SMS and Jokes

Ethnic (Jokes)

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; but how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't getting laid either.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks. Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking. Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" "St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."

A Young Chinese couple got married. The new bride of course is still a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring, I know dis you firs time and you flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?" "I wanna numma 69" she replies. He looks at her very puzzled, "You wanna beef wit broccorri?"

A big Aussie is walking down the road with a sheep under each arm. He meets a mate who says "G'day mate, you shearing?" To which he replies, "Nah mate, gonna shag em both meself"

Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm " Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the fuckers have managed to nick a motorbike already.

So he went out to the jetty, where he saw a bloke with a baseball bat and a coil of rope. "I'm here for the river cruise", Paddy said, handing him the ten quid The bloke took the money then smacked Paddy over the ear with the bat. Next thing Paddy knew, he was floating down the river tied to a log. Then he spotted his brother Mick, who was also tied to a log and floating downstream. "Hey, Mick!" Paddy yelled. "Do they serve meals on this trip?" "They didn't last year!" Mick yelled back.

"Now!" yelled the irate highlander. So the driver does it again. "Right, do it again!" demands the highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, he collapsed in a sweating gibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk. "Do it again!" says the highlander. "I just can't anymore, you'll just have to kill me," whimpers the man. The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside. "Aie right laddie" he says, "Now yew can gimme daughter a lift to Inverness".

Q: Why do Jewish women only sleep with circumcised men? A: They want 20% off everything!

Q: What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy after luring him into his car? A: Hey, go easy on those fucking sweets.

Q: What did the Scottish paedophile say to the little boy after luring him into his car? A: Would you like to buy a sweet little boy?

Q: How can you tell when the Niggers have moved into your neighbourhood? A: The Pakis get car insurance.

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. "I got in a tiff with Riley." "Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand." "Aye,.. that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was." "Dear Lord,... didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?" "Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? A: He walks around saying, "Yo".

Q: What do you call a Welsh farmer with a sheep under each arm? A: A pimp.

Q: In the USA what's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? A: A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10." One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?" "Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it." Abe says, "What are you, crazy?" Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it." With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?" Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

A scouser says to the prostitute "How much is it love?". She replies "25 quid" So the scouser says "Do it my way and I'll give ya 35 quid" The tart replies "What ways that then scouse?" He replies " errrrr 50p a week"

A plumber, an electrician, and a jewish accountant walk into a strip club. The electrician calls over a blonde, licks a ten-dollar bill and slaps it on her left ass cheek. The plumber licks a 20 and slaps it on her right ass cheek. The accountant takes out his Visa card, swipes it down the crack of her ass, and grabs the 30 bucks.

It was the final week of a round-the-world ocean cruise which had set out 6 months previously. On the deck, taking a stroll, a Japanese guy sees another Japanese man walking towards him. He stops in amazement and asks "How rong you been on board?" "Since stalt of cluise" replies the other. "How come we no see each other before?", asks the first one. "We been on ship neally 6 month!" "Me no know" is the response "Where you flom in Japan?" asks the first "Okinawa", comes the reply "Me too, me come flom Okinawa, what coincidence we both on same ship. Where in Okinawa you live?" "Me flom Hassaka district" "Me too,me flom Hassaka district, what coincidence, we both on same ship, both flom Hassaka district in Okinawa. Where you work in Ossaka?" "Me work in sewage plocessing plant" "Ah so. Me too work in sewage plocessing plant, what coincidence, we both on same ship, both flom Hassaka district in Okinawa and both work in sewage plocessing plant. How come we never meet before?" "Don't know. Just like 2 nips that pass in the shite!"

A girl from the South of the USA and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane going to California. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, asked, "So, where ya'll from?" The snooty northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"

Two boys were playing football in a municipal park near Old Trafford when one was attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was walking by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Man United' fan saves friend from vicious animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But, I'm not a United' fan," the boy replied. "Man City' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again. "No, I'm not a City' fan either," the boy said. "Then what are you?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Liverpool' fan." replied the boy. The reporter turns to a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Scouse bastard kills family pet."

Q: What do you say when you see your TV floating around your room in the dead of night? A: "Drop it, nigger."

An Arab, who was dying of thirst, was walking through the desert when he ran into a Jew selling neckties. "I need water!" the Arab cried, "Can you give me any?" "Nope," said the Jew, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy one of my nice neckties. Here is one that would go well with that towel on your head." "I don't want a tie. I want water." "OK, don't buy a tie," answered the Jew. "And just to show you how generous I am, there is a restaurant four miles on the other side of that hill to the North, and they have water." The Arab staggered away in the direction indicated, and came crawling back through the sand four hours later. "So, couldn't you find the restaurant?" the Jew inquired. "Oh, I found it all right," the Arab gasped, "but your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie."

Q: What is the authentic recipe for Caribbean ribs? A: It starts out, "Steal two pounds of ribs..."

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to some of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills. Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one. "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"

'I called my son David,' said the Welshman, 'because he was born on St David's day.' 'Ay and I called my son Andrew,' added the Scot, 'because he was born on St Andrew's day.' 'Yes,' said Murphy. 'I did the same with my son Pancake!'

There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Irishman sitting in a bar having a few drinks together. The Englishman says to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?" "Well," says the Frenchman, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over her body. Then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives her wild." Then the Frenchman says, "And what do you do to drive your wife wild?" To which the Englishman replies, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!" Then the pair turn to the Irishman and ask him what he does. "Naawww you don't want to know what I do" he says. So they buy him a few more drinks and he loosens up a bit more, and again, they ask him what he does. "Well..," he says, "When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives her wild."

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Scouse bloke - 6ft 5 and 18 stone. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over towards the scouser he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?" At this the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park and returning to his seat. Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that, " he says, "just what did he say to you?" "I'm not sure", the big Scouser replies, "something about getting a job"

A young divorcee was sitting at a bar one night, when she noticed a young, attractive black man just a few stools away. She'd never seen for herself if the stories about black men were true, so she took the opportunity to buy the young stud a drink. One drink led to another, and those led to the couple going back to the divorcee's apartment. Once there, the woman stripped naked, climbed up in her bed, struck a sexy, come-hither pose, and whispered, "OK, you gorgeous piece of chocolate man. Show me what young black boys do best." So he beat her up and stole her stereo.

Ferrari F1 team fires entire pit crew! This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ some UK Liverpudlian youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

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