SMS and Jokes

Ethnic (Jokes)

Sheila and Mary were digging 'taters out in the field. Mary digs up two large potatoes bigger than her fist. "Good Lord! These remind me of Paddy's balls!" "Really???" exclaimed Sheila. "You mean they're that BIG?" "Naw. They're that dirty."

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards? They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

In the good ol' U.S. of A., buses will have a sign saying "Don't speak to the driver." In Germany, the sign reads: "It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver." In England: "You are graciously requested to refrain from speaking to the driver." In Scotland: "What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?" And in Italy: "Don't answer the driver."

spacious. 9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you. 10. You can actually get bored with blondes. TOP 10. REASONS FOR BEING GREEK 1. You get to shout about your culture although the only real culture most Greeks have is what is growing between their toes. 2. The police is even more corrupt than the criminals they are supposed to be chasing. 3. You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around retching their stomach contents up at the sight. 4. Old women can sport moustaches. 5. Young women can sport moustaches. 6. Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in a zoo. 7. You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest of the world sees it as an instrument of torture. 8. You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants to let everyone else around the world know about it. 9. Ridiculous bureaucracy. 10. Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos.

ANSWERS TO OFFICIAL IRISH SEX QUIZ 1.A Clitoris is a type of flower 2.A Pubic hare is a wild rabbit 3.A Vulva is a Swedish car 4.Spread eagle is an extinct bird 5.A Fallopian tube is part of a TV 6.It is dangerous to have a wet dream in an electric blanket 7.Vagina is a medical term for heart trouble 8.Fellatio is an Italian dagger 9.A menstrual cycle has three wheels 10.A G string is part of a violin 11.Anus is the Latin word for yearly 12.Semen is another word for sailors 13.Testicles are found on an octopus 14.Cunnilingus is a person who speaks 4 languages 15.Asphalt describes rectal trouble 16.Kotex is a radio station in Texas 17.Masturbate is used to catch big fish 18.Coitus is a musical instrument 19.Foetus is a character in Gunsmoke 20.An umbilical cord is part of a parachute 21.A condom is an apartment building 22.When you miss a period you can use a semi-colon 23. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. 24. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. 25. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. 26. An erection is when Japanese people vote. 27. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. 28. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. 29. Pornography is the business of making records. 30. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. 31. Douche is the French word for "twelve".

A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it. He looks at his mother and says "Look Momma.....I'm a white boy." His mother slaps him hard on the face and says "Boy go show your Daddy." The boy goes into the living room and says "Look Daddy ....I'm a white boy" His Father slaps him and says "Go and show your grandmother." So the boy goes to see his grandma and says "Look Granny....I'm a white boy". She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says "Well, did you learn something from all this?". The boy shakes his head and says "I sure nuff did.....I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you blacks".

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk

This jobless Scouser goes into a job centre looking for work, and is told that he'll HAVE to take whatever job he picks at random from a bucket. So he delves deep, and pulls out one that says "TURKEY WANKER REQUIRED". He has no option, and goes to this nearby farm. He speaks to the farmer, who explains that the latest craze in Japan is for women to smear turkey spunk on their faces to prevent wrinkles. And the farmer says "It's simple....just hold the turkey under one arm, grab its penis with the other, shake for a while, and then collect it in this bucket." The bloke is still unsure about the whole thing as he enters the turkey coop. There are thousands of them in there. He gazes around and about, and then suddenly, a turkey catches his eye and starts advancing towards him, going "Gobble gobble gobble". And the Scouser says "No fucking way, a wank is all you're going to get."

Senior Giant and student giant wandering around the planet, Student giant says to senior giant, "Don't you get fed up just aimlessly wandering around, up to your waist in cloud, no idea what's going on down below or even knowing where you are? Senior giant replies, No, it's alright. Anyway, I know where I am! Student giant says OK, where are we then? Senior giant reaches down through the cloud with his right hand and replies, "Egypt" "How do you know that" replies the student giant? Senior giant replies, "I can feel the pyramids". Student giant thinks, "I'll catch him out later". Later that day after much wandering the student says, "OK, where are we now then? Once again the senior giant reaches down through the cloud with his right hand and after a few moments says proudly, "Paris, France". Student giant say's "how do you know that? Senior giant replies, "Easy, I can feel the Eiffel Tower". Student giant thinks to himself, "What a smart arse. I'll catch him though" A short while later student giant says, "Come on then, where are we now? Senior giant reaches down through the cloud with his left hand and after only a few seconds says "Brixton, England" Student giant says, How the hell do you know we are in Brixton? Senior giant exclaims, "Some bastard knicked my watch!!"

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Irish Joke...". The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Irish, both bouncers are Irish and so are most of my customers" "Okay" says the customer, "I'll tell it very slowly."

At a family dinner party the Irish matriarch enquired of her eldest son's new girlfriend: "So, tell me, colleen, what's your occupation?" The girl hesitated for a moment, then said: "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute." Immediately the lad's mother fainted clean away, surrounded by family members who splashed her face with water to revive her. Finally, she regained consciousness and returned to her seat. Then later, when everyone calmed down and resumed the meal, the mother tried again: "Forgive me, dearie. I don't think I heard you correctly.... what do you do for a living?" Again the girl answered: "Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute." Rising to her feet, the mother roared with laughter and said: "Feck, dearie, for a minute dere I tought you'd said you was a Protestant. Welcome to the family!"

The owner of the shop says "You're Irish aren't you " he says "Oh bollocks.....Yes, how de hell did you know that
", The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners !

Aussie, Brit, American, Canadians Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club. Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves. Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job. Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad. Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad. Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad. Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box. Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels. Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels. Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them. Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball. Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby. Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball. Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in. Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English." Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English." Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans. Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate," and a heavy accent to everything they say Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer. Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness. Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them. Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem. Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer. Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer. Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss. Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it. Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens. Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens. Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian. Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers. Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect. Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect. Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited. Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers. Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it. Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it. Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less. Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means. Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country. Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country. Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious. Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV. Americans: Think that these people are American! Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because they don't understand subtle humour.

was broken. More snow and ice expected. Jan 14th Still cold. Sold wife's car and bought a 4 wheel drive in order to get her to work. Slid into a guard-rail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the rear quarter-panel. Had another 8 inches of the white shit last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shovelling in store for me. That bloody snowplough came twice today. Jan 15th Two degrees outside. More fuckin' snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death, nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns to my hands and lost my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on ice on way to casualty ward and was totalled. Jan 16th Fuck me. Fuckin' white shit keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the fuckin' letterbox. If I ever catch the prick that drives the snowplough, I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for our driveway to be shovelled again. Power still off. Toilet froze over and part of the roof has started to cave in. Jan 17th Fucking' hell, six more fuckin' inches of fuckin' snow and fuckin' sleet and fuckin' ice and god knows what other kind of white fuckin' shit fell last night. I wounded the fuckin' snowplough arsehole with an ice-pick but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. Think I'm going snow blind. I can't move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind chill -22 fuckin' degrees. Jan 18th I'm moving back to Australia.

Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch. The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and so they trade. That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the man. The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. The father blows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you? Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, 'How longa you gonna be?'"

Now the daughter is young, sweet and innocent and doesn't have a clue what Daddy is on about. Daddy doesn't want to explain right now, but promises that if the need ever arises, he will. So the sweet young thing marries the Scouser, the ceremony and the reception pass off without incident, and the young pair go off to start their new life together. All is sweetness and roses for about six months until one day the young woman remembers the proviso to the marriage. "Wayne" she says, "have you ever thought about having sex the other-way round?" Her husband replies, "What, and fill the fucking house with kids?"

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the United Nations. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a massive failure: In Africa, they didn't know what 'food' meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what 'honest' meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what 'shortage' meant. In China, they didn't know what 'opinion' meant. In the Middle East, they didn't know what 'solution' meant. In South America, they didn't know what 'please' meant. And in the United States, they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!

The first Jewish President calls his mother in Queens and invites her over for the weekend. "I'd like to," she says, "but it's so much trouble... First, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Boulevard..." "Mom!" he tells her, "I'm the President! You won't need a cab. I'll send a limo." "That would be nice, but I'll still have to get my ticket at the airport...And try to get a seat on the plane... And I hate sitting in the middle..." "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One!" "Yes, well, but when we land, I'll still have to carry my luggage through the airport... And try to find a cab... And you know what holiday crowds are like..." "Mom! I'll have a helicopter pick you up! You'll go straight from the plane to my front lawn!" "I don't know... I'd still need a hotel room. And hotels are so expensive... And they're not like they once were..." "Ma! You'll stay at the White House!" "Well..." She thinks. "I guess. All right," she sighs. "I'll come... just for you." That afternoon, she's talking on the phone with one of her friends. "What's new?" the friend asks. "I'm visiting my son for the weekend. " "The doctor?" "No... the other one."

There's an Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says: " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes! The Scotsman says: "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as didn't even know she drank!" With that the Irishman says: "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy!"

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find anyplace to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police office asked, "Hey you -- what are you doing?" "I gotta piss, man." "You can't piss here. Look, follow me." The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, whiz away." The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the flowers. "Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?" "No. This is the American Embassy."

After a night in the pub, two Irishmen coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. "Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!" "Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?" "No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!"

"Ah, dat'd be roit amount. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

"Liverpool is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved."

Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen lived next door to each other for over 40 years, and over the years became loving friends. One day Mrs. Murphy came to Mrs. Cohen and said, "These houses are becoming to much for us, let's sell them and each move into a home for the aged. Each went to a home of their respective religions, and were soon placed. Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, and one day asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend Mrs. Cohen. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said, "So how do you like it here?" Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. She then said, "You know the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend." Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful. Tell me what you do." Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room, and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs." Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you Mrs. Murphy?" She said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend. Mrs. Cohen said, "So what do you do?" "We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below." Mrs. Cohen said, "And then what do you do?" Mrs. Murphy said, "Since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck.

You have just received the "Irish Virus"!!! As we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the trust system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive, then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thanks for your cooperation.

God came down and first he went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better." And the Germans asked, "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said, "Rules for living." "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shalt not kill." "Not kill? We're not interested." So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments." And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal." "Not steal? We're not interested." He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife." "Not covet my neighbor's wife? We're not interested." He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments." "Commandments? How much are they?" "They're free." "Good then, we'll take 10!"

After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district. On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Ahh? But just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband...which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University. At this point the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?" "Very well, thank you, sir." answered the startled passenger. But how is it that you know my name?" "Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists... A Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu". First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said... Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked a lonely caravan. Men on camels, two by two, Destination-Timbuktu. The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited... Me and Tim a huntin went, Met three whores in a pop-up tent They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu. The redneck won hands down.

Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children. One is an Englishman, one a Welshman and the other a Jamaican. They are all very nervous and pacing the floor. All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double doors saying "Gentlemen you won't believe this but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes of each other." The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy. "And", said the doctor, "They have all had little boys." The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over. "However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all the confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and would be grateful if you could join us there to try and help identify them." With that the Englishman raced past the doctor and bolted to the nursery. Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant saying, "There's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!" The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir of all the babies I would have thought that maybe this child could be of Jamaican descent." "True", said the Englishman, "but one of the other two is fucking Welsh and I'm not taking the risk."

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Jokes