SMS and Jokes

Ethnic (Jokes)

After many years, a young Talmud student who had left the old country for America, returns to visit his family. "But, where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him. "Mama," he replies, "in American, nobody wears a beard." "But at least you keep the Sabbath?" Mama asks. "Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath." "But kosher food, you still eat?" asks Mama. "Mama, in American, it is very difficult to keep kosher." The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me, are you still circumcised?"

Q. What does a Polish groom give to his bride that's long and hard? A. His surname

You might be a redneck if you're at a party and the punchbowl flushes

These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli, frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and, in fluent, impeccable Yiddish, asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "Where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they are both thinking. After they pay the bill, they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?" The owner looks around and leans in so no one else will overhear him and says...."Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

Hear about the Jewish detective?......... He had a tip off........ But it turned out to be circumstantial!

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen is in Trouble: 10. Sometimes stays in bed til after 6 am. 9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets. 8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup. 7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou stinketh!" 6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy." 5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap." 4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks. 3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening." 2. Was recently pulled over for "trotting under the influence of cottage cheese." 1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

When the second found what the first guy was getting he became furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers was unskilled and diesel fitters was skilled labour. "What skill!" yelled the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says,"Yep, diesel fitter!"

The agricultural section of Aberdeen University decided they would conduct a survey of farmers in Scotland and their sheep shagging habits. They first travelled to the west coast of Scotland and asked a farmer there how he shagged his sheep. "I take them from behind" he said. "I put on a pair of green wellies, put a back leg in each boot, and go for it doggy style" (or should that be sheepy style
!). Next the surveyor travelled to the Borders and spoke to another farmer, asking how he shagged his sheep. "I take them from behind" he said. "I put on a pair of green wellies, put a back leg in each boot, and go for it doggy style". The surveyor then travelled to the northern tip of Scotland to ask a farmer there how he shagged his sheep, and his reply was the same as the two previous farmers. "I take them from behind" he said. "I put on a pair of green wellies, put a back leg in each boot, and go for it doggy style". Finally the surveyor returned to the east coast, back to Aberdeen. He found a local farmer and asked him how he shagged his sheep. "Well", he said, "I put on a pair of green wellies, put a back leg in each boot, drape a front leg over each shoulder, and take them from the front, missionary style". At this the surveyor got quite excited. "That is amazing" he said, "you are the first person that I have met that shags sheep in this fashion". "Really" said the farmer, "how does everyone else do it
" The surveyor then described to the farmer everyone else's method. "They take them from behind" he said. "They put on a pair of green wellies, put a back leg in each boot, and go for it doggy style". The Aberdeen man was stunned at this revelation.... "What" he said, "No Kissing?!"

Paddy, the Irish labourer goes to his doctor, "I'm constipated." The doctor examines him for a few minutes and says, "Lean over the table." After he does so, the doctor whacks him on his ass, with a baseball bat. A loud "CRACK!" is heard, and the doctor sends Paddy to the toilet. After coming out of the toilet, Paddy says, "I feel great! What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?" The doctor says, "Stop wiping your arse with cement bags."

"Oy, two deaths in two months? That's terrible!" "And this month... nothing."

"Phew! Thenk God for thet!" said the Kiwi. "Those pommy bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

roared. "Arch your back, woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor!"

keep it shut for ten minutes. Your father begged him to sell it to him. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days this time. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Not much more news this time, write soon. Love, Mum P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.

As Armastice Day approached, a Manchester teacher decided it would be a good idea to have his pupils learn about what happened during World War 11. After a little research, he discovered that one of his neighbours was a fighter pilot for Norway. He asked the man to speak to the school, and the old pilot reluctantly agreed. After starting slowly, the old flyer warmed to the task. "Ja, I vas a Norvegian fighter pilot during de var. I remember one time, der I vas, flying along and I saw dis Fokker on my left. Den I saw another Fokker on my right, and suddenly der vas another Fokker above me." By this time most of the pupils were giggling hilariously. The teacher nervously interrupted "Perhaps I should point out that the Fokker Corporation made many of the planes that the German Luftwaffe flew during the war." "Ja, das true," replied the pilot, "but dese Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"

Zack volunteered for military service during WWII. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola, skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeros. Then, climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 10 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the Captain. Saluting smartly, he said, "Well, Sir, how did I do on my very first day?" The Captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!!"

Abraham and Isaac had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally, Abraham invited Isaac to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us." "Great. Where do you live?" "Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door, then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in." "Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my left, then my right elbow?" "Surely you're not coming empty-handed, are you?"

sure if my future bride is a virgin or not," he said. Mick says, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one of your balls red and the other blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says, 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"

Paddy, who was only 4 foot 3 inches tall went to the doctor one day and complained that every time it rained his crotch hurt. The doctor wanted to know how long this had been going on, and Paddy said ever since he could remember. The doctor told him to come back on a rainy day so he could check it out. Sure enough, the next day it rained and Paddy went back to the doctor. He advised Paddy that he would have to give him a general anesthetic and examine him. He agreed and so the doctor put him under. 1 hour later Paddy woke up and to his amazement his crotch wasn't hurting. He was astounded and asked the doctor what he did. The doctor replied, "I cut 3 inches off your wellies".....

