SMS and Jokes

Doctor (Jokes)

Quasimodo goes to a doctor for an annual checkup. "I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says. "What makes you think that?" asks Quasimodo. "I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."

A cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his find. He did a couple more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his find than to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine. One day, after he'd been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, "You know.... This is completely unfair." "What do you mean?" asks the surgeon. "Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and that's more than I get paid in a year," replies the driver. The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture. "That's not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart," says the driver. "Well if that's the case, I'll tell you what. You do this lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right." replies the surgeon. The driver replies, "Ok. You're on." So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the driver's hat and sits in the back of the room. The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks he's done, an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not able to answer. "You know..." says the driver, "I have done this lecture 287 times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it!"

A fellow walked into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis. "I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you." said the doctor. Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied and returned the next day with a banana and a cookie. The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit." Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. The doctor peeled the banana and with one deft motion rammed it up the guy's ass. While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor. "Okay, one minute is up and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if you truly want to get rid of this tapeworm." advised the doctor. Despite the pain, the patient did want to be cured and so complied with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor took the cookie and rammed IT up the patient's ass. "Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie." said the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head. The next day, the same routine ensued. First the doctor rammed up a banana, waited exactly one minute, then rammed up the cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next. Every day up went a banana, waited one minute, then up went the cookie. After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said, "Well, tomorrow is the last day of treatment. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer." "Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like. "Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor. On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine". So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the banana, and the doctor looked at his watch and picked up the hammer. One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed. Finally, a little head poked out of the patient's ass. "WHERE'S MY COOKIE?!" WHAM

A man goes to the doctor and says: Doc, you have to help me. Sometimes I wake up and feel like Mickey Mouse, sometimes I wake up and feel Goofy. The doc asks: How long have you had these Disney spells?

This little, tiny guy walks into his doctor's office screaming, "Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!!" The doctor says, "I have to deal with this other patient first and then I'll get to you." The little guy screams, "But doctor!! I'm SHRINKING!!" Exasperated, the doctor says, "Well I'm sorry, you'll just have to be a little patient!"

A couple was having trouble conceiving a child, so they went to a doctor. He examined them, and concluded that the problem was one of insufficient penetration. He suggested to the man that they try the rear-entry position. The man said, "What is that?" The doctor replied, "Just watch the dogs and do like they do." The man said, "My wife is very shy and she won't do that." The doctor replied, "Try giving her a cocktail or two and she will lose all inhibition." Some while later, the doctor met the man, pushing a baby carriage. "I see it worked!" the doctor said. "Yes it did Doc, but now the problem is ... my wife is an alcoholic!" "How did that happen?" the doctor asked. "Well, every time we did it ... it took seven or eight drinks just to get her out into the front yard!"

Actual writings on hospital charts: 1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused autopsy. 9. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. She is numb from her toes down. 14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 15. The skin was moist and dry. 16. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 17. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. 25. Skin: somewhat pale but present. 26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree. 28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a chic gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which he was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'" The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

A lady with a prize-winning schnauzer feared that the dog was going deaf. It wouldn't come when called, heel as he had been trained to do nor obey any other voice commands. So she took her dog to the vet. The vet examined the dog thoroughly and announced that there was nothing wrong except the dog had excessive hair growing in its ears which was the cause of his diminished hearing. "He can't hear you, but he is not deaf. You must treat him with a depilatory. I haven't any in stock, but just get some 'Neet' or 'Nair' at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the doggie brand." So the lady went to the nearest pharmacy, located a small bottle of 'Nair' and looked over the instructions. But there was nothing in there pertinent to her dog. So she took it to the pharmacist and asked his advice. "How do I apply this product?", she inquired. "Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?" The man replied, "For your legs, put it on straight, right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I recommend you dilute it 50-50 with water." She blushed, "I don't think you understand, it's for my schnauzer." "Oh, yes" replied the pharmacist, peering at her over his spectacles. "In that case, I suggest you dilute it 3 to 1 with water - oh, and by the way, I wouldn't ride a bicycle for a few days."

More Actual Notes on Hospital Charts The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. She slipped on the ice and her legs went in separate directions in early December. The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room. Since she can't pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

While doing a vasectomy, Doctor Kildeer slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" Doctor Kildeer asked. "Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's obvious relief. But then the patient added, "I've had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems." "What's that?" Doctor Kildeer asked anxiously. "Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water." "Hmm," said the doctor, thoughtfully. "That's not all," continued the patient. "When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn." "Hmm," said the doctor, as his face reddened. "It gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on!"

You get to meet new people every day!

A guy goes into a bar and meets a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wind up at his place in bed. They're having a great time. She is on top, when suddenly she has an epileptic seizure and starts shaking uncontrollably. The guy thinks this is incredible; the best sex he's ever had. When he is finished, she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He begins to get nervous and takes her to the emergency room. A nurse asks him what the problem is and he replies, "I think her orgasm is stuck

The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. After a couple of days, Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like." Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife. "Doris, you'll never believe it! I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before - wild, passionate sex! You'll love it!" Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was okay, maybe I would have such sex with you." Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office. His doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: 'Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.' Now, I'll just address this. By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?" "Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern'?"

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, " Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on," said the first surgeon. "You open them up and everything inside is numbered." "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on," said the second. "You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." "I like to operate on electricians," said the third. "You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." "I like to operate on lawyers," said the fourth. "They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable." "I like engineers," said the fifth. "They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice. "Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?" "Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?" There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone" "Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?" "Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

How can you tell which is the head nurse? The one with the dirty knees.

Two men both have 9:00 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic. A nurse greets the two men, tells them she has to prep them for surgery and takes them to a private room. She asks the first man to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table, which he does. She then takes his manhood in one hand, and begins to masturbate him. "Whoa!" he says, "What's going on here?" She replies that it is all standard procedure to ensure that he has no blockages. The man says to himself, "How bad can it be?" So he allows the nurse to finish her task. Once done, the nurse tells him to sit down, and repeats the instructions to the second man. When he is up on the exam table, the nurse gets a big smile on her face, licks her lips, and begins to perform fellatio on him. Upon seeing this, the first man interrupts, "Hey, what's this? I get a wank, and he gets a blow job. That's not fair." The nurse looks up at the first man and says, "Sorry, but that's the difference between the NHS and Bupa!"

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one into four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore. I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes."

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety aside, she decided that she would just marry her man and let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do. The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen. "What can I help you with?" he asked. She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?" "Well," he answered, "that there is called a penis." "I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?" The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called the head of the penis." "I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12" - to - 14" behind the head of the penis?" He paused and said "I'm not sure about your husband, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass!"

A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green, Green Grass of Home'." "Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, it's not unusual."

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." "Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?" "Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, oversexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband. But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together. At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical. After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years." She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion". "OK" he says, "you're fucking ugly as well!"

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep. After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend. The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?" "Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked. The aged Gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath.... Doctor, I'm scared!" The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?" The old gent's response was: "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs they run out of gear. One of the men stands up and says 'Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality spliffs. Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some Cumin, Turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff. On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes go by and he is still out cold, so the others decide to take him to hospital. On arrival the nurses immediately take him to intensive care. A doctor returns to the friends and asks 'So what have you been doing then? Smoking cannabis?' 'Well sort of', replies one of the guys, 'But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff.' 'Ahh' replies the doctor, 'And what did you put in it?' 'Oh, just a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.' The doctor sighs. 'Well that explains it.' 'Why, what's wrong with our friend?' asks one of the men. 'He's in a korma' replies the doctor.

Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder.

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Jokes