SMS and Jokes

Gay and Lesbian (Jokes)

A king, who had three daughters for marriage, made the statement that any prince in the kingdom who could pass certain tests could marry his choice of the three. One of the daughters was a blonde, one a brunette, and one a redhead. All the princes in the kingdom tried to pass the tests and failed. One day Prince Charming came up on his white charger and said to the king, "I understand you have three daughters for marriage." And the king said, "Yes, if you pass certain tests." So the king explained the tests to him and Prince Charming went forth into the world. A year later, he came back and told the king of all the dragons he had slain, of all the fair maidens he had rescued, and of all the battles had fought. The king said, "Son, you may have your choice of my daughters for marriage. Which do you choose?" Which do you think was his choice? He chose the king because this really is a fairy tale.

Gay Man's Motto: "My body is a temple ... With ample parking in the rear."

Q. What charges can you bring against a transvestite? A. Male fraud.

One of my wife's friends is a lesbian. One day we got to talking and I asked her did she ever wonder what it would be like to have children. She said it was the one thing she regretted about her sexual orientation, that she might never be a mother. She's a good-looking lady, and I said slyly that if she ever wanted to be impregnated I'd be happy to help out -- purely altruistically of course. She shot me a death-ray look, and told me with a curling lip that if she ever decided to reproduce, it would be by artificial insemination. "No problem," I replied, "If you want artificial, I'll tell you I love you."

If The 12 Apostles Had Been Gay: 1.. The Last Supper would have been brunch. 2.. The Beatitudes would start, "Fabulous are they..." 3.. Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem screams for a production number, with ostrich feather palm fronds and a large oyster shell instead of just a donkey. 4.. The water at the wedding feast of Canaan would not have been changed to wine, but extra dry Bombay Sapphire martinis with a touch of Curacao for colour. 5.. The temple would not only have been cleansed of moneychangers, but redecorated as well. 6.. Mary's hair would have been Flawless. 7.. The Gospels would be Mathew, Mark, Lance, and Bruce. 8.. Priests would have torrid affairs with altar boys... wait.... Never mind. 9.. Jesus would never wear white after Labor Day. 10.. The Sermon on the Mount would have been a musical

Two lesbians walk into a House of Ill Repute. They ask for the youngest woman in the joint. The Madam says that she will not allow the youngest girl any time with them. The lesbians make the demand again, "We want the youngest girl here!" The madam says, "No. I don't serve minors to lickers."

To celebrate the recently announced "gay marriages", furniture store Ikea are now selling a lesbian bed range. Assembly instructions are slightly different - there's no longer any screwing involved but plenty of tongue & groove.

SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE GAY You wake up each morning and scratch someone else's balls. You blow every paycheque on gerbils. You get offended and/or turned on by the word "Fruit Loops." Your fantasies include prison showers and dropped soap. Anyone mentions "The Village People" and you think of your neighbours. Your friends want to kill Richard Simmons. You'd rather paddle his cute little ass. You're best friends with the girl you took to your high school prom. You think Pamela Anderson dresses nice. You dress like Liberace on casual Fridays. Your idea of "getting lucky" on the weekend is finding Ralph Lauren sheets on sale. You start to cry when your boss says you can't have the day off for your birthday. You don't know the score of the game last night, but you do remember that the players had some of the roundest asses you've ever seen. When someone asks you if you're a pitcher or a catcher, your first thought isn't about baseball. When you see a handsome police officer following you on the highway, you speed up instead of slowing down. You've wondered if Batman and Robin share a bedroom. You noticed that Ricky Martin shaved his chest for his last video. You're the one everyone turns to when they need someone to plan a surprise party. You can recite the next line of the following song: "The minute you walked in the joint, I could see you were a man of distinction." When viewing straight porn videos you watch the women give head and think, "they're not doing that right."

