SMS and Jokes

Doctor (Jokes)

Jill, the pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It has gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your willpower and resolve in this matter." "For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

Jeff was seeing his doctor. The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "Your wife has herpes." "Jeez! What could possibly be good news." "She didn't get it from you."

Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so.... The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts." After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?" "Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear..."

A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra. The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?" The guy says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."

A guy goes to see his GP complaining of feeling like a moth. "It's the psychologist you need to see" explained his GP, "His office is two doors up." "I know" said the guy "but your light was on".

Robert wasn't too happy with his doctor's recommendation to cure his constant fatigue. "You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he cried. "I'm a young guy. I'm in the prime of my life. How do you expect me to give up sex and go cold turkey?" "Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and taper off gradually.

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute. A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis. The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!" "Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?" "Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."

A young lad gets a job in a pharmacy. A lady comes in and asks for a box of tampons. The lad being really shy runs into the back of the shop and asks one of the female assistants to serve the lady. The female assistant returns to the lad and tells him "this is the sort of thing you will have to get used to if you want to continue working here." The next month the same lady comes into the shop and asks "can I have a box of tampons please". The young lad overcomes his shyness and serves the lady. This goes on and after a few months the lad becomes more confident. One month the lady comes in, this time she asks for a packet of cotton wool. The young lad rather surprised at this request quick replies "have you started rolling your own?"

"Doc, I can't sleep anymore," Steve complained. "I've tried everything, but I just toss and turn." "You have to learn to relax," the doctor said. "Try putting each part of your body to sleep separately." That night Steve crawled into bed, got comfortable and started to talk to his body. "Toes, go to sleep," he whispered. "Feet, go to sleep. Legs, go to sleep. Hips, go to sleep. Stomach, go to sleep" Just then his wife walked in wearing a transparent teddy. John opened one eye, then lifted his head from the pillow. "OK," he shouted, "up, up... everybody up!"

The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked. The wife shook her head, "No. Do-it-yourself," she explained, "with concrete blocks."

The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. "You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?" "That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks." "But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks." "You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"

A guy goes to see his doctor to get his test results. "Well Mr Jones, I have some good news & some bad news for you. The good news is that you have only 24hrs to live. "That's good news?" wails Jones, "What the fuck is the bad news?" The Doctor gives a sheepish grin and says, "I should have told you yesterday!!!"

Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age. The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones. But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!" The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."

Doctor: Do you remember what your husband's last words were? Wife: Oh, yes. He said, "I wonder how they can make a profit selling this red salmon at fifteen cents a can?"

The Centre for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: 1. High fever 2. Congestion 3. Nausea 4. Fatigue 5. Aching in the joints 6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.

The doctor tells his patient: "Dianne, I have some good news and some bad news." Dianne asks for the good news first. "Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared." "And the bad news?" Dianne asks. To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a natural bitch."

A friend of mine is a nurse at a Chicago hospital. One evening, when she was on emergency room duty, a young man came waddling into the room assisted by his young wife. "I want to speak to the doctor," he says. "Could you tell me what the problem is?" replied the woman behind the desk. "I want to speak to the doctor," he replies. His wife begins to snicker. Eventually the doctor comes and gets the story. The couple are newlyweds. It was her birthday. The man decided to surprise her. His plan was to insert a small birthday candle into his erect penis, light it, and walk into the room singing "Happy birthday to you." When he inserted the little candle, he coughed, and the candle was pulled out of sight. The efforts of his panic only caused the candle to go down further. The doctor had to sedate him with Valium and recruit several of the ER staff to assist in extracting the candle. As the young woman assisted her wobbly husband out to the car, the hysterical laughter from the ER could be heard for blocks.

A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby. Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after." "Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."

A man called his doctor, and said "doc", you gotta come over here quick, you see when my wife got out of the shower, and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse ran straight up her ass. The doctor said," okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside of her ass until I get over there". The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to see the man holding a big fish up to her ass instead of cheese. the doctor said, "what are you doing, I said a piece of cheese". The man said, "I did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started to come out, the cat chased it right back up there!

There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around. He wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him to look after things while he was gone. The vet asked, "Is anything happening?" The doctor replied, "Mrs. Jones is about due, but I don't think the baby will come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it This is her third and the first two went really easily." The vet said, "okay" and the doctor went on the fishing trip. When he returned, he called the vet. "How did things go while I was gone?" "Pretty good." "Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?" "Yes, it was a 8 pound boy. Everyone's doing fine." "Did you have any trouble?" "Well, there was just one little problem." "What was that?" "I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!"

Things overheard at the STD clinic The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for sexually transmitted diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments. "I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks." "My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch." "I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt." "My last period looked like meat." "My balls feel soft and mushy." "I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell you they got something unless they mad at you." "How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?" "I got the dripper." "I have food chunks in my urine." "Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched with Lysol--feelin' a little raw down there." "Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind." "I'm releasing semen when I take a crap." "I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man." "I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice." "Can't you put the swab in further?" "I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my other new baby's momma has disease." "Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked." "My cervix hurts when I jiggle." "The seam in my circumcision split open." "I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust either of them." "My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits." "From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline out of me." "I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me." "I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a 'chlamydiahoris.'" "My pee smells like ham."

One day on the psychiatric ward A nurse walks into a patient's room and sees him pretending he's driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2. The nurse asks him: "Charlie - what are you doing?" Charlie replies: "Can't talk right now, I'm driving to Melbourne!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and she asks: "Well Charlie, how was your trip?" Charlie says: "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest." That's great," replied the nurse: "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie's room, then goes across the hall into another patient's room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Startled but smiling, she asks: 'Ed - what do you think you're doing?" To which Ed replies: "Shhh, I'm shagging Charlie's wife while he's in Melbourne".

A man had been in a terrible car accident, and woke up in the hospital. Looking around, he noticed a doctor leaning over his bed. "Jesus, doc," the man exclaimed, "what the hell happened? Where am I?" The doctor replied, "You have been in a bad car accident, and you're in the hospital, but don't worry, you're going to be all right. The bad news is that we had to amputate your right arm, above the elbow." "Oh no," the man screamed. "I'd rather be dead. I can't go through life without my arm. Please doc, kill me. I can't go on like this..." "Now, son," said the doctor, "with the miracles of modern medicine today, we can give you a bionic arm. It only costs one million dollars, and it looks and works just like the real thing. Nobody will ever know it's not your own arm." "Yeah, great," the man groaned. "And where the hell am I gonna get a million bucks? I'm better off dead." "Hang on, now," said the doctor. "We've been looking for a case like yours for a while now. We just came up with a new arm. For only ten thousand dollars, you can have it. It looks just like the more expensive one, but the only difference is that this one has a small microphone built into it, and you have to TELL the arm what to do. Other than that, it works just like the other one." "Well," the guy says, "I can probably afford ten grand. Go ahead, sew it on." The next day, the guy woke up in the same bed, and saw the doctor leaning over him again. "Well, doc, how did it go? Is everything all right?" "We think that the operation was a success," replied the surgeon, "but you will have to try it out, and let us know if there are any problems with it." Later on in the day, the guy was lying in bed, practicing with his new arm. "Lift up," he commanded. The arm lifted up. "Move right." The arm moved to the right. "Move left." The arm moved to the left. Everything seemed to be working without a hitch, and he was really pleased. All of a sudden, he had the urge to go to the bathroom. He hopped out of bed, and proceeded into the restroom. "Arm, reach down and undo my zipper." The arm obeyed. "Take out my wang." The arm obeyed flawlessly. The guy took a leak, and when he was done, he commanded, "Shake it." The arm gave it a little shake. "No, shake it harder!" The arm gave it a good shake. "Hey," said the guy, "that feels pretty good... jerk it off."

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and legged it. The next evening, the man was at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate-chopped him before running away. The third evening, the man was at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off once more. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thought for a moment and said: "Yes, I'd heard there's a really nasty bug going around..."

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones. "Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine." "Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?" Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails. The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her faeces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly." Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

I've been feeling down for so long that I finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. I went there, laid on the couch, spilled my guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make me feel better. The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Ummmmm, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It's very common among losers."

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled past. The woman looked at the doctor, smiled, and said in a sexy voice: "Hi there handsome, how ya doing?" before wiggling her backside and walking off. "Who was that?" demanded the doctor's wife. "Oh, just a woman I met professionally," replied the doctor. "Oh, yeah!" snarled his wife, "In whose. profession? yours or hers"!

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I can put you right." After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears." "Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's." "You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"

One of the hospital room-mates I happened to have while recently recovering from heart surgery was this poor strapping young farm boy from the boonies who mangled his penis in an a motor cycle accident. - It was apparent from all the young farm fresh young lovelies that visited the room that he was quite popular, Well I later learned that one of the reasons for all the attention he was getting, was it seems, he and all the male members of his family were exceptionally well endowed, - I really felt sorry for the poor guy till I heard from one of the interested floor nurses that each of his male relatives had volunteered to donate one inch each in an attempt to relieve his and no doubt his anxious harem's misery. - About a week after the operation, returning to the room after a trip down to X-ray, I seen the nurse in question hurriedly leave our room and found the young man sitting upon his bed, crying. - I asked if there was a problem with his surgeon's handiwork and he tearfully answered, "It's almost perfect, but why in hell did the doc have to go and put my Grandpa's inch in the middle?"

A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up. The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up. So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?" The girl replied, " ... uh ... not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it." "Okay ... let's try your armpit," the doctor suggested. "Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried. "Okay then," so he put the thing in the girl's butt. Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "That's not my butt, Doc!" The Doc replied, "Well, that's not my thermometer, either."

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