SMS and Jokes

Doctor (Jokes)

An 80 year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked: "To what do you attribute your good health?" The old timer said: "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." The doctor said: "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?" The old timer said: "Who said my Dad's dead?" The doctor said: "You mean you're 80 years old and your father is still alive? How old is he?" The old timer said: "He's 100 years old and in fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive. He's a golfer." The doctor said: "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?" The old timer said: "Who said my Grandpa's dead?" The doctor said: "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! How old is he?" The old timer said: "He's 118 years old." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said: "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" The old timer said: "No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married." The doctor said in amazement: "Got married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?" The old timer said: "Who said he wanted to...?"

The late actor, Sir Ralph Richardson was acting in a play when, in mid-scene on stage, suddenly turned to the audience and uttered the immortal words, "Is there a doctor in the house?" A man stood up and said, "Yes, Sir Ralph. I'm a doctor, what's the matter?" "Doctor," said Sir Ralph, "Isn't this play awful?"

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad." "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say "Moo!"

A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up. The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up. So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?" The girl replied, "... uh ... not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it." "Okay... let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested. "Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried. "Okay then," so he put the thing in the girl's butt. Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!" The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his workshop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage: "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. He straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked: "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic..."Try doing it with the engine running!"

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think." One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong." Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong." So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?" And the old man said: "I thought It was a fart........... but I was wrong."

A guy goes to see a doctor and after a series of tests the doctor comes in and says, "I've got some good news and some bad news." "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately, you've only got 3 months to live." The patient is shocked, "Oh my god! Well what's the good news then, doctor?" The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?" The patient says, "Yes." The doctor smiles and replies, "I'm banging her!"

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly: "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

One hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband, the complainer said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El Take-O. The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which is located next door to the Vet. The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor. The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God knows who the father is"

A patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release. When asked what he would do if released, he replied, "I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in this place." Obviously, his release was denied. Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question. His reply was the same. "I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in this place" Again, he was turned down. Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him. The patient said, "You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions." So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready. So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready. He said, "I am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down." "Good," they said, and then what?" He said, "I want to meet a nice girl and start dating." They agreed he was making real progress and asked, "And then what?" "One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the bed." "Yes?", the board said excitedly. "Then I am going to gently remove her panties," he continued. The board members were really getting excited now and asked, "Then what are you going to do?" He said, "I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!

A woman walks into the doctors office with a huge boil on her arse. The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core. He says this is too big a job for me so he sends her to Gus the pus sucker. The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging red, inflamed boil festering with pus and says "this is no problem" and he proceeds to press his lips to her arse and sucks out the pus and core of the boil. Halfway through, the woman drops a mammoth fart. Gus stops what he's doing, looks up and says "You know lady, its people like you that make this job fucking disgusting.

Bob visited his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And Bob did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor. "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the Bob. "What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor. "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass."

The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone call. It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten himself into quite a fix. "See, he was kissing his girlfriend, and when my wife and I came back from the movies we found them stuck together." "I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman," said the dentist calmly, "and don't worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time." Mr. Tuckerman whispered, "Yes, but from an IUD?"

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm !" "Oh no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm
" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours." "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.

The doctor knocked at the hospital door before entering Jill's room. Jill called out to come in. The doctor then proceeded to tell Jill to remove all of her clothing after which he gave her a thorough, from top to bottom, front to back, leaving no part of her body untouched. When he had finished, Jill looked the doctor straight in the eye and asked, "Doctor, can I ask you a question?" "Of course," he replied. Jill asks, "Why did you bother to knock?"

room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face. A woman in the waiting room says to Hetty, "It's unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in bent in half and now you walk out erect. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell me, what did Doctor Simon do to you?" "Miracle, shmiracle," says Hetty, "he just gave me a longer walking stick."

"Y'all got any American razor blades in here
" the Texan asked the London pharmacist. "All I see are these damn Wilkinsons." "Sir," the Englishman patiently replied, "Wilkinson has been producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since before Waterloo." "I don't give a damn if they passed them out on Noah's Ark if they ain't any good," the Texan retorted. "I can assure you they are very good sir." the peeved druggist said. "Why just last year, my wife swallowed one. It gave her a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the gardener, emasculated a neighbour, cut two of a delivery boy's fingers off at the knuckle -- and I still got 10 shaves out of it."

A cattle rancher lived very far from town, his wife was pregnant and about due. He went to see the doctor because he wouldn't be able to get his wife to the doctor in time for the birth of his first baby. The doctor told him, "Hank there's nothing to worry about. You've delivered calf's from a cow before haven't you?" Hank says, "Yes" The doctor says, "Well it's the same thing involved when a woman gives birth to a baby." Hank leaves much less worried. A few weeks later Hank stops by the doctor's office and tells the doc. "I'm the proud father of a 9-pound boy." He smiles. The doc asks, "Did everything go OK?" Hank answers, "Yeah, just one thing, I almost had to beat the shit out of her to make her eat the afterbirth

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this." Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get." The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bar- tender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being. Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine. "I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He spluttered. "On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me the world of good." "But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed. "Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me any- more!"

A college graduate was suffering from constipation, his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the he complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results. "Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked. He says, "What do you think I've been doing, shoving them up my ass?"

Saw a commercial for Cialis. The end of their commercials always have some "warnings" about using it. One of their warnings stated something like 'erections lasting more than 4 hours may need immediate medical attention'. I can see this guy going to an emergency room and saying "I've got a hard on that won't go away!" "Well sir, would you like to see a doctor?" "No, maybe a nurse or two."

A guest lecturer to the Medical College stopped by the bulletin board. Listed for the day was the topic, " Surprises in Obstetrics". Scrawled under it in pencil were the words, " Mary had a little lamb."

In a Chicