SMS and Jokes

Ethnic (Jokes)

Real ads from Scottish lonely-hearts column. Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08 Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box 06/03 Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82. Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box 53/41 Ginger-haired Partick troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box 84/87 Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32 Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No time wasters. Box 23/45 Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box40/27 Devil-worshipper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07 Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Framptons Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41 Govan man, 27, medium build, square heid, big moustache and curly hair, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm Optimistic Perth man, 35, seeks a blonde 20-year-old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.

Bubba took his old duck to the vet, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The vet explained to Bubba that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food. "What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown." Bubba goes about his business and about a week later the vet runs into his patient. "Well, how is that duck of yours?" the vet inquires. "He's dead." declared the heartbroken Bubba. "I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the vet.. "No." lamented Bubba. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vice."

Heaven is : American salary British house Chinese food Indian wife Hell is : Indian salary Chinese house British food American wife

A Brit, a Mick and a Frog are all working in Saudi Arabia. Alcohol is strictly against the law there and the nightlife is very limited. The Mick decides that they will liven things up by brewing their own. Unfortunately they eventually get caught and are hauled up in front of the Sheik. "Alcohol is strictly against my laws and as you have disobeyed me you will be punished," boomed the Sheik: "a hundred lashes for each of you! However, I have fond memories of Europe and I will grant you all one wish because of my sentimentality." The Frog was 1st in line and when asked what wish he wanted he said with a smug grin: "Tie a pillow to my back..!" A pillow was tied to his back and a huge Arab stepped up behind him with the whip. The pillow only lasted around 20 lashes before the whip cut through, after 80 the Frog passed out with the pain and was carried off to his cell. Next up was the Mick, having seen what had happened to the Frog he was a bit panicked and not being the best at math¹s spluttered out: "Tie 2 pillows to my back" The sheik looked at him curiously and carried out his wish, ordering two pillows tied to his back. The punishment began and after only 40 lashes the whip cut through the pillows. The Mick still had 60 lashes left and didn't pass out but was moaning when the sheik counted to100 and Mick was dragged off back to his cell in a right state. The sheik turned to the Brit, who looked remarkably relaxed considering his circumstances: "I visited England as a youth and found it to be a most beautiful place. For this reason I will grant you 2 wishes my friend," the sheik said. The Brit was surprised and said: "It was my doing, give me 300 lashes..." The sheik looked at the Brit with total admiration: "Not only are you an honest and honourable man you are also very brave my friend," the sheik commented: "and your second wish?" "Tie the Frog to my back ..!"

"OK, so how about his secretary?" "She's out too, sir. In fact everyone from his department is out." "Oy veh," says Moshe, "where is everybody?" "They're all out looking for your dog."

"and I'll take the 3 children for free. Is that OK?" Mordechai turns to his children and says, "Jump into the taxi, children, this nice man will take you home. Your mother and I will take the bus."

A bit of Aussie computer culture LOG ON: Adding wood to make the Barbie hotter. LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the Barbie. MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the Barbie. DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute. HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies. KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys. WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold. SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season. BYTE: What mozzies do. MEGABYTE: What Queensland mozzies do. CHIP: A bar snack. MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips. MODEM: What you did to the lawns. LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps. SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Chip Shop. HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from Tesco MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed. MAINFRAME: What hold's the shed up. WEB: What spiders make. WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah. SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go. CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go. YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go. UPGRADE: A steep hill. SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch. MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch. USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things. NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net. INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go. NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net. ONLINE: Where you hang the washing. OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough

An Irishman goes into a pub in London with a little man, 6 inches tall, in his shirt pocket. He says to the barman, "I'd like a pint of Guinness for meself and a thimble of Guinness for me friend." The barman says, "Blimey, what've you got there, Paddy? Is it a little Irish leprechaun?" Paddy answers, "No, it's an Englishman with the shit kicked out of him."

A black guy, Indian, and cowboy are in a bar. The Indian takes a shot of whiskey and says, "Once we were MANY, but now we are FEW." The black guy takes a slug of whiskey and says, "Once we were FEW but now we are MANY!" The cowboy looks over at the black guy and says, "Yeah, that's only because we've not played Cowboys and Niggers, yet."

