SMS and Jokes

Doctor (Jokes)

When his son refused to get a job, his father insisted he join the Army. At the induction physical, the Army doctor directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye chart across the room. "What chart?" the young man asked. "The one on the wall!" the doctor said. "What wall?" Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, the doctor asked his beautiful nurse to walk in Naked. "What do you see now?" "Nothing." "Well, you may not see anything," the doctor said," but your indicator is pointing toward Ft. Leonardwood!. Welcome to the Army son."

Murphy was a very famous microsurgeon who worked in a hospital way up in the wilds. Nearby the hospital, there was a factory and in the factory, there was this incredible machine. Now, the worker of the machine had to put his hand inside the machine many times a day to retrieve the parts after they were processed and, as there was a kind of blade that came round, the worker had to time it correctly so as the blade did not interfere with his hand as he was reaching into the machine. One day, anyway, he was feeling a bit under the weather and as he reached into the machine to retrieve the part, he was too slow getting his hand out of the way, the blade came 'round and off went his hand! So, a few of his colleagues ran over and said, "Never mind, Tim! You'll be all right!" And, with that, they quickly put his severed hand into a plastic bag with ice and took him up to the hospital, saying, "There's genius of a surgeon who's just started to work at the hospital and his name is Murphy." T hey rushed Tim into the operating theatre and, after a six-hour operation; he woke up the next morning in a hospital bed. He was afraid to look, but eventually opened one eye and he spotted his hand back in its normal place. Amazed, he moved one finger, then he moved another finger, then another, another and another . . . then another (he had six fingers on the one hand; very unusual hand). He was back to normal and two days later he was down the pub playing accordion as if he'd never had his hand chopped off. Now, back at the factory, some of his colleagues were very curious about this machine and came over a few days later to have a closer look at it. One lad, completely overcome with curiosity, stood up on the edge of it and lost concentration for a moment and his leg slipped. Around came the blade and chopped off his foot! His friends were very quick to react: "Never mind, Brian! Hurry up lads, take him off to the hospital; he'll be all right!" And, with that, they quickly put his severed foot into a plastic bag with ice and took him up to the hospital, saying, "Don't worry, Murphy the miraculous microsurgeon will save yer foot." They rushed Brian into the operating theatre and, after an eleven-hour operation, he was out playing football the following weekend. At this point in time, Murphy's reputation had gone completely through the roof and he was hailed as the most incredible micro surgeon since microsurgery began. On the following Monday, a few more of the factory workers who were curious about the machine came over to have a look at it and one guy was trying to figure it out and stuck his head in. . . and the blade came 'round and chopped his head off! "Never mind, Mick! Quick, hurry up lads, take him off to the hospital; he'll be all right!" And, with that, they quickly put his severed head into a plastic bag with ice and took him up to the hospital, saying, "Don't worry, Murphy the miraculous micro surgeon will save you." They rushed Mick into the operating theatre and Murphy operated on him for twenty-four-hours straight. All the factory workers were waiting outside when Murphy the microsurgeon appeared at the door and the workers began to shout, "Hey, is he talkin' yet?" " Can he sing a song?" "Is he all right?" Murphy looked at them and said, "He's dead." Shock and disbelief! "But, but, what about Murphy's miraculous microsurgery?" "Oh", said Murphy, "That worked 100%, but you guys smothered him with the plastic bag."

The doctor approached the husband who was in the waiting room while his wife was being examined. The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "Your wife has syphilis." The husband exclaimed, "What could possibly be 'good news' with a situation like that?" The doctor replied, "She didn't get it from you."

Sherry goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger....."

The girl called a sex therapist and said, "Remember when you told me the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Well, last night I found a new route... Now I need some birth control pills." The doc asked, "What's his occupation?" The girl said, "Army." "Active or retired?" "If he wasn't active, I wouldn't need these damn pills, would I?!"

Patient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people." Doctor: "Tell me about your problem." Patient: "I just did, you friggin' twat!"

EPT (early pregnancy test) Blue means not pregnant. Pink means pregnant. Brown means you had it in the wrong hole.

