SMS and Jokes

Doctor (Jokes)

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!), "Oh, you can forget that hand-waving shit. I can talk now!" Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon. After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well. "Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!" "Very well," replies the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in." The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet. The mute jumps from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!" "VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Tuesday, we continue with 'B'."

Marijuana has been proven to have a multitude of medicinal uses. And it's not just bunch of potheads wanting to smoke pot either! 2% of them would reap actual medical benefits!!! Here's Cannabis Canada's recommended dosages: Symptom/Illness - Treatment Glaucoma - 1/4 ounce per week, use as needed Asthma - two large bong hits per attack Minor burns - 1 joint every 4-6 hours Insomnia - bowl at bedtime and as soon as you wake up Depression - three large bong hits, 5-8 times per day Hangnail - 1/2 ounce per week as long as symptoms persist Feel kinda funny - pot brownies after each meal My balls itch - antifungal cream applied to balls, and 2 - 3 joints per day Jonesin' for some pot - 1 full ounce every 4 days, refill as needed Waay tooo stoned man - Smoke as much as needed until you feel 'normal' again Can't cope with shit - Stay in bed and smoke plenty of pot until better Getting bored with Quake - One large bong hit every time you save game Paranoia - Smoke as much pot as humanly possible (while you still can)

A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens. The old doctor even quoted a very affordable price. "This looks great," said the young doctor. "I just can't figure out how you're able to have such a nice set up with so few people to practice on." "It's just simple, common sense and a strong work ethic," replied the older medico. "For example, most folks around here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year. "My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening and putting things in order. Our herb garden gives us a huge harvest because of that, so we mix the herbs and boil them up for my secret tonic." "But that doesn't explain this fine house and all this land," said the younger man. The elder doc replied, "That's where going that extra bit pays off. I run into my patients at church, at the store, whatever -- right after they get back from their vacations. I tell them they don't look too good, and they usually say that their vacation took a lot out of them." He continued, "I'll agree with them, then invite them to stop around to my office for some of my old fashioned tonic, and at ten bucks a bottle, it can add up really fast! Of course, that's just the beginning. "A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment on how much better they're looking, so that they feel like the tonic is working. "Then I have them stop by the office for a complete physical exam, just to make sure everything is alright. I also tell them to bring in a specimen, and this way I get my bottles back!"

"Is there a woman here in need of assistance?" asked the medic from the ambulance as he knocked on the door. "Yes." replied the man opening the door. "It's my wife. She has an electric vibrator lodged in her." "Well, we'll have to transport her to the hospital." the medic replied. "Those things can be tricky to remove." "Never mind." said the husband. "We have a health plan which doesn't allow emergency room visits except for life-threatening incidents. But for now, could you at least turn it off? It's interfering with the TV."

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Man says to doctor "Doc I keep thinking I'm a cowboy" Doc says "How long have you had these feelings?" Man "Oh, about a yeehaa"

The Queen of England was visiting a hospital and she stopped by one of the beds to speak to the man lying there. "What is wrong with you, sir?" she asked the man. "I got a wart on my balls," he replies, much to the astonishment of the nurses. One of the nurses immediately rushes over to him. "You can't say that to the queen!" the nurse shouts. "Well what should I have said then?" replies the man. "Something like you have a bruise on your back, or a cut on your arm, or a graze on your knee. Anything but 'I have a wart on my balls'!" answers the nurse. Two months later, Princess Anne is visiting the same hospital, and just happens to pass the same bed, with the same man in it. "What is wrong with you, sir?" asks the princess. "Um, I have a bruise on my back," replies the man. "Oh," the princess answers, "I'm so glad to hear that your balls are better...I'll tell the queen."

She was beautiful, blonde and buxom - a perfect specimen of womanhood - with a small baby in her arms. He was in his first day in private practice, eager to show he knew all about everything. "What's seems to be the problem?", he asked in his best medical manner. "It's the baby", she said, "He seems under-nourished." Earnestly the doctor carried out an extensive examination of the baby and then asked, "Is he breast-fed?" "Yes doctor, he is", she replied. "Will you strip off to the waist now, please?" the doctor said. The young woman looked at the doctor somewhat anxiously, and began to protest. "But doctor ... " The doctor simply brushed her protestations aside by saying, "it is better to look at everything ... so if you wouldn't mind?" Blushing with embarrassment, she took off her blouse and bra, revealing a perfect pair of large, firm breasts. The young doctor professionally weighed each one in his hands, stroked them forward and back, and then gently flicked each nipple in turn for a few moments, finally lightly squeezing them between his fingers and thumb. Ah!", he said, as his face broke into a knowing smile. "That's the problem, you do not have one little bit of milk!" "Oh doctor, that's not the problem", she replied, "I'm just the baby-sitter - but it sure has been a REAL pleasure meeting you!"

Saw a commercial for Cialis. The end of their commercials always have some "warnings" about using it. One of their warnings stated something like 'erections lasting more than 4 hours may need immediate medical attention'. I can see this guy going to an emergency room and saying "I've got a hard on that won't go away!" "Well sir, would you like to see a doctor?" "No, maybe a nurse or two."

A man went to see the local doctor and complained because his wife was having too many little bastards; she was having at least one per year. He said, "Doc, ya gotta help me, I can't gets enough welfare or steal enough to feeds 'em all." The doctor got down his medical reference book and looked up the problem. He told his patient the book said if a man's bitch was having too many brats, he should remove the man's right testicle. He then administered anaesthesia with a beer bottle and took out his pocket knife and performed the surgery. Three years later the man was back at the doctor's office complaining the surgery had failed; she was still having at least one per year. The wise doctor took his book back down and studied the problem. The doctor said, "Well, the book says if your wife is having too many brats to remove your right testicle, we've done that. If she still has too many brats, then we should remove the left testicle." Once again he got his beer bottle and his pocket knife and performed surgery. Three years later, the same man was back complaining the surgery had once again failed. The doctor was quite perplexed and got his book back down. After several minutes of study he told his patient, "It says here if a man's wife is having too many brats to remove his right testicle. If she continues to have too many brats, remove his left testicle. We've done all that. The next page says if the man's wife still has too many brats after you have removed both testicles, you've done castrated the wrong man!"

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. "Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, It seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?" "Well," the doctor answered, "haemophilia is a genetic disorder And it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?" After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about two or three thousand dollars, I guess."

Doctor, I keep seeing things What sort of things? Well, Mickey Mouse, Pluto and Donald Duck to name a few. And how long have you been having these Disney spells?

Two buddies are on their way to the U.S. Army Induction Centre for physicals. Neither wants to go to war, so one says, "I hear that if you don't have any teeth they won't take you." They decide it's worth a try, so they stop at a dentist and have all their teeth pulled. When they arrive at the Induction Centre there is a line waiting to get physicals. They decide it might look fishy if both stand in line, one after the other, so one guy heads for the back of the line. Just as he steps into line, a big ole farm boy hits the end of the line right in front of him, so the second toothless guy lines up behind him. The first toothless guy steps up and the doctor asks, "Anything wrong with you?" The guy says, "Well, no, except I don't have any teeth." The doctor says, "Open up and let me have a look." The guy opens his mouth and the doctor runs his finger around his gums and says, "Sure enough, you stand over there." The line slowly progressed to his buddy while he waited. The farmboy in front of him steps up and the doctor asks, "Anything wrong with you?" The farm boy says, "No doc, 'ceptin I have a little case of the piles." The doctor says, "Bend over, spread 'em and let me see." The boy does. The doctor rams his finger in, pulls it out, looks at his finger and says, "Sure 'nough. You stand over there." The next toothless guy having observed the examination with the farmboy steps up and when the doctor asks him, "Anything wrong with you?" "Not a damn thing ... just give me a gun, I'm a fighting son-of-a-bitch !!"

A police officer was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence. "Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

The doctor approached the husband who was in the waiting room while his wife was being examined. The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "Your wife has syphilis." The husband exclaimed, "What could possibly be 'good news' with a situation like that?" The doctor replied, "She didn't get it from you."

The nurse went out into the hallway and spoke to the man in the sterile gown and mask pacing up and down saying, "The delivery is going so well, wouldn't you like to come in now?" "No! I can't stand all that blood and screaming. Leave me alone." A few minutes later, she went out again and said, "It is almost over. Wouldn't you like to come in now?" "No! Leave me alone! I told you I can't stand all that blood and screaming!" "But, you must," the nurse replied. "The delivery is almost finished, you are the doctor!"

A pregnant woman went to the gynaecologist, and when asked what was the problem, she responded, "Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard." Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, "Your nipples get hard?" "Yes," quite innocently came her reply. "Undress so I can check," replied the still amazed doc. So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer. After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said, "Well madam, I don't know what you have, but it's sure as hell contagious!"

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted "he's behind you"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The doctor tells his patient: "Mandy, I have some good news and some bad news." She asks for the good news first. "Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared." "And the bad news?" Mandy asks. To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a natural bitch."

436= "I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds. "I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time...."

Mrs. Jones frantically called her doctor, Dr. Smith, and asked, "Doctor, did I happen to leave my panties in your examining room when I was there earlier today?" Dr. Smith replied, "No. We found no panties here." Mrs. Jones answered, "O.K., I must have left them at the dentist's."

A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant "Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients". "Yes, sir!!!" answers Ole. The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Ole, how was your day?" Ole told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL." "Bravo ya Ole, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Ole. "Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!" And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes."

Q: Why do doctors and nurses really wear masks during an operation? A: If somebody fucks up, nobody will know who it was.

One woman said to another, "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynaecologist yet! I mean he's so young and handsome! And your gynaecologist is so old!" The other woman replied with a smile, "Yeah, I know. His hands shake "all" the time!"

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14]

Jokes