Doctor (Jokes)

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first...". This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians".

 

Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. Receptionist, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the blood samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." Mr. Smith, "What do you mean?" Receptionist, "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer, and the other for Syphilis. However, we cannot tell which is your wife." Mr. Smith, "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?" Receptionist, "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town, if she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

 

A man went to the doctor complaining of a severe migraine-type headache and constant ringing noises in his ears. After a very thorough examination, the doctor told him that his symptoms were caused by an infection in his testicles and the only cure was to have them removed. The man was aghast at the news and insisted on a second, third and fourth opinion, but all the doctors agreed that having his testicles removed was the only cure. At first, the man thought he would try to live with his afflictions, but it became unbearable, so he agreed to the operation. A little later, on leaving the hospital and feeling very low, he decided to pop into the gentlemen's outfitters and cheer himself up by buying a new suit. The tailor took one look at him and sail, "Yes, you'll need a 36" waist, a 35" inside leg and a 15" collar. Chest size is... 44". "That's amazing," said the man. "How do you know all that?" "After 40 years in the trade I'm an expert at all men's sizes. You, for instance take an 8" hat and medium sized underpants." "Absolutely spot on," replied the man, "except that I take a small size in underpants." "Oh no, sir, no sir," said the tailor. "if you wear a small size in underpants it could make you sterile, you'd certainly suffer from severe headaches and ringing noises in your ears..."

 

Guy goes to the Doctors and says "Doc, there's something wrong with my leg, it keeps talking to me." The Doctor says "Lie down and I'll have a listen". He puts his stethoscope on the guys thigh and the leg says "Lend me a fiver". He puts it on the knee and the leg says "Lend me a Tenner" He puts it on the ankle and the legs says "Lend me twenty quid" The guy says "what's wrong Doc?" The doctor says "your leg's broke in 3 places."

 

A man visits the doctor. The doctor says "I have bad news for you. You have cancer and Alzheimer's disease". The man replies "Well, thank God I don't have cancer!"

 

A man goes to see his doctor and says "Doc I'm not getting full enjoyment from my sex life and I think it would help if my willy was bigger" The doctor asks "What do you normally drink?" "Lager" is the reply. "Oh dear" says the doc "That tends to shrink things, try switching to Guinness" The man comes back the following week, shakes the doctor's hand and says "Thanks for the advice" The doc says "You switched to Guinness then?" "No" says the man "I've put the wife on lager"

 

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. ''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.'' The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?'' ''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.

 

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!". The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit". The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina." The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper" So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted. The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

 

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

 

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

 

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how everything went." A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how her love life has been. "Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor." "What happened?" asks the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible." "What was terrible?" said the doctor, "Was the sex not good?" "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.

 

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the doctors, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

 

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?" The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy" The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection" The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours"

 

A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc". "Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day". "Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work". "Oh I see", said the doc. "No, hang on", said the man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there". "Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom". "Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie". "Now I understand", said the patient doctor. "No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack". Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..". "No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards". "What's your problem?". asked the doc. "Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I wank"

 

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery: 1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy." 2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop." 3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" 4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!" 5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?" 6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie." 7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex." 8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?" 9. "Damn, there go the lights again...." 10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two." 11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"

 

The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex. 'Oh,' he mused, 'It was 1945.' 'Isn't that a long time to go without sex?' the doctor asked. 'I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13.'

 

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either." " Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black" "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well, yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well, yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."

 

A guy walks into the doctors and says "hi doc, I've got a p-p-p-p-p-p-problem my w-w-ife's going t-t-to d-d-d-divorce me because of m-m-my s-s-s-stutter. C-c-c-can you h-h-help?" The doc says "In my experience, most speech impediments are caused by a physical problem, so get behind the screen and remove your clothing for an examination" The guy whips his gear off and the doc walks in and exclaims "My god, I can see your problem immediately! Your cock is so big, its pulling the skin tight all the way up your torso to your neck! Its affecting your vocal chords!" The guy says " W-w-what can you d-d-do to s-s-save m-m-my m-marriage then d-d-doc?" The doctor then outlines a plan to use a local anesthetic, chop a few inches out of the center of the huge member and stitch the pieces together. The guy agrees to come in the following day for the operation. A few weeks later the guy returns to the doctors and says "Doctor, this is fantastic I can talk properly for the first time and it's wonderful, I owe it all to you, but I still have a problem. My wife still wants a divorce as now I can't satisfy her, can't you sew the old piece back on?" The doctor turns in his chair looks the guy straight in the eye and says " You can f-f-f-f-f-fuck o-o-o-off!!!"

 

A 75 yr. old woman went to the Dr. for a check up. The Dr. told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the Dr., "Please tell my husband." The Dr. went into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needs sex 3 times a week. The 80 year old husband replied, "Which days?" The Dr. answered, "Mon. Wed. and Fri. would be ideal." The husband said, " I can bring her on Mon. and Wed., but on Fri. she'll have to take the bus."

 

Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Arthur. "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor "Well, O.K.," says the doctor. "But it's against my better judgment!" So Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his dripstand. Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Arthur, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." Arthur stared at him in horror. "Damn! THAT'S the word!!!"

 

A man fell asleep on the beach one day and the wind came up and blew sand all over him until he was covered with only his big toe sticking out. A nympho was walking down the beach, saw the toe sticking up, she pulled down her bikini bottom and squatted over the toe. She humped away till she was satisfied, pulled up her drawers and left. The guy woke up, brushed the sand away and left, not knowing what happened. The next day his foot itched like hell, and had a sore on it. He went to the Doctor and after an exam the doc told him he had syphilis of the big toe. "Syphilis of the big toe?", he inquired, "isn't that rare." The doc said "Yes, but if you think that's rare, I had a woman in here this morning with athlete's twat."

 

A guy gets a new job and he works Tuesday to Friday, but on Monday he calls his boss and says: "I can not come in today. I'm sick." The same thing happens next week and the week after. The boss gets irritated, but he doesn't want to fire the guy, because he's really good at what he does. He calls him in his office and says to him: "Listen, I'm really happy that I've hired you, but you simply don't work on Mondays. Tell me what the problem is? Do you drink a lot, do you take drugs?" "No," replies the guy, "I don't drink at all and I don't do drugs. But my sister is married to this guy, who drinks every weekend. So when he comes home he beats her really badly. I go to visit her every Monday to make sure she's OK. She starts crying on my shoulder, one thing leads to another and then we start fucking." "You fuck your sister?" The guy replies, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

 

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"

 

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

 

"I've got a big problem, Doctor." "Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely normal. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

 

Man goes to a party and gets so totally drunk that he passes out. He wakes up the next day and discovers two lines around his penis. There was a red one, and a brown. He goes to the doctor and the doc takes samples of both lines. Later on the doc comes back to him and says, "There's good news and bad news. The good news is the red was lipstick. But the brown is the bad news." The guy asks, "Why, what was it?" "It was chewing tobacco!!!"

 

A man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his bum. He says to the doctor that he is a little concerned. Upon examination the doctor turns to his patient and says "It's worse than I originally thought. That's just the tip of the iceberg."

 

A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. "My dick's gone orange." The sceptical doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Sure enough the guy's dick is orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life." Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doctor asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago and the doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guy's stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit at home, watch porno films and eat Cheesy Wotsits."

 

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the husband's exam, the doctor then said to him, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?" "In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." "This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you." After examining the elderly wife, the doctor said to her, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

 

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises."replies the man "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

 

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