The Queen of England was visiting a hospital and she stopped by one of the beds to speak to the man lying there. "What is wrong with you, sir?" she asked the man. "I got a wart on my balls," he replies, much to the astonishment of the nurses. One of the nurses immediately rushes over to him. "You can't say that to the queen!" the nurse shouts. "Well what should I have said then?" replies the man. "Something like you have a bruise on your back, or a cut on your arm, or a graze on your knee. Anything but 'I have a wart on my balls'!" answers the nurse. Two months later, Princess Anne is visiting the same hospital, and just happens to pass the same bed, with the same man in it. "What is wrong with you, sir?" asks the princess. "Um, I have a bruise on my back," replies the man. "Oh," the princess answers, "I'm so glad to hear that your balls are better... I'll tell the queen."

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from your recreational area...... I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker. Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive ERECTION she had ever seen. Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself. She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behaviour. "What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?" "Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you." And so the first nurse left. The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it. Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too! Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!" "Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."

The following extracts come in response to an advert in a South African woman's magazine called Femina. All of the extracts are from people who's first (or even second) language is NOT English! and who live, to put it politely, a very rural existence. Back in 1985, SA Femina Magazine ran an advertisement for Nelex, a medicine for the treatment of a vaginal infection known as vaginitis. The ad prompted hundreds of letters from sufferers countrywide, most of them from black women who were clearly unsure as to what exactly was wrong with them. The letters were collected by Win Kuppers, boss of the advertising agency that created the Femina ad who swears that every single one of them is genuine, no spelling or grammar has been changed. Herewith extracts from some of the most hilarious ...... 1. My interesting language is English, so you better send me an English copy of your vaginitis...... 2. Please send me the following symptoms : itching, discharge, unpleasant smell..... 3. I am one of those with a virginal problem..... I will be very grateful if my disease were acceptable........ 4. Dear Sirs, greetings as patient to you, but I have not got enough time to express my sickness over this paper. I want to come by myself to confess my sickness to you after I use this Nelex....... 5. The trouble is my vaginitis and that I'm so ugly..... 6. How can I get vaginal infection? Most chemists cannot help..... 7. Is vaginitis normal, or does it occur by mistakes like having sex.... 8. My husband is not happy with the behaviour of my vagina at bed time.... 9. Please send me more information about these vaginal erections.... 10. My symptoms are some of the ones you didn't mention, so please send me another medicine... 11. Every boyfriend left me and made another girl pregnant, so maybe you can help me.... 12. With modern life of anonymous infection, I have found your vaginal infection very handy and unavoidable... 13. I tried Dettol, Omo (washing powder) and also pure brandy. All in vain..... 14. My problem is itching, burning pain after intercourse when the weather is cold or foggy... 15. I am a young lady of 1963. Will you please send me more news about my virginia pains during intercourse, even when I'm not having intercourse at all.... 16. I use to have sex eight to ten times a day. Now I am very dry. I went to the hospital and thay told me I have too much sex. Maybe I should move to Durban for the humidity..... 17. I am a girl of 21 years of edge. Can you help me with virginial infractions.. 18. Last night the virginial infections suddenly attacked me. What do you want me to do... 19. Please send me Nelex. I am so sick I will even pay for it.... 20. My virginia is wide open, but I only slept with my husband alone, but he says I am a bitch I slept with many men. Can you close my virginia for me.... 21. I really want a baby, but I don't want to be pregnant.... 22. The first time I noticed vaginal infection was in your advert..... 23. My vargin is beginning to irritate me. I scream at it sometimes but it doesn't help.... 24. Sometimes my anus produces an unpleasant smell..... 25. Please send my letter back so I can remember what I have written...... 26. Please advertise more so that I can remember that I have an infection..... 27. I stopped to have sexual intercourse with my husband, but he hasn't stopped with me..... 28. My problem is I feel itching even when my husband romances me with his erection... 29. I never told anyone about my symptoms, now I see them publicly advertised..... 30. I am 42 years old, but the infections started when I was much older.... 31. .... and please reply as soon as it is convenient for me. 32. I have pain during sex, and also during intercourse.... 33. My virgin is badly leaking. Does Nelex work like a cork..... 34. When I was 13 I spray my vagina with Airoma room-freshener. Now I am 18 and I need your help..... 35. Please send any good and large information to my suffering vagina..... 36. According to symptoms advertised, I have discovered four of them in my Promised One. She urges me so help me to help her. 37. My new address is (address supplied).. ........ but please send your reply to my old address 38. Can I get vaginal infection without prescription...... 39. Nelex the effective treatment, is it also effective in Zimbabwe.... 40. My husband does not know where I live, so we never have sex..... 41. I have never had sex, but I have this virginity problem....... 42. The bath water must have infected me, although I swear nobody bathed after me in the same water..... 43. I have reorganised my virginia recently ....... 44. It is easy to know when I have vaginitis, but how do I know when I do not have vaginitis..... 45. How are you at that side of Randburg? I hail to you with my wife's vaginal infection from Zimbabwe..... 46. .... but I know that some people order the thing without knowing them of seeing in other words they order them for nothing without using them..... 47. I am 20 years old and will be 21 sooner than expected........ 48. I cannot tell my mother about it; she has no vagina..... 49. The last time I looked for my vaginitis, I could not find it anywhere.... 50. My vagina was discharged recently.......... 51. My vagina is deceased...... 52. I am a doll of 19 and I want to introduce my itchy vagina to you.... 53. I hope you are in a favourable condition for my vaginitis...... 54. I have this virginity disease. I hope my letter arrives at tea time so you can study it better..... 55. I don't know if the smell really comes from my vagina. My nose cannot reach it properly...... 56. .... but I promise, my body also has some healthy parts..... 57. How are you sir? I am very well, but I am also a very sick girl..... 58. Thank you for telling us how to avoid burning and itching virgins...... 59. I live very far away, and therefore wander if my letter will reach you.... 60. I am not an ignorant girl, but how can I be sure...... 61. Please rescue my vaginal cavity from attack, Sir , and send me this infection quickly... 62. This Nelex it can help me. I will call my first son Nelex...... 63. Also my eyes and kids are very itchy. I better stop looking at them.... 64. I air my vagina three times a day, much to my husband's regret.... 65. At today's price of water, I'd rather use Nelex.... 66. I have five of the four symptoms you mentioned..... 67. You will find the vaginal infections at the above address.... 68. Please send me everything. The Nelex, the vaginal infections, the vaginitis, the reliable relief from symptoms.....

any problem signs. He once again says to her, "Say 99." This time Kitty replies, "One, two three, four ........"

Q: Why do doctors and nurses really wear masks during an operation? A: If somebody fucks up, nobody will know who it was.

Jon, Brian, and Amanpreet were all locked away in a mental institution for many many years. (Where they belonged, mind you.) One day, the head quack tells them that if they pass a test he wanted to administer to them, they'd be deemed mentally competent and free to leave the nut house. Should they fail, however, they'd be locked away for another five years of observation. All three took the doc up on his offer. The four of them went to the hospital's indoor pool. The pool was drained of water. The doctor leads the patients up to the diving platform, some 60 feet in the air. The doctor motions to Jon. "Jump." Without hesitation, Jon leaps off the platform, right into the pool, breaking both arms in the process. The doctor notes this on his clipboard and tells Brian, "Jump." Also without hesitation, Brian flies off the platform into the empty poll, breaking both of his legs. After noting the results on his clipboard, the doctor tells Lizard Pecker, "Jump." Amanpreet shakes his head. "Naw. I don't think so." The doctor notes this on his clipboard rather enthusiastically and says, "Congratulations, 'Preet. You're a free man. Just tell me one thing. Why didn't you jump?" "Easy," Amanpreet says, "I can't swim, Asshole ."

Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Aldiss was surprised when the attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off his clothes. "And just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded. "Sorry," said the young man, "but we're all out of the bottled stuff. I've got to give you draft."

"My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week." "Why is that?" "I'm playing around with his wife."

The shapely woman was in the gynaecological stirrups, and her doctor was in the middle of his examination when he suddenly stopped and said brusquely, "Look, madam, I'm a happily married man ... so would you please stop squeezing my hand?"

