SMS and Jokes

Doctor (Jokes)

A Ballerina goes to the doctor, "Doc I am having terrible trouble with the most awful wind. Every time I pirouette I fart," she cries. "Hmmm," says the Doctor, "I'd like to see that if possible." The ballerina gets up, pirouettes and Phrrrt... farts loudly. "That's amazing, do it again." Again the pirouette is accompanied by a loud fart. "Hmmm," says the Doctor. "I think I may be able to help." He bends down and picks up a long pole with a curious hook on the end. The ballerina jumps back in alarm, "What are you going to do with that?" "Open the window, it stinks in here"

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake , so he examined her. " You'll be fine," he said. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?" The Surgeon seemed to pause which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be alright won't I
" He replied, 'Yes , you'll be fine Miss Lewinski. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a VERY LOUD VOICE the receptionist said, "YES, I SEE YOUR NAME HERE -- YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION -- AND I'D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

One day 2 carrots were walking down the street. They were the best of friends. Just as they started to step off the curb a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over. The unhurt carrot cradled his buddy, telling him over and over again that he would be OK. Finally an ambulance arrived and rushed the injured carrot off to the hospital. His friend rode with him. Once at the hospital the uninjured carrot paced back and forth in the emergency room waiting to hear how his pal was going to be. After many hours of agonized waiting; the doctor came out. He walked over to the distraught carrot and said "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through. The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

Minutes after a woman gives birth, the doctor comes in and says, "Mrs. Jones, I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman, terrified, sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong?" "Well," says the doctor, "Your baby is a hermaphrodite." "A hermaphrodite... what's that?" "It means your baby has the... er... features... of both male and female." "Oh my god!" sighs the woman with relief. "You mean, Doctor, my baby has a penis... and a brain?"

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory - because her gammon was dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a Cornish pastie rather than toad in the hole. Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them." "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks." "Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy. "The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!" "Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?" "That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears"

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. The light goes on when I pee, and then (Poof!) the light goes off when I'm done." "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (Poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (Poof!) the light goes off?" "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

A Glasgow woman dials 999 and requests an ambulance. The operator enquires as to the nature of the emergency and the woman replies that she is pregnant. "Madam, you can't have an ambulance simply because you are pregnant" replies the operator. "Aye, I know," says the woman, "but ma waaters have broke!". "Oh, right well that's a different matter." says the operator, "Where are you ringing from?" Woman replies.................... "Fae ma fanny tae ma feet!!!!"

An Olympic athlete was subject to a random drug check and he tested positive for drugs. However he adamantly denied taking any illegal drugs, so he was sent for a further interview with the Olympics medical authorities. During his interview, one of the doctors asks him to account for his activity the previous night. The athlete admitted to that the previous night he had slipped out of the Olympic Village and stopped off at the local bar. He told the doctor that gradually, one by one, the bar emptied, until it was only himself and a woman in the bar. He told the doctor that since he was by himself, he sat with her and bought her a drink, and pretty soon, she asked him for a ride home. The doctor asked, "Then what happened?" The athlete told him that as soon as they got in the car, the woman became quite amorous, and she performed oral sex on him, and then asked him to perform oral sex on her. "Don't tell me that you did it," said the doctor interviewing him. "Sure I did," answered the athlete. "Why, what's the matter?" "Well, said the doctor, "That's why you tested positive. That was a barbitchyouate."

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

A lady goes to the gynecologist for an exam. While examining her, the doctor asks, "So, did you ever have a check-up here before?" "No" she replied, "but I have had a couple of Germans and a Russian"

It's Melanie's first time at the gynecologist. She's up in the stirrups, and she's scared to death. The gynecologist says, "You're nervous, aren't you?" She says, "Yes. It's my first time at the gynecologist." He says, "Would you like me to numb you down there?" She says, "Please." He sticks his head between her legs and goes, "Num, num, num..."

Gallagher just had a heart transplant and was getting instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and alcohol and advised to get at least eight hours sleep a night. "What about my sex life?" asked Gallagher. "Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?" "Only with your wife, said the doctor. We don't want you to get too excited."

