SMS and Jokes

Ethnic (Jokes)

Three babies - one German, one Jewish and one Irish were in the nursery of a maternity ward. The nurse got them mixed up so to try and find out which was which she said, "HEIL HITLER!" The German baby shouted, "ZEIG HEIL!", The Jewish baby shit itself, and the Irish baby shovelled it up.

Three men one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?" "I'm getting a fax," he explains.

Casey: Time and a half.

An old Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War 2, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy t o Spamoni, and I am alive today because of it." "Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi. "Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her." "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty." "It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favours, which she did, repeatedly." "You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt." "Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question." "And what is that?" "Should I tell her the war is over?"

Paddy walks into a Sports Shop. He says 'Howya, boss. Any jobs going, boss. lovely day, boss'. The shop owner says, 'Listen don't call me boss. Don't call anyone boss. They will know that you're from the bogs. Go home, clean yourself up and come back to me.' Paddy goes home, gets a haircut and a suit, has a shower and comes back to the shop. 'Good afternoon sir, I was wondering would there be any vacancies in your shop at the moment' Shop owner replies, 'As it happens I do. You look very familiar'. Paddy says, 'I was in last week sir, you told me to come back'. Shop owner: 'God, you look great! Well done! Let's do a trial run. The next customer that comes in, I will serve them and show you how it's done. Then you can have a go and we'll see how you get on' A customer walks in. 'Hi, I was looking for a tennis racket'. Shop Owner replies, 'Is that for grass or hard surface? There is a big difference in the type of racket you need'. Customer: 'I didn't know that. Thanks a million. It's for a grass court'. Shop Owner: 'Ok then, sir. Over there on the high shelf are all the grass court rackets. Have a look and help yourself'. The customer chooses the one he likes, pays for it, thanks the shop owner and leaves the shop. Shop Owner to the Irishman, 'Now you see how it's done. Here comes another customer. You have a go'. Paddy: 'Good afternoon sir. How are you today? Welcome to our shop and how can I help?' Customer: 'Good afternoon to you too. I am looking for a baseball bat'. Paddy: 'No problem sir, we have a large supply. Would that be for a funeral or a wedding?'

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked. Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France) A: No, WE don't stink. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France) A: Only at Christmas. Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany) A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them. Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

An Asylum Seeker walks into a wine bar and asks the landlord, "Can you recommend a good port?" The landlord replies, "Yes, Dover now fuck off!"

The Operator received a call from a somewhat irate and very worried Jamaican who it seems needed some urgent marriage guidance. The call went like this: Telecom : How may we help you? Customer : I haff a big problem with my phone bill. My wife, she think I haffing an affair! Telecom : Okay Sir, and how can we help you with this? Customer : My bill haff all these calls to Salulah and my wife think I haffing an affair with this woman, but I never heard of her before. I need to trace these calls please. Telecom : Sir, I'm sorry but the bill won't actually tell you the name of the person you're calling, just their number. Customer : This one does. Telecom : What phone do you have, Sir? Customer : A mobile. I tell you this. Telecom : No, Sir, what make? What do you have in your hands? Customer : An erection. After a moment's silence, the gallant Telecom worker continued. Telecom : Um, sir? Could you spell that for me? Customer : For sure - E..R..I..C..S..S..O..N. Erection. Another moment's silence from Telecom, and suddenly the penny dropped. Telecom : Sir? Can you spell Salulah for me? Customer : For sure. C..E..L..L..U..L..A...R. Salulah. The end of the conversation was unfortunately not reported.

Even more clues you could be a Redneck... You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil. You think the Bud Bowl is real. Your dog goes "oink!" You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive. Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts. You know how to milk a goat. Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache. Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom. You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside. Turning on your lights involves pulling a string. You have a refrigerator just for beer. You come back from the dump with more than you took. Your wife owns a camouflage nightie. You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts. You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much. You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves. The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle." You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's children would actually have had to have sex with one another for the earth to have become populated. This is surely proof positive that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden.

