And that guy is getting his fudge packed by a guy behind HIM." The bartender leans in closer, gets all serious and lisps out his next question. "The guy in the middle wouldn't have been wearing a yellow T-shirt would he?" "I think he was. Why?" "He's lucky at cards too."

Q. Why can't scientists find a cure for AIDS? A. They can't get the laboratory mice to arse fuck.

What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? Snap-on tools!

There are these two queers, named Cyril and Cecil, driving happily along in their car. As they came to an intersection, they stopped for the red light. All of a sudden a big articulated truck comes crunching through the back of their car! Cyril and Cecil were really pissed! Cyril says to Cecil to get out of the car to tell off the truck driver. So Cecil gets out of the car and approaches the truck driver, who apparently is one huge mother trucker (tattoos and all)! "You bloody idiot! Look at what you've done to our beloved car!", exclaims Cecil. "You're going to pay for this damage you know!" "Suck my dick!", shouts the truck driver. This prompted Cecil to go back to his car, to discuss the situation with Cyril. "I think he wants to settle out of court, Cyril."

A guy from the deep south comes to New York and he's amazed by the indoor plumbing. He's so intrigued by the way the toilets work that he goes to the Sewage Disposal Plant to check it out. One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements. As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says, "You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See that one? I'm sure it's the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds? And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a Jap, see the fish eyes and the rice in it? And this next one is surely from a queer." The hick says, "How can you tell?" The inspector says, "It's dented on one end."

If you think that sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.

What's the hardest thing about having AIDs? Leaving your friend's behind.

The second gay says, "Well, if you are pregnant, who's the father?" The first gay says, "How should I know? Do you think I have eyes in the back of my head?"

Why did the homosexual leave home? He didn't like the way he was being reared.

Phillip fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn't believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man. Phillip threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly. One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Phillip swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness. "You can't believe how happy I am to see you," he cried. The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, "You're a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing." "Shit," sighed Phillip, "there go my Sundays."

How does a lesbian hold her liquor? By the ears.

Q. How does an asthmatic lesbian breathe? A. In snatches.

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