SMS and Jokes

Doctor (Jokes)

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex. So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem. The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report. A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is. "He's dead," she replies. "Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?" The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car."

Three London surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in London. A concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and eight months later he performed a private concert for the Queen ." One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and two years later he won a gold medal in field events in th e Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse heaon into a train travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's blond mane and a big ass. Now she's the Duchess of Cornwall.

The NEW ABCs A is for apple, and B is for boat, that used to be right, but now it won't float. Age before beauty is what we once said, but let's be a bit more realistic instead. Now, A is for arthritis 'B's the bad back, C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac. D is for dental decay and decline' E is for eyesight, can't read that top line. F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention. H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend K is for knees that crack when they bend. L for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget! What comes next? N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow P for prescriptions, I have quite a few Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new. Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R for reflux, one meal turns to two S for sleepless nights, counting my fears. T for tinnitus; there's bells in my ears. U is for urinary; big troubles with flow; V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know. W is for worry, NOW what's going round? X is for X-ray, and what might be found. Y is another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, And I've kept 26 doctors fully employed!!

A business man was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news " says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "The good news, I have another one to replace it, but it's a woman's arm!" "Carry on" says the man." As long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and 6 months later the business man was out on the golf course and he bumped into the surgeon who operated on him. "Hi, how's the arm?" asks the surgeon. "Great" says the business man. "My golf has improved and my handicap is down, but every time I go for a piss, the bloody thing wont let go!!"

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynaecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynaecologist again. The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynaecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?" He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynaecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynaecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear perfectly. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear once again." The old chap replied: "Oh, I haven't told my family yet, I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times so far!"

The shapely woman was in the gynaecological stirrups, and her doctor was in the middle of his examination when he suddenly stopped and said brusquely, "Look, madam, I'm a happily married man ... so would you please stop squeezing my hand?"

"No need for me to come out to the house," the doctor told the worried caller. "I've checked my files and your uncle isn't really ill at all - he just thinks he's sick." A week later, the doctor telephoned to make sure his diagnosis had been correct. "How's your uncle today?" he asked. "Worse," came the reply. "Now he thinks he's dead."

Medical Breakthrough Medications St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out. Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music. Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up. Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?" Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome. Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic gynaecologist? A: He wants to look at your vinegar.

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention
" the friend asked. "You look fine to me." "I know." grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

Marvin was in the hospital. He was an old man. Anyway, there was this young nurse. Every time she came in, she talked to him like a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice "And how are we doing this morning?!" One day, Marvin had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a Urine Bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went. The nurse came in and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. "It seems we are a little cloudy today..." At this, Marvin snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time."

Jeff was seeing his doctor. The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "Your wife has syphilis." "Jeez! What could possibly be good news." "She didn't get it from you."

A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra. The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?" The guy says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."

To: All EMS Personnel From: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following. 1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again). 2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state. 3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sht), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome." 4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms." 5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted." 6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants." 7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge". 8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records). I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.

There was a man in a hospital who thought that he would die. So he asks the beautiful nurse to accomplish his last wish. Nurse he says, "I want to kiss the head of Nikita Kruschev." (you know a president of the ex USSR who was fat and had no hair on his head). "Nikita Kruschev? But he is dead for a long time." "I don't care I want to kiss his head," the man says. "This is my last wish!" The nurse didn't know what to do. Then she thought of something. As the man did not wear his glasses the nurse takes her beautiful tits out of her bra and offers the left one to the man. He holds it, caresses it and very moved. He said, "Oh my dear Nikita, my old friend!! How happy I am to see you again!" He was kissing her left tit so warmly that the nurse started liking the whole situation. She asks the man, "What about kissing president Eisenhower's head." "Yes!! Is he here too?" "Of course he is here," she says, and offers him her right tit. "Oh my dear president how happy I am to see you here," said the man, kissing again and again, "Eisenhower." The nurse liked all that very very much; and started to feel her pussy getting moist; so she asks the man, "What about Fidel Castro?"

Two patients limp into two different British medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week. The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients? The first is a Golden Retriever.....The second is a Senior Citizen.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. So, he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction and awaits the results. The computer printed the following: Tesco Diagnostics 1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet. 3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 5) Your wife is pregnant with twins; they aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...! Thank you for shopping at Tesco

A guy has a boil on his ass. He goes to his GP, his doctor, and the doctor says, "There's nothing I can do. I'm gonna refer you to a private doctor. It looks to me like you should go, because this thing could get infected." So, he goes to this private doctor and the private doctor looks and says, "Gee, there's nothing that I can do. This thing is out of control, but I know this specialist you should go to." He refers him to this specialist. The specialist has a look. The specialist is appalled. He says, "OK. There's nothing I can do, but I can refer you to this one guy who I think might be able to help you" and he writes the name down. The guy follows this address. It takes him down to these docks. He's wandering around these docks and he finds this old wooden door with a name. It says on the front "Peter Puss-sucker." He opens it up and there's this guy in there who has one tooth. He says, "Let me have a look." The guy pulls down his pants and there's this huge boil on his ass. He says, "That's fine. Bend over. What I'm going to do is bite into this boil and I'm gonna suck out the poison... It's the only thing we can do." So, he bends over and the guy bites into it and is sucking the poison out. The guy can't help it, he farts in his face. Pete stands up and says, "Jesus, man! Blokes like you make this job disgusting!!!"

