SMS and Jokes

Doctor (Jokes)

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag. "Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor: "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days." The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. "What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag. "I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor. "No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag. "Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor. "No! I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor. "No! I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor. "No! I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!" "Well", said the doctor: "are you in a homosexual relationship?" "No! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!" "Then there can be only one explanation," said the doctor: "your mother must have been a carrier!"

A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life. "Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old." "My goodness Frank, and at your age, too." the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some precautions." "Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave 'em all a phony name."

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her private parts and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines...no pulse...no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant. Concerned about her friend's welfare, she approached the surgeon and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?" The doctor replied, "Well, she's young and she's in extremely good health, apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?" The patient's friend replied, "She's been working the streets for over 10 years,but what's that got to do with anything?" "Well," replied the doctor, "if she hasn't rejected an organ in all those years, what makes you think she's gonna start now!"

A woman goes to her gynecologist and complains of a pain in her aviaries. "Don't you mean ovaries
" the doc says. "No" she says. "We had better have a look" says doc. After a minute of peering, doc says "You're right, It looks like there's been a cockatoo up there"

A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you." The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. "Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs." The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?" The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have." "That's the problem," the doctor says, "Tell him his earrings aren't made of gold!!!"

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this sweater!"

A lady goes to see her doctor and says, "Doc, my back really hurts when I have sex." The doctor says, "Which position do you use?" The lady says, "We always do it doggie style." The doctor says, That's your problem. Try using the missionary position." She says, "I can't do that. My dog has terrible breath."

A young hillbilly and his new bride came down from the hills to visit the doctor. Hemming and hawing, looking down at his hat in his hands, the young man explained that he and his new bride did not know what to do to have children. The doctor took out his charts and books for adolescents and carefully explained the birds and the bees. The two looked bewilderdly at each other, then at the doctor. The doctor attempted to explain in various ways and terms the ins and outs of human reproduction. Finally, exasperated, the doctor laid the bride on the exam table and screwed her. "Now do you understand?", the doctor asked the hillbilly. "Yes, sir. Just one question," the hillbilly answered. The doctor grabbed his forehead and squawked, "Yes, what is it?" "How often do I have to bring her in?"

The other day," said the woman to the psychiatrist, "I happened to see my son and the little girl next door both naked, examining each other's bodies." "Well, that's not unusual," smiled the shrink, "I wouldn't worry about something as normal as that." "But I AM worried doctor." insisted the woman. "I don't think it's normal at all, and neither does my son's wife."

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times so far this month!"

A man went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to help me. You've got to tell me what to do." The doctor decided on how to best handle the case. "Look," he said, "here are some pills. You take these twice a day and they'll enable you to fuck your wife six times a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll fuck her to death." "Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient. "I think I'll take her to Miami Beach so there won't be anything to interfere with us and no one will be suspicious." He left with a bottle of pills in his hand and a smile on his face. Nearly a month passed. The doctor flew to Miami Beach for a medical convention. There, on Lincoln Road, he saw his patient coming along in a wheelchair, just managing to move forward. "What happened?" the doctor asked. "What happened?" "Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "two more days and she'll be dead."

Urologists never have to advertise..... They just open up an office and the patients come trickling in.

A male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with an elf nurse. One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem. "Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh." Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that." "Really?" the relieved elf asked. She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."

implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. You're simply going through your change."

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to send his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore. The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more." The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..." "I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

A Trinity College research group advertised in the Irish Times for participants in a study of a particular obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for former therapy patients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 replies about three days after the ad came out. All from the same person.

A GP, a junior doctor, a surgeon and a pathologist are out one day duck hunting near Mullingar. First up is the local GP. He raises his gun to take aim at a flock of birds passing overhead and says to himself, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck, quacks like a duck, it must be a duck." BANG! He bags himself a duck. The young intern then steps up, raises his gun to take aim at a second flock of birds flying overhead. He says to himself, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck, quacks like a duck, rule out quail, rule out pheasant, goose versus duck, likely." BANG! He, too, bags himself a duck. A third flock of birds then flies overhead and the surgeon steps up and raises his gun at the flock. BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! He fires multiple rounds at the flock and dead birds are dropping all around. The surgeon lowers his gun, walks over to one of the dead birds, picks it up, hands it to the pathologist and says, "Tell me if this is a duck."