Jamaican Bus Ride! Ever wonder what it would be like if Jamaican buses were set up like airlines, with the flight attendant and captain giving safety instructions. Bus driver: (speaking on the intercom): Welcome to Bus numba farty running from Papine to Down Town Kingston. Please direct yuh attention to di ConDocta who will instruc' yuh on our safety and model features. ConDocta: Hail up massive! We want yuh fi know dat yuh a ride pon di safes' bus dat run pon di Papine to Downtown route. The moggle of our bus is a 1980 Encava, own and operate by Rough Rider Transports. Dis moggle can survive any adversities an' cantravasies. As unnu can si, dis bus get nuff lick up an' bad man shot it up nuff time an' it still a drive like new! This bus seat up to 55 passenger; howeva, due to fi we commitment to excellent service, we no leave anybady straddling ina di streets. So expect to 'ave up to 140 people in yah by di time we reach downtown. Durin' di journey we may encounta unexpected turbulences.......... dese are known as pot holes. In di case of a sudden bump please refrain fram bawlin' out "Lard Jesus mi dead now!" Our driva is an experience driva an' will mek sure di axle an' wheel nuh bruck aff ina one a dem. But in case we drap inna one an ca'an come out. Please do not climb troo di window dem til unnu pay unnu bus fare.......or I will shat unnu wid mi M16. Dis bus no equip wid seat belt. Please hole on pon di railin' when di bus tun di carna dem. De bus is capable of drivin' pon 2 wheels ' roun' all carnas an' bends. When di bus a tun a wicked carna pon 2 wheels, wi ask dat seated passengers bear it if sumbaddi slide dung inna dem seat an' squash yuh gainst di bus side. We seated passengers may experience standin' passengers losin' dem balance an' falling ova pon unnu ... please no yell out, "ey batty bway, coom aff a mi lap!" Dat might cause a serious shoot out! On exiting de bus please don' expect di bus to come to a full stop. Wi askin' dat yuh hop aff a di bus an' step skillfull .... if unnu drap an lan' pon unnu backside an' bruck sumting, Rough Rider nuh responsible. Dis is NOT a non-stop journey. As a matta a fact wi stop any which part wi waan fi stop, at every yaad gate - all ina miggle a di road wi stop. Howeva dis bus nuh stop fi police ... in case of an unexpected police chase, the driva will be forced to increase de bus' normal speed from 100 mph to 160 mph. Yuh will be instructed to hole on tight an shet unnu mout. In case dis bus is hijacked by a teroris' known as "Pickpocket", hole on pon di theif an' murda 'im rass. Dat said, if wi reach downtown inna wan piece please prepare fi new passenger fi shoob unnu dung before unnu can get aff. Noh mine dem ...... seat kina ration. Tank yuh for tekin' di Iriest Rough Rider Encava pon di route.... and hope yuh enjoy di ride. DRIVA - PRESS OUT!

A researcher is doing a study on the sexual habits of trailer park denizens in Alabama. He finds one family with 12 kids, and decides to ask the mother some questions. "Ma'am," he asks, "Don't take this the wrong way, but do you know anything about contraceptives?" "What the hell're yu a talkin' bout?" is her dumbfounded reply. "Okay, well, for instance... what do you and your husband use when you're having sex? Do you use condoms? A diaphragm? IUD?" "Nah," she replies. "We get along fine just a usin' my ol'man's dick!"

You know you're in South Africa when ..... The main headline of the TV news is the opinion of an unemployed squatter who spik inglish no good and dimunds that the head of Anglo American resigns or faces the consequences. You don't stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car. The student Union dimunds that the academic achievement shouldn't be a criterion for university acceptance, as it is discriminatory. Landlords may not evict illegal squatters unless they offer them alternative accommodation. Protest-marching strikers trash everything in their path and that's okay, but a peaceful gay rights march is condemned. Post office workers are videotaped opening the mail and stealing the contents, but the film may not be used in evidence, because the workers were not informed that they were being filmed. A government Minister is caught driving her car with a forged licence, but the case is dropped for "lack of evidence." A minister of religion who stole millions from overseas-donated funds for the oppressed, returns to the country to a hero's welcome and is officially welcomed by the government. Government ministers meet with masked gang leaders to ask their advice on how to reduce crime and violence . Scholars protest at the lack of schooling facilities by destroying school buildings. Two tourist athletes are murdered in their beds and the president says it won't affect tourism. The entire country sees a thug admit on TV news to murdering several people, but the police say they have no case. Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins. Your insurance is higher than the repayments on your car. You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once. Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high. People start joking about the crime rate. The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported. You paint your car's registrations number on the roof in large letters. Afrikaans TV programmes are separated by a Xhosa announcement of the following Afrikaans program, and a Zulu advert. Minister is fired and returns the government cell phone , but keeps the G-number-plated Bee-Em. The currency takes a dive, and the previous government gets the blame. Students from Vaal Driehoek Technikon dimund that their debt is written off ........at Pretoria Technikon. A 45-year-old engineer gets replaced by a 25-year-old who cannot write his own name. The employees DANCE in front of the building to show how unhappy they are. 10% of the city's population pays for everyone else's electricity and water supply, and get prosecuted if they refuse to pay. A murderer gets a 2 year sentence and a pirate TV viewer a 6 months sentence. The prisoners strike. Crime actually DOES pay. People are allowed to reclaim land ( for free ) that's been BOUGHT from their forefathers. The government GIVES people houses, and they complain by setting fire to them. You realise after watching the news on TV that nothing happened in the rest of the world. They bring in the innovative idea of selling scratch cards to alleviate congestion in post office queues. You are expected to carry a driver's licence that doesn't fit into your wallet. You have to prove you don't need a loan to get one. A shop clerk makes you feel as if he/she is doing you a favour by letting you buy from their shop. You no longer request anything you "DIMUND " it. You know what "vowlence" is. A Minibus taxi passes you, just to stop right in front of you. Where the road narrows, the guy to the rear of you has the right of way.

How do you tell if you're in a redneck Amish neighbourhood? By the dead horses on cinder blocks in the front yard...

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Q. What's the difference between a Russian whore and her mother? A. About $12

"On the contrary," says the doctor, "it will give him good foresight."

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages..... English.....I Love You Spanish.....Te Amo French.....Je T'aime German.....lch Liebe Dich Japanese.....Ai Shite Imasu Italian.....Ti Amo Chinese.....Wo Ai Ni Swedish.....Jag Alskar Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Idaho, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, parts of Florida.....Nice Ass, Get in the truck

A Jewish guy is riding in a cab when they see a guy kicking a woman who's lying on the sidewalk. The cabbie zooms over, jumps out, and runs to help the lady. The Jewish guy rolls down the window, and starts yelling, "Stop it! Stop it! Stop the meter!"

All his life, Cohen has wanted to own an elegant, made-to-measure hand-tailored suit with all the exacting details not found in an ordinary off the rack model. But he was a little guy, not very successful in business, and could never afford one. Later in life, however, things took a turn for the better and he eventually managed to set aside enough money to finally make his impossible dream come true, and he goes off to a very expensive tailor to get fitted. The great day comes, the suit is finally ready, it's gorgeous, it fits like you wouldn't believe. And... so many "extras!" He proudly wears it home, and can hardly wait for Mrs. Cohen to see him in his elegant new splendour. "Oy, is she in for a surprise!" he thinks. When he walks into the living room, she's reading the paper. "Mama, I'm home." cheerfully announces Cohen. She glances up, grunts, "Ehh", and goes back to her paper. He tries again, "Look, Mama vot I got on, a whole brand new hand- tailored suit." Again, short-shrift from Mrs Cohen, "Ehh." He goes on, "And, look, hand-stitched lapels yet." Another, "Ehh." Undaunted, the poor schlep, trying vainly to impress her, says, "And, Mama, take a good substantial look at dis...on de full-pleated pants...a full length, easy sliding zipper like you've never seen on my pants before!" Mrs. Cohen finally looks up and answers, "So? Schwartz, next door, has a two car garage, and vot comes out? A bicycle!"

We have been informed that the Arabs do not like to be called "towel heads". The item they wear on their heads is actually a small sheet. Effective immediately, please call them "little sheet heads." Thank you for your cooperation.

How does an Israeli cook book begin? "First, take a deep breath and CALM DOWN!"

Q: What is the definition of a Jewish ménage a trois? A: Two headaches and a hard-on.

Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different place: Idaho, Nebraska, Texas, and Mexico. Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window. What the hell are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan. "We have so many of these damn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!" A moment later, the woman from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window. "What are you doing that for?" asked the Texan . "We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!" Inspired by this, the woman from Texas opened the car door and pushed the Mexican out.

Welsh Films Dial M for Merthyr The Magic Rhonddabout 91/2 Leeks Sheepless in Seattle

Q. Why doesn't Pakistan ever make it to the world cup? A. Every time they get a corner they put a shop on it

I normally do not broach any discussions of a racial nature, however I do believe the recent conclusion of an important study by the World Council Of Bishops deserves mention. An often debated religious assumption has been officially accepted after many years of study. I refer to the depiction of Adam and Eve as being white. There had been a long running controversy disputing that assumption because it is now quite commonly assumed among the scientific community that the beginnings of human civilization were in Africa. With this fact established through the well documented discoveries of the world renown Leaky family of anthropologists, the generally accepted belief that Adam and Eve were white flies in the face of genetic theory, basic common sense and the Darwin theory of Evolution, and recent anthropological discoveries. So as you can see there was some concern amongst the various councils of the world's religious bodies, to in effect prove or disprove the lineage from our Adam and Eve forebears. After over ten years of exhaustive search and thoroughly investigating each and every clue in the deepest recesses and the darkest parts of this planet, the complete examination of all ancient manuscripts, epistles, parchments and written history in the libraries, and religious depositories throughout the Christian, Moslem and Asian worlds a conclusive decision was reached by the appointed investigating committee.. It has been positively stated by the Council Of Bishops that Adam and Eve, the original children of God and the sole human occupants of Paradise were most definitely white because the investigating committee for the Council Of Bishops accepted the conclusive proof that there existed no evidence anywhere, that anyone has, under any circumstances, . . .ever been able to take away a rib from a black man.

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