"How did the accident happen?" asked the doctor. "Well," explained the patient, "I was making love to my girlfriend on the living room rug when, all of a sudden, the chandelier came crashing down on us." "Fortunately, you've only sustained some minor lacerations on your buttocks," the doctor said. "You're a very lucky man." "You said it, doc," the man replied. "A minute sooner and it would have fractured my skull."

A guy calls his wife from the emergency room. He tells her that his finger got cut off at the construction site where he works. "Oh my God!!" cries the woman. "The whole finger?" "No," replies the guy. "The one next to it!"

The hunched-back man decides very reluctantly, that he should go see a doctor after a few too many people have started to comment on his back. DOCTOR: I need for you to get undressed, sir. (Hunchback removes jacket and then stops) HUNCHBACK: I really don't like getting undressed, doctor. DOCTOR: If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed. (Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his t-shirt on) HUNCHBACK: I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at me. DOCTOR: Do you want me to examine your back or not? (Very reluctantly, the hunchback removes his t-shirt) DOCTOR: Ah... just how long is it since you were in school? HUNCHBACK: Gosh, over 20 years, doctor. Why? DOCTOR: Did you ever wonder all those years what happened to your backpack?

A bloke and his wife went to a family planning clinic. "We've been married for ten years and we've got no kids", said the husband. "And the next-door neighbours say it's because we're stupid." "Nonsense," smiled the doctor. "It's probably to do with your diet. Or it might be a question of timing. How many times a week do you do it?" "Do what?" asked the wife.

A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up. The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up. So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?" The girl replied, "... uh ... not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it." "Okay... let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested. "Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried. "Okay then," so he put the thing in the girls butt. Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!" The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."

Paul and I were talking one day when Paul says, "I went to see the doctor the other day for that pain in my back." "So what happened?" I asked. "Well, he ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills and sent me home. Told me to stay in bed for a week. He also told me to sit down whenever I had to pee. Can you imagine that? A grown man having to sit to pee?" "Why would he want you to sit to pee?" I asked "Well", said Paul, "With my bad back, he doesn't want me picking up anything too big."

Margaret went to her new gynaecologist for her first exam. The doctor got her in the stirrups and spread her legs. Then the doctor said, "Oh My God!!! In my all of my career, I have never seen such a huge vagina!! ... huge vagina!!" She said, "Doctor, I know it and I'm very self-conscious about it. But you didn't have to repeat yourself." The doctor replied, "I didn't. It was an echo!"

The doctor took Gail into the room and said, "Gail, I have some good news and some bad news." Gail said, "Give me the good news." "They're going to name the disease after you."

Doctor: "Madame, I'd like to give you a thorough examination. Please take off all your clothes." Patient: "But doctor, I only stopped by for the blood test results. Dr. Johnson found me in perfect condition just yesterday." Doctor: "So he told me... so he told me."

A girl walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and said, "I, need, to see the upturn, please." "I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty. "Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination." "Don't you mean 'examination,'" the nurse questioned her again. "Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway." "I'm sure you mean the maternity ward." To which the girl replied "Upturn, intern, contamination, examination fraternity, maternity.... What's the difference? All I know is I, haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant."

The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it: The nurses hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform! "MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!" "Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, "It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through using it!"

The anatomy lesson for the week was the way in which the body of a handicapped person compensates for its deficiency. As an example, the professor showed a slide of a man with no legs whose arms and shoulders had consequently become hugely muscled. "Your assignment," he instructed a pretty medical student, "is to find someone who has compensated for a physical handicap and to report on it for the class." After class the student went into the bar next door, and what should she catch sight of but a hunchback nursing a beer at the bar. Screwing up her courage, she went over and told him about her assignment. "If you don't mind my asking," she said sweetly, "is there some part of your anatomy which has compensated for your handicap?" "As a matter of fact there is," said the hunchback. "Come up to my place and I'll show you." When they got upstairs, he dropped his pants and revealed the biggest cock she had ever seen. Kneeling down, she couldn't resist touching it, then caressing it, then rubbing it against her face. "For God's sake, don't blow it!" screamed the hunchback, jumping back. "That's how I got the hump on my back."

A man is coming around from surgery when a recovery nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four letter word the doctor used in surgery." he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!"

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