Q. What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women? A. Oil of Oy Vey.

A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you all go to school?" The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied. The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU ALL GO TO SCHOOL?"

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

A ventriloquist visiting North Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog; in the garden are a horse and a sheep. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welshman: "Can I talk to your dog?" Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English git." Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?" Dog: "Doing all right." Villager displays a look of extreme shock. Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" ....(pointing at the villager) Dog: "Yep!" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good, He walks me twice a day, Feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play". Villager shakes his head with a look of utter disbelief. Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either." Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." The Villager is now absolutely dumbfounded. Ventriloquist, (pointing at the villager): "Is this your owner?" Horse: "Yep!" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good , thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements". Villager now displays a look of total amazement. Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Villager: "Yes I do! That sheep's a bloody liar!"

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Mick the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window. "B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will you look at how fookin short that runway is". "Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Mick. "Tis is gonna be one a' the trickiest landings you are ever see" said Paddy. "Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Mick. "Right Mick. When I give the signal, you put ta engines in reverse" said Paddy "Right, I'll be doing tat" replied Mick. "And ten you put the flaps down straight away" said Paddy "Right, I'll be doing tat" replied Mick. "And ten you stamp on tem brakes as hard as you can" said Paddy "Right, I'll be doing tat" replied Mick. "And ten you pray to ta Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy "Right, I'll be doing tat" replied Mick. So they approached the runway with Paddy and Mick full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Mick put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Mick and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Mick "Tat has gotta be the shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in my whole life" Mick looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, and the fookin widest too".

There were three surgeons who were discussing their patients one day after work: "You should see the German patients," said the first surgeon, "when you open them up, they're insides are like a precision piece of machinery -well crafted and extremely well-tuned". "That is nothing," said the second surgeon, "you should see the Japanese -they are compact, efficient and spare parts are included!" "You guys really haven't operated until you've seen an Australian," boasted the third surgeon, "they are simply a dream -only two moving parts... the mouth and the rectum -and both are readily interchangeable!"

7. You wake up in the middle of the night feeling a bit peckish. Do you: a. Roll over and go back to sleep. b. Pop down to the kitchen for a quick cup of tea and a biscuit. c. Phone twenty of your friends and invite them to come round and spend the next five hours eating snails, frogs, onions and garlic, smoking Gitanes and drinking 48 litres of wine. 8. You arrive at work first thing in the morning What is the first thing you do? a. Start the day's work straight away. b. Sit in the loo for twenty minutes reading the paper. c. Spend three hours shaking hands with your colleagues, hugging them and kissing them on both cheeks as though you have not seen them for twenty years. 9. Your car is stuck behind a large, slow moving lorry which happens to be carrying live sheep. Do you: a. Slow down and wait patiently until a safe passing opportunity presents itself. b. Immediately overtake the lorry at high speed and hope nothing is coming in the opposite direction. c. Overtake the lorry, set up a road block to stop it, smash the cab windows, kill the driver, then set fire to all the sheep. 10. There's a parliamentary election taking place in your constituency. On polling day, whom do you vote for? a. A middle of the road candidate with moderate views on most issues. b. A mainstream left or right wing politician representing the Labour or Conservative party. c. A four foot tall, obviously mad, one bollocked dictator who shouts a lot and has a stupid little "toothbrush" moustache. 11. You admire your neighbour's lawn which is particularly well kept. Which of the following would you do? a. Nothing. You're quite happy with your own patchy area of grass. b. Ask his advice to enable your lawn to look as good as his. c. After promising him that you won't, move your garden fence onto his land making his lawn part of your garden. If he complains, shoot him. 12. You are walking down the street when you see an old lady being mugged by two youths. Would you: a. Wade in without regard for your own safety and try to fight the youths off. b. Run to the nearest phone box to call the police. c. Ignore the fracas completely, declare your neutrality by waving a little white flag above your head, then scarper back to your underground nuclear bomb shelter and try to work out how much money you've made by selling vastly overpriced timepieces and multi-purpose folding knives. 13. Your local football team has won a game. How would you celebrate. Would you: a. Go down the pub and have a few pints with your friends. b. Just stay at home. You aren't that interested in football. c. Drive around in circles in a stupid little twenty year old Fiat with six people on the roof, waving your arms out of the windows and honking the bloody horn all night. 14. You are playing football. At half time it suddenly dawns on you that your team is losing heavily. What action would you take? a. Encourage your team to play better and make more of an effort in the second half. b. Just go out and enjoy the second half. After all, it's only a game. c. Hang the captain of your team from a nearby lamp post, then go out and change sides, joining the winning team for the second half.