A Doctor gets taken short up in the middle of the night and finds his toilet is completely blocked. He says to his wife, "I'm going to have to call a plumber." The wife replies, "You can't call a plumber out at three in the morning!" He says, "Of course I can! I have to go out on night-time calls if a patient needs me." Anyway, he rings a plumber, who complains bitterly about having to come out in the middle of the night. The Doctor says the same thing: "I have to come out on late-night calls to see patients - why shouldn't you?" At about 3.30AM the plumber arrives, very bleary-eyed, and the Doctor shows him to the blocked toilet. The plumber drops two Aspirin down the pan and says to the Doctor, "If there's no change, call me in the morning!"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start"

The best requests why an ambulance was needed for routine hospital visits. 1) "I'm under the doctor and can't breathe." 2) "I can't breathe and haven't done so for years." 3) "I am unable to walk now as my dog has died." 4) "I have got arthritis and heart failure in both feet." 5) "My husband is dead and won't bring me." 6) "I want transport as bus drivers do funny things to me and make me feel queer." 7) "I cannot walk up a hill unless it is down and your clinic is up." 8) "I can come anytime that suits you, but not mornings as I don't feel too good. I can't come on Mondays or Wednesdays as my home help comes and not on Friday as the butcher calls for his money. I can't come on a Tuesday as my sister calls. Other than that any time suits." 9) "I need transport as I have funny feet." 10) "I hope you will send your driver as my husband is useless."

Dying American soldier in battlefield hospital in Afghanistan : How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die. Nurse (Extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism): I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind. Soldier : Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish. The nurse took off her panties and the dying soldier kissed the flag. Soldier : Thank you, nurse. Would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?

A guy goes in to see an optometrist. The doctor says, "You have to stop masturbating." The guy says, "Why? Am I going blind?" The doctor says, "No, you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

A rapist went to the Doctor and complained that every time he has sex his eyes burn The Doctor told him that's perfectly normal, it's just the pepper spray.

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'share the love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah... this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!" The Doctor looks at her and says "It's against the code of ethics to kiss you." About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!" Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you." Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!!" "Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be screwing you".

my husband last week, didn't you? Now remove it, please."

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home. EXERCISE 1: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough. EXERCISE 2: Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast. EXERCISE 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again. You are now properly prepared.

With my doctor, I don't get any respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him. The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?" The man replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor." "W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?" The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem. " A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?" "Well, if you must know. I piss like you talk."

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her. "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know we all have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied. The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

problem is worth bothering the vet on call. Press 27 if you want us to trim the nails on your aggressive dog. Press 28 if your reptilian pet has been living in a small tank in a cold dark room and has not eaten for 60 days, despite you having offered it several types of chocolates and crisps. Press 29 if you pet has removed its bandage because you took off the e-collar, even though we explicitly requested you leave it on. Press 30 if you think people have been coming into your house at night and pulling your cats teeth out (and all teeth present on exam) Press 31 if you think that your dog is suicidal. (true story). Press 32 if, even after 3 previous phone calls in which you were told that we are a vet hospital and do not see parrots, you still need clarification of the matter. Press 33 if you are allergic to electricity and want all the electric equipment turned off while you are in the clinic. Press 34 if you want to know what type of home medical care you need to give your dead rabbit when you pick it up. Press 35 if you would an appointment to strip in the exam room to show the vet:- (pick one) 1. your skin rash/sore that you think are caused by your pet. 2. your current surgery incisions to see whether they are healing properly and whether or not the vet thinks that the human surgeon did the surgery properly. 3.your old surgery/battle scars so you can boast what a tough person you are and why your pet doesn't need pain meds for its pending surgical procedure. 4. your skin lumps to see if the vet thinks they need to be removed, and whether or not the vet would be willing to remove them instead of going to the human doctor. Press 36 if your unspayed 10 yr old dog has been in labor for over 2 days (when you suddenly realized she is pregnant) and you now suspect something is wrong. Press 37 if your 'rotweiller got the mange'. Press 38 if your cat has ingested 5 hershey kisses and you're worried he will die. Press 39 if you have already given your kitten tylenol and want to know if it was the right thing to do. Press 40 if your dog was neutered 6 weeks ago and you are angry because the testicles were removed. Press 41 if you want your dog to be spayed but you want the doctor to come to your house and crawl under the porch to do it because she will not come out!!!

A man was suffering from a stomach ache, so he told his wife who suggested he try the tablets the Doctor had given her for a similar pain. After taking his wife's tablets for a week, the pain disappeared but he developed two rather tender lumps, one behind each ear. He went to his doctor, showed him the lumps, and explained what had happened. Whereby the Doctor called him all the fools under the sun, saying, "You bloody idiot! I was treating your wife for a fallen womb, God knows how I'm going to get your balls back down".

A woman with 3 vaginas goes to the doctors about her embarrassing problem to ask for some help. The doctor takes a look down below and asks her to jump up on the table. She spreads her legs apart and the doctor proceeds to sew up two of the holes leaving the middle one open. The woman asks "Am I cured?" and the doctor replies "No, but it'll stop you getting fucked left right and center"

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