Dr. Barradley completed his examination of the teenage girl, then took her mother aside. "I'm afraid," he said, "that your daughter has syphilis." "Oh, my!" exclaimed the embarrassed woman. "Tell me, could she possibly have caught it in a public lavatory?" After giving it a little thought, Dr. Barradley responded, "It's possible," then added, "but it would certainly have been uncomfortable."

comes to my health, money is no object!"

ears and asks him whether his hearing is impaired in any way. "No doctor," replies Moshe, "but I do get some crackling from time to time."

A guy walked into the doctor's office for an appointment. "Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor." "It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection." "Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

Joe's wife was sick. Very sick. None of the doctors could figure out what was wrong with her. He was about to go into her room and visit her when her doctor approached him. The doctor said: "These might be her last few days, so you should do whatever she asks of you, so that she may die happy." Well... Joe thought this over and decided that that was a great idea. He went in and they talked for about 3 hours. After awhile he asked her if there was anything that he could do for her. She thought for a little bit and said, "Make love to me. Eat my pussy.... Fuck me like you never have before..." He thought this was a little much in her condition, but since It might be one of the last times he sees her he decided to comply. The next day he came in, and her doctor said that she was much better, and he should do whatever he did yesterday. Well.. he walked in and they talked, and she requested they make passionate love again, and again he complied. After about 5 days of this she had fully recovered, and was able to go home. She walked into the living room to find that Joe was crying. She said, "What's the matter? I'm fine now. You have nothing to worry about." He replied, "I know, but all this time I can't stop thinking that I could have saved Mum!"

"Doc," said the husband, "I got nine kids and the wife's expecting again. How do I stop the stork?" The doctor replied, "Shoot it in the air!"

"In my case," said the student to the sex researcher, "when I get it part way in, my vision blurs. And when it's all the way in, I can't see a thing." "Now, that's a most interesting optical reaction, that may well have anatomical as well as physiological basis." the researcher replied. "If you don't mind young man, I should like to have a look at it." So, the student volunteer shrugged and stuck out his tongue.

Bob took his nymphomaniac wife to the doctor for treatment. "This is one hot potato of a lady, Doctor," he said. "Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, and I get very jealous." "We'll see," the doctor said. He directed the missus into his examining room, closed the door behind him and told her to undress. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach. The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to moan and squirm. It was too much for him to resist, and he climbed up on top of her and began to screw her. Bob heard moans and groans coming from the room. Unable to control himself, he pushed open the door, only to be confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife banging away. "Doctor, what are you doing?" he asked. The flustered doctor said, "Oh, it's you, Bob? I'm only taking your wife's temperature!" Bob opened his switchblade knife and began to wipe it on his sleeve very deliberately. "Ok Doc,....." he said, "but when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!"

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!" "Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24." "Fuck me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well."

A middle-aged woman enters her family doctor's office in a frantic state. She says, "Doctor, I think I'm turning into a horse!" The doctor, taken aback, replies, "I'm sure you may have SOME problem, but I assure you no human has ever turned into a horse." The woman became more insistent and said, "Doctor, look at my teeth. They're getting bigger and more yellow!" The doctor calmly replied, "Yes, I see. Your teeth appear a bit larger and more yellow than your last visit, but I don't think you're turning into a horse." Getting more frustrated, the woman said, "Well, I think I'm getting a mane! Look at all this hair on the back of my neck. It's grown 5 inches in ONE WEEK!" Becoming more concerned, the doctor said, "You're NOT turning into a horse. We'll just shave your neck occasionally." At this point the woman became considerably frustrated, speaking faster and louder. "Just look at my finger and toe nails! They've become very thick and big. I'm developing HOOVES!" The doctor in amazement cried, "Holy cow! I've never seen finger and toe nails THAT big!" Then the woman pulls up the back of her skirt and said, "And look at this, doctor. My backbone is protruding significantly from my butt!" The doctor looked in amazement, then started scribbling on a small piece of paper. The woman asked, "Are you writing me a prescription?" The doctor said, "No. I'm writing a memo to my brother-in-law. He works at City Hall. Take this to him and he'll give you a permit to take a shit in the street!"

The army doctor rounded all his men up to check on their intellectual faculties. Taking a small handkerchief from his pocket he says. "Smith, when I wave my handkerchief what does it make you think about??" "Oh!! Sir it makes me think of the train station. Well Smith ... why does it make you think of the train station. Because Sir ... on Sundays in the afternoon we often would go down to the train station, and when the train left the station people would wave their handkerchiefs like you do Sir. Very good Smith. Let's see you, Thomas, when I wave my handkerchief what does it make you think about?? Oh well Sir... It makes me think about the port. Why does it make you think about the port??. Sir, because when I go to the port the passengers on the outgoing ships wave at their relatives and friends that way. That's very good Thomas, let's see you Gibson, when I wave my handkerchief what does it make you think about??. Sir. It makes me think about fucking! Oh, I see, well why does it make you think about fucking?? Because Sir, the only thing I think about is fucking.

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14]

Jokes