Now that Canadian Gay Marriages have been legalized, here are the new rules: 1) On the day of a gay wedding, it's bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym. 2) Superstition suggests that, for good luck, the couple should have: Something bold, something flirty, something trashy, something dirty. 3) It's customary, at gay and lesbian nuptials, for the parents to have an open bar during the entire ceremony. 4) Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating any of the wedding cake because it's all carbs and sugar. 5) It's considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have dated the priest. 6) During the first dance, it's considered unlucky to use glow sticks, flags, whistles or hand held lasers. 7) For good luck at the union of a drag queen, the bouquet is always thrown in the face of a hated rival. 8) The reception hall must have a disco ball and at least one go-go dancer. 9) The wedding singer is not allowed to play/sing Let's Hear It For the Boy, It's Raining Men, or I Will Survive.

Two gays got into a heated argument, with one of them saying, "Well, you can kiss my ass!" The other one blurted out, "This is no time to talk about romance, Bitch!"

Two fellows were lost in the desert, they had been there for days with no sign of life anywhere. All of a sudden one of the guys started to feel horny with all the heat and stuff. He turned to his friend and said "do you know every now and then vultures sweep down and peck out your eyes?". His friend replied "no way". He said "yes but I have a prevention." "If I see one swooping down insert these two coins into your eyes and bury your head in the sand". "Gee thanks" his friend replied. All of a sudden the guy yelled "Vulture attack, Vulture attack" quickly the guy put in the coins and buried his head in the sand. At this the other guy whipped down his pants and had his wicked way with him. The guy in the sand shouted "You can peck as hard as you like you aren't getting my eyes !".

An evangelist was delivering a flaming sermon on vice that shook the rafters of the mission. "Listen to me, all you cigarette suckers," he thundered, "all you pipe suckers, all you bottle suckers -" Just then a high squeaky voice interjected from the back row, "Don't forget us!"

One day, while fishing under the I-94 bridge in West Central Wisconsin, Gustov made a confession. "Ve all been friends for tirty year and been tru a lot. I never told ya dis before cause I didn't Vanna ruin our friendship, but I'm gay." Ole looked over at Sven and said, "We kinda figured dat out a vhile back, but vasn't gonna say nutting cause ve din't vanna embarrass you". Gustov thanked them for their understanding and continued, "Da reason I'm tellin' ya dis is cause I got AIDS and I got only six munts to liv. You are da only family I got and I vant ya to promise me dat ya vont let dem barry me. I'm scared of dem caskets. I vanna be cremated. Den, I vant ya to trow my ashes from dat bridge into dis river vhere ve've spent so much time together." Ole and Sven wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what their friend as asked. By Golly, six munts later Gustov up and died. They were standin' on the bridge with the ashes. Ole was about to trow them out when Sven stop him: Vait, you gotta say sumting," he says. "I don't know vhat to say. I never waz much bout goin' to church" Ole admitted. Sven, he scratch his head, "Just say somting....anyting, Make it rhyme." Ole, he tought about it a while and started trowing the ashes out over the river and said, "Ashes to ashes, Dus to dus, If you liked vomen, You'd be here wit us."

A young gay man is confronted by some of his friends and told that he may be drinking a bit too much and it seems like it may be getting in the way of his work and affecting some of his relationships. His friends are concerned that he may need to seek help... He took their feelings to heart and joined AA. At the end of a year of dedication he is clean and sober and gets his "pin" showing his progress (of one year being clean and sober)... He then thinks, he has wanted to stop smoking for awhile, could he use the same principles he used in AA to stop smoking? He sets himself on the path and does so... By the second year when he gets his pin from AA, he is tobacco free... and has a small dinner party to celebrate the fact. When he get together with his friends, they are amazed at what good health he is in... and amazed that he is not only alcohol free but also tobacco free. They applaud his dedication. About a year later he has another dinner party and announces to all his friends that he is "no longer gay". His straight friends as well as his gay friends are totally amazed at this. No one believes he has managed to change so much in his life. "Did you do the same things you did to stop drinking and smoking?" many asked. "Was it just a choice of lifestyle change" others asked. "Was it some type of religious revelation?" was even asked... "No.... nothing so drastic" he replied.... "Its just when I quit smoking I found everything tasted different....."

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