The couple left the gynaecologist's office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently. Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card. "Why are you masked?" the husband asked. "Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from your mouth and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you." Turning to her husband, the wife exclaimed "This is the answer to our prayers!" Then she turned back to thank the stranger but he was gone. "Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband. He answered, "That was ... the Clone Arranger."

A scientist was successful in cloning himself. He was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists in Vancouver, Canada. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a skyscraper. The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology. "My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, "he's an ASSHOLE!". The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "sit down and shut-up!". Apologising for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists...". Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "this stupid EEJIT couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a complete and absolute FRAUD!!!!" Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window. The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later the police arrived and were explained the events that had transpired. The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you." The scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone, not a person." The attending scientists nodded in agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we can not let this heinous act go unchallenged." The police chief thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for "Making an obscene clone fall..."

The first day at the London sperm bank was pretty unsuccessful. Only two men made appointments. One came on the bus and the other missed the tube.

Woman goes to the doctor with a bloated stomach and pains. Doctor doesn't know what's wrong so he takes a blood sample and tells her to come back in a week. The woman comes back and says 'Oh doctor, I'm in such pain, what's wrong with me?' to which the doctor replies 'Well, let's put it this way, I hope you like changing nappies'. So the woman says 'Oh, I am going to have a baby?' and the doctor says 'No, you've got bowel cancer'.

An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis, Sir." "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man," said the Major. He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir." "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man," barked the Major. He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!"

A girl walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and said, "I need to see the upturn, please." "I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty. "Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'" "Don't you mean 'examination,'" the nurse questioned her again. "Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway." "I'm sure you mean the maternity ward." To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity.... What's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant."

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my bum." The doctors says "Drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " What could have made a hole as big as that?" Patient replies "I've been fucked by an elephant". The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous". Patient replies "He fingered me first".

A guy walks into a doctor's with a frog on his head. The doctor said, "What's the problem?" The frog said, "Well, it all started with this lump on my arse..."

Irish Medical Dictionary Artery............................The study of Painting Bacteria.........................Back door of a Cafeteria Barium...........................What Doctors do when patients die Bowel............................A letter like A,E,I,O,U Caesarean Section..........A neighbourhood in Rome Cat Scan........................Search for kitty Cauterise........................Made eye contact with her Coma.............................A punctuation mark D&C.............................Where Washington is Dilate.............................To live longer Enema...........................Not a friend Fester ..........................Quicker Fibula...........................A small lie Genital..........................Not a Jew G.I Series.....................A soldier ball game Hangnail.......................Coat hook Impotent.......................Distinguished, well known Labour pain..................Getting hurt at work Medical Staff................Doctors cane Morbid.........................A higher offer Nitrates........................Cheaper than day rates Node...........................Was aware of Outpatient....................A person who has fainted Pap smear....................A fatherhood test Pelvis...........................A cousin to Elvis Recovery room............Place to do upholstery Rectum........................Almost killed him Secretion.................... Hiding something Seizure....................... Roman Emperor Tablet..........................A small table Terminal illness.............Getting sick at the airport Tumor..........................Another two Urine...........................Opposite to "you're out" Varicose......................Nearby Vein.............................Bigheaded

A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburned beyond belief. He could hardly stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looked at his lobster coloured legs and shook his head. "You must realise that this is only a small village medical facility," he explained. "I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra. Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet going to do?" "Not a thing for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but it will keep the sheets off your legs.

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor. "Do you wash?" the doc asked the rank young girl. "Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then, I start at my feet and wash up as far up as possible." "Well, then," the doc concluded, "Go home and wash possible."

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