Why is it that, at the Olympics, the white athletes win the shooting events and the black athletes the running events?

Three strangers at a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, are awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Fort Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at the Texas oil patch from the Middle East. To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout radical Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes. Finally, The Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: "Once, my people were many, now we are few". The radical Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?" The Cowboy shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet................."

minute later Paddy comes wheeling himself at pace, back towards the other puzzled guys. He shouts "Hey ...check out my mag wheels..."

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer? "Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer. "And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?" "Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?" "Cause I was wonderin', think I could sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with?"

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Conner." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' ... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Conner." "Well, uh I was thinkin.......perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Conner." "Well, uh I was thinkin...perhaps its aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Conner." The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "My thoughts are a bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Bondi Beach, Australia. He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all those little black things out there?" "They're buoys," said the Aussie. "Boys!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?" "Holding up the shark nets," the Aussie told him. "Great country this!" said the South African, deeply impressed. "We'd never get away with that at home!"

"Hell!" exclaims Beauty. "That's too much money." "And, "says Paddy, "did you know that one rape occurs every ten minutes in Dublin?" "Hell! " replies Eileen. "Paddy, you know everything." "Eileen," says Paddy, "Did you know that Enya had an operation to make her tits bigger?" "Really!" says Eileen. "But Paddy?" She asks, "Even though you know everything, why are you telling me all this while we are having sex? To which Paddy replies, " Remember last year, when you forgot to buy the toilet paper over the Christmas weekend, and we had to use newspaper?" "Yes, I remember", says Eileen. "Well," says Paddy, you still have page 16 of The Irish Times stuck to your arse."

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago. So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephones 1000 years earlier than the Russians." One week later, the Liverpool Echo reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500m, council workmen have found absolutely nothing. The council has concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones due to cable theft problems."

Hospitals right across Wales are getting ready for a birth explosion this coming Xmas and are already trying to recruit extra medical staff to cope. "It's is a worrying side effect of foot and mouth, with the country side closed off and so many dead sheep our women are bound to be getting a bit more attention" said Glyn Lloyd Jones of South Glamorgan Health Trust. The UFWWL (Ugly Fat Welsh Women's League) has reported that they are overjoyed with the situation and are campaigning for a stop to sheep farming in Wales for good. "It's wonderful all the women in our village are getting some at the moment", said a 25 year old fat Welsh minger.

Mick, Seamus and Paddy had been going to the Sons-of-Ireland hall meeting as long as there had been a hall. And every month, wouldn't ya know it, they didn't win a prize in the monthly draw. That is, until the last meeting. Mick was the first one of the three to get his name drawn. He won two pounds of spaghetti sauce, four boxes of noodles, and three pounds of Swedish meatballs. Seamus had his name drawn next. He got himself round trip tickets to Dublin, a nights stay at the Dew Drop Inn and a pair of tickets to see the Inger triplets Polka Ensemble. Seamus thought that he had died and gone to heaven. Paddy was the last one to have his name drawn, he won a toilet brush. At the next monthly meeting, they sat down together to check out how each other had fared for the past month. Mick said " I had dat pasghetti for tree days. It was so good, and me missus didn't have to buy food for dem dere tree days." Seamus said "Me missus was so happy when I brought home dem tickets. The trip up to Dublin was nice, we got to ride da big coach, and you know, they got a built in privy on dat dere bus. And the Inger Triplets, if I didn't know better, I would swear dey were sisters." Then Mick turned to Paddy, and asked him how his prize worked out. Paddy looks at them both and says "Dat dere toilet brush is nice, but I tink I'll go back to using paper."

One boring afternoon, Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade when his telephone rang. "Hello Mr Hussein," a heavily accented voice says "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!!" "Well, Paddy," Saddam replies "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moment's calculation "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry and the entire dominoes team from the pub - That makes 8!" Saddam sighs and says "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my word" "Oh shit" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day Paddy rings back. "Right Mr Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "What equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asks. "Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm" Once more Saddam sighs and says "I must tell you Paddy that I have 16 thousand tanks, 2 thousand mine layers, 14 thousand armoured cars and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke" "I'll be damned!" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough,Paddy rings again the next day. "Right Mr Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've kitted out old Ted's crop sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!" Once more Saddam sighs and says "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers and 20 thousand Mig 109 high manoeuvrability attack planes and my military complex is surrounded by laser guided surface to air missile sites and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million." "Oh bollocks" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back" Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Right Mr Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war" I'm very sorry to hear that" says Saddam "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy "We've all had a chat and there's no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners of war"

she said, "You know Marvin, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business...

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