In a small town in the old country the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she agreed and they were married. After the marriage Friday came. They went to the Mikva. Then home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said,"my mother told me that after the Mikva and before lighting he candles, it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did. She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said "my father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did. They went to bed after prayers to get ready for Shabbos. When they awoke he said to her" my grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it's a mitzvah to have sex. So they did. After praying all day, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear. "My grandfather says after praying it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did. On Sunday she goes out to shop for food and meets a friend who asks, "So how is the new husband?" She replies. "Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family."

Paddy went to Canada to seek his fortune as a lumberjack. He met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give him a job. "Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told him. Paddy didn't see this as a problem, so he went out with the Chainsaw and did his best. He came back sweating like a pig. ''Christ, how many trees did you cut down?'' asked the foreman. '6'' he replied. ''What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow.'' The foreman said. So he did. Out he went with the chainsaw and came back that night exhausted. 'How many this time?'' asked the foreman. ''12'' he said. The foreman says, ''That does it. I'm coming out there with you tomorrow morning.'' The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, ''This is how to cut down trees really quickly.'' He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM. He notices Paddy is looking at him frantically. So he asks him what's wrong. Paddy replies, ''What the hell is that noise?'''

What's Irish and comes out in the spring? Paddy O'Furniture!

The Irish parachutist realized he had problems when his snorkel wouldn't open

Paddy worked on a building site and one day a slate came down from the roof and cut his ear off. Paddy and his workmates tried to locate his ear in the muck and dirt etc. An ear was found and Paddy was asked Is This Your Ear? Paddy says No, Mine had a PENCIL on it.

'Your glass is empty Paddy, will you be having another?' 'And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?' replied Paddy.

Have you heard about the Irish boomerang? It doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to.

There was this guy who was 1/2 Irish, 1/2 Scottish. he wanted a drink but he couldn't bring himself to buy one.

A young Scots lad goes around to his girlfriend's house wearing his brand new kilt. "Och, Hamish", she says. "That's a grand kilt but is it true that ye dinnae wear anything under it?" "Why dinnae ye put your hand down there and find out?" replies the cunning young Hamish. So the girl obliges and finding that it is indeed true that a Scotsman loves the free and easy life, recoils and withdraws her hand. "Och! Hamish!!" she cries. "That's gruesome!!" To which Hamish responds, "Do it again, it's gruesome more!"

Paddy goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application. The border official looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' into the small space labelled 'SEX'. The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'." "Doesn't matter," Paddy answers

Paddy is sitting with his wife, Judi, at a football match. Every few minutes, some guy comes over and fondles her. They squeeze her tits, reach up her dress, grind against her butt. And Paddy just sits there like nothing is happening. Finally, a guy sitting next to Paddy leans over and says, "Man, don't you see what the hell is happening?" "Yeah, I do." "Well, hell, man, why did you bring her to the game?" "(Sigh) If I leave her at home, everybody goes to my house and fucks her."

Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test. Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy : SEVEN! Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy : SEVEN! Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got? Paddy : SIX. Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Paddy : SEVEN! Tester : How on Earth do you work out? that three lots of two rabbits is seven? Paddy : I've already got one rabbit at home now!

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