SMS and Jokes

Ethnic (Jokes)

Glasgow Rangers are looking to sign some new players to help them next season, so they send chief scouts to Afghanistan to search for some new talent. Sure enough the scout finds an outstanding 18 year old striker and immediately signs him on a 3 year deal. On getting back to Scotland, the manager takes one look at him in training and puts him straight in the 1st team to play Celtic. The new lad is fantastic , he scores a hat trick and creates two more as Rangers win 5 - 0 . Ecstatic after the game the young lad phones his mum to tell her the good news . "Mum , I've just made my debut and had a great game . The team loves me , the fans love me even the press love me . Life is great" "Well" says his mum, "I'm glad life is great for you . Shall I tell you what happened to us today? Your Dad's been murdered in the street , your sister and I were raped and beaten in broad daylight and your brother's joined a vicious gang of killers" "Mum , I don't know what to say , I'm so so sorry" "Sorry , you're fucking sorry it's your fucking fault we moved to Glasgow in the 1st place!!"

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Liverpool. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand center on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Scouser.

Irish Divorce "Well, Mrs. O'connor, so you want a divorce? "The solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now we have a carport". The solicitor tried again. "Well does the man beat you up?" he enquired. "No no," said Mrs. O'connor looking puzzled. "Oim always first out of bed." Still hopeful, the solicitor tried again. "Well does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?" "Shure now he plays the flute but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial." Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out is what grounds you have." "Bless ye sor. We live in a flat-not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. O'connor," said the solicitor in some exasperation, "To get a divorce you need a reason that the court can consider.What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah well now," said the lady. "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

Australian Etiquette Handbook GENERAL: 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them. 3. It's tacky to take an esky to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home. DINING OUT: 1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the wine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with both your hands. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME: 1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners. PERSONAL HYGIENE: 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys. 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money. 3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days. 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as they detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (Outside the Family): 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st date. 2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall 2 years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATRE ETIQUETTE: 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie's ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS: 1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE: 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the pig's in sight. 2. When approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. Don't burn rubber while travelling in a funeral procession. 5. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.

Q: What's an Irish 7 course meal? A: Six pints of Guinness and a potato.

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth. A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!" Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!" Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?" And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."

Paddy is walking down the Blackpool prom one day and he sees a mother breast feeding her baby boy. Paddy stops to speak to the mother "That's what I like to see natural breast-feeding, I was raised on that". The young mother tells Paddy to clear off. Paddy continues "No seriously I was raised on the stuff, look at me, tall, lots of muscles, and really fit, looking at the baby breast feeding takes me back to my childhood", he pauses...., "can I try breast feeding on the other breast". The young mother says again "Get away with you Paddy". Paddy says convincingly "You've got plenty of breast milk for baby, and he doesn't need the other breast". The young mother looks and Paddy and thinks, well he is good looking, fit and lots of muscle, "Come over here Paddy and you can get on the other breast". Paddy being sucking on the other breast, after five minutes the young woman has become more relaxed and is starting to get aroused ,panting slightly, she lies back and whispers to Paddy "Paddy ..... is there anything else you want
" Paddy asks "err....have you got any Farleys Rusks"

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other. The Garda were called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appeared in court. The fight continued in the court room until the Judge finally brought calm with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in the Court!" The court room went silent and Paddy stood up and said, "Judge, I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The Judge agreed and asked Paddy to take the stand. Paddy began his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge said, "Okay." "Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs." Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!" "Hurt?!" Paddy replied. "He broke three of my fingers!"

Q. What does a Welshman call safe sex? A. Marking the sheep that kick.

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF). These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists: 1. The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt. This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me...I'm me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" So the Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."

A Celtic fan is walking home from a match in his Celtic kit. He fancies a drink, walks into a bar and found himself surrounded by blue and white. He's walked into a Rangers' bar. A deadly silence falls over the pub. Then the barman clears his throat and says, "In here, we give Celtic fans a roll of the dice. "If you roll one to five, we kill you." The Celtic fan replies, "What happens if I roll a six?" "You get to roll again."

Q : Whats a redneck's idea of foreplay ? A : " Are you awake yet sis ? "

What do you call a Scouser in a suit? The accused.

What do you call a Scouse woman in a white shell-suit? The bride.

What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi? A burglar.

lineage back to your father.

Q: What do hillbillies do on Halloween? A: pump-kin

back will decide the medals. MEN'S 50KM WALK Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool. THE CLOSING CEREMONY Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Liverpool Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock throwing, and music by the Kirkby community choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished be someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium itself will the be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

The Irish couple's sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a sex manual. "Honey, I want to perform oral sex with you like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?" She agreed. And an hour later, she returned, all excited. "You should see the flavours they have!" she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana..." "What did you get?" he interrupted. "Tuna," she replied.

In the beginning when God was creating the world, he was sitting on a Cloud telling his pal the Angel Gabriel what he planned for Scotland. "Gabby" he said. "Im going to give them soaring mountains, purple glens. High flying eagles, streams laden with salmon, golden fields of barley from which a whisky coloured nectar can be made, green lush spectacular golf courses, coal in the ground, oil under the sea, gas... "Hold on" said Gabriel "Are you not being over generous to these Scots. "NO" replied the Almighty "Wait till you see the neighbours I'm going to give them.

Q: What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex? A: Relative humidity.

Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the piss. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot. Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police". Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried. "What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!" to which Mick replies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy" whereupon Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You fucking idiot Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!"

Mick and Paddy, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Mick turned to Paddy and said "Paddy, me ol' mate, how we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" Paddy says "Well Mick, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my fookin pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart" "Ah tat'd be grand" says Mick. This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Mick stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with on one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Well Mick" said Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear" "Ah tat'd be grand" says Mick. Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Mick again stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Ah tis is serious, Mick " said Paddy "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail offa my fookin pig.Ten we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Mick. Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Mick stormed into the house once more. "Paddy" shouted Mick "Your fookin pig has chewed the fookin tail offa my fookin pig and now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and no fookin tails ! How the fook are we gonna fookin tell 'em apart? !" "Ah fook it" says Paddy "How's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one?"

An Australian, an American and an Irishman are in a game show and the host says, can you complete the phrase "Old McDonald had a ..." "Ranch!" yelled the American. "No that is not right," said the host. "Station!" yelled the Australian. "No that is not right," said the host. "Farm!" yelled the Irishman. "Yes," said the host. "Now can you spell it?" "E I E I O," said the Irishman.

Prostitute goes up to a Scouser and says, "Do want a blow job?" Scouser replies "Will it affect my dole money?

A man and his fiancee decide to get married and spend their honeymoon in Jamaica. But before they depart, she asks him to get her name tattooed on his penis. With much hesitation, the man agrees. They go to a tattoo artist, who carefully prints WENDY in large letters on his erection. Once in Jamaica, they decide to hit a nude beach. In the mirror at their suite, he realises that, in its flaccid state, the only letters visible on his unit are the W and the Y. At the nude beach, he can't help but notice a Jamaican walking around in the buff with a W and Y visible on his limp member. The newlywed stops the native and says, blushing, "Excuse me, but is your wife named Wendy also?" The Jamacian looks him in the eyes, then looks down at his genitals and responds with a smile, "No, mine says WELCOME TO JAMAICA - HAVE A NICE DAY."

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man really gets into fucking this guy's wife so he works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm. Stubborn to the end, the husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him, triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a fucking towel!"

The scouser said "You're bullshitting me!" The man behind the counter said "Well, you fuckin' started it!"

Getting Into the Olympics An Englishman, an Australian and an Irishman were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in." Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant. The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information." The Englishman gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "John Smith. England. Javelin." The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Smith. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!" The Australian grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Bruce Rhodes. Australia. Discus." The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself." They scamper in, but suddenly realize the Irish guy is missing. Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Paddy Doyle. Ireland. Fencing."

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] [18] [19] [20] [21] [22] [23] [24]

Jokes