SMS and Jokes

Ethnic (Jokes)

"What an amazing person," says Max, "how did you meet him?" "Well, I never actually met Hymie," replies the cabbie. "Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Max. "I married his widow," replies the cabbie.

The Jewish Princess Recipe Book Chapter One . . . . . . . . . . Reservations

wrong?" "There was no atmosphere."

Jonathan had worked hard all his life and had saved most of his earnings. He was a real miser when came to his money, which he loved more than just about anything. Just before he died, Jonathan said to his wife, "Now listen, Sarah, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the coffin with me. Please do this because I want to take my money with me to the afterlife. Promise me." She promised she would. Finally the day came when Jonathan died. At his funeral, Sarah was with her best friend Rebecca. After they had buried him, Rebecca said to Sarah, "I hope you weren't stupid to put all that money in there with Jonathan." Sarah replied, "Well, I promised him - I'm a good Jew and I can't lie. I promised him that I would put that money in with him." "You mean to tell me," said Rebecca, "you put every penny of his money in the coffin with him?" "I sure did," said Sarah, "I got it all together, put it into my bank account and wrote him out a cheque."

Cecil and Morris are walking to services and Cecil asks, "I wonder whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?" "Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Morris. Cecil sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?" "No, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion and traditions!" quickly answers the rabbi. Cecil goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him. "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try." Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be ok if I pray while I smoke?" To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all means."

Old Sean lived alone in Northern Ireland. He wanted to spade up his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an English prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Mick, I am feeling a mite down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son: Dear Father, For CHRIST'S SAKE, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all them feckin' BODIES! Love, Mick At 4 A. M. the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of about six feet. That evening, not finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left. The next day the old man received another letter from his son: Dear Father, Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances Love, Mick

A group of Cubans desert their island on their way to Miami. In the middle of their arduous journey, one of the Cubans (the oldest one) suffers a major heart attack and as a last wish asks for a flag to say good-bye to his dearest Cuba. Having abandoned everything in Havana, the other Cubans search desperately in their boat to find something that will resemble a flag of their country... a T-shirt, a handkerchief... anything. Almost ready to abandon all hope, a 20-year-old girl interrupts their desperate search to offer a tattoo of the flag that is inscribed on the left cheek of her buttocks. The young girl pulls down her shorts and slowly lowers her underwear showing the Cuban flag on a beautifully shaped, tanned buttock cheek. She approaches the dying man and sticks her ass right on his face. The old man caresses the "flag," grabs the cheek with both hands and starts kissing the flag with great passion, saying, "My dear Cuba, I say good-bye to you with great sadness. My land, my flag, Havana... I will miss you so." After going on for almost 15 minutes non-stop, he says to the girl, "Now, Chica, turn around, por favor. I want to kiss Castro good-bye!"

In the Strand. American woman: "Can you tell me what exactly Banana Cream Pie is" Waitress: "What one of the three words are you having a problem with" Waitress was sacked

Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin... Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners, Northeasterners, North westerners, Westerners and Southwestern Urbanites 1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass 2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass 3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking. 4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e. g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass. 5) We have plenty of business sense (e. g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e. g. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass. 6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass. 7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass. 8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass. 9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked. 10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked. 11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass. 12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor. 13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours. 14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass. 15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minus your ass.

How are Jewish men the most confident men in the world? They cut the end of their dick off before they know how long it will be ...

you'll obviously want to know what the answer was... Paddy?" Paddy said: "No, yer alroight, oi knew de answer anyway, t'anks Chris." "You knew it anyway!... are you mad!" asks Chris: "are you mental?" Paddy says: "Oi moight be mental Chris ... but oi'm no feckin grass!"

Bloke goes in shop and asks for Irish Sausages. The Assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?" "If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I Was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya? Would ya?" The assistant says: "Well no." "And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was American? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?" "Well, I probably wouldn't." With self-indignation, the man says: "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?" The Assistant replies: " Because this is Homebase!"

Q: What is a Jewish nymphomaniac? A: A wife who does her hair and sleeps with her husband on the same day.

The doctor at the local health clinic was admonishing the redneck patient. "Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you ain't to have no relations whatsoever!" Pausing for a moment, the young patient replied, "Okay, but what about friends 'n neighbours?"

In America the late night news used to broadcast this message: "It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are? In England they say "Its 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is? In France they say "It's 11o'clock do you know where your husband is?" In Ireland they say Its 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"

Q. If Tarzan and Jane were from West Virginia, what would Cheetah be? A. Pregnant.

Rednecks are much more likely to have good sex on their wedding night than other people..... you're always going to feel more comfortable with a relative you grew up with!

Q: Do you know what you say to a black man in a 3 piece suit. A: Will the defendant please rise.

Q. How do we know that the bikini was invented for orthodox Jews? A. It separates the meat from the dairy sections

A young uneducated black man applied for a job in an office. After the interview, he left and hooked up with his homies. One asked, "How'd it go?" The guy answered, "First part was smooth. But den she wanted to see my testimonials. So I showed 'em and she freaked. There went da job."

An Hispanic in Phoenix has his car stolen. He doesn't report it for 7 days. When he finally goes to the police station to report, the officer in charge says that since the loss occurred over 7 days ago the vehicle is probably over the border and stripped for parts. The Hispanic was heard to mutter as he left the station . . . . . " Damn Canadians".

Application to go on the Jerry Springer Show: Last name: ________________ First name: (Check appropriate box) (_) Billy-Bob (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack What does everyone call you? (_) Booger (_) Bubba (_) Junior (_) Sissy (_) Other___________________ Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) _____ Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (Check appropriate box) (_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Unemployed (_) Dirty Politician (_) Preacher (_) Exotic Dancer Spouse's Name:_________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name:______________________ 3rd Spouse's Name:______________________ Lover's Name:___________________________ Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box) (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet Number of children living in household: _____ Number of children living in shed: ______ Number that are yours: ______ Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leaveblank) Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leaveblank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Total number of vehicles you own: ___ Number of vehicles in front yard: ___ Number of vehicles in back yard: ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___ Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: 196_ Do you have a gun rack? If no, please explain: Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____ Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____ Colour of teeth: (_) Yellow (_) Brownish-Yellow (_) Brown (_) Black (_) N/A

Q: What do you call a Australian with 500 girlfriends? A: A shepherd.

A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that used the name, Bubba. He went to court and changed his name. The judge asked," and what name do you want it changed to?" He said, "Candy." The judge replied, "Candy? "C-A-N-D-Y is that right? Yes that's right, your honor." said Bubba The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally, your name is now, Candy. He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and heard "who's there?" He said, "It's me! She said, "come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked." He said, "It's not Bubba." She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice." He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it." She asked, "what it is?" He said, "Guess." She said, "Leroy?" He answered, "No." She said, "Johnny?" He answered, "No." She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in." He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand and ya puts it in ya mouth. "Oh!... Come on in, Dick."

You know how everything in Texas is bigger than anywhere else? Well, there was this Texan living in Bristol a while back. Huge fellow he was, had to duck under all but the highest of doorways, and often had to go through sideways. And he was always going on about how much bigger things were back home, used to really bore everyone senseless with his bragging. Anyway, he died one day, and wound up in a mortuary where a friend of mine worked. Charlie was telling me about the trouble they had, trying to find a coffin big enough to plant him in. They looked everywhere, but there was nothing that even came close, and it would take time to have one specially made. "So what did you do?" I asked. "Oh," said Charlie, "it was simple, really. We gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box."

Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R." Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah be Praised!" Dallas ATC: "Tower to Egypt Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R." Egypt Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah is Great." Pause: Static.............. Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!" Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?" Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!! Dallas ATC: Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now---ya hear?"

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT A REDNECK HAS BEEN WORKING ON YOUR COMPUTER 10. The monitor is up on blocks. 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8. The six front keys have rotted out. 7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them. 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 5. The password is "Huntin". 4. The CPU has a gun rack mount. 3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."

Rabbi Bloom smiles and says, "I suppose you decided against it after you heard me talking about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal'?" "Not exactly, rabbi," replies Nathan. "After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left my hat."

Why do black men wear hats with wide brims? To stop seagulls shitting on their lips.

NEWSFLASH: British Airways are sending a plane full of Scousers to New Orleans to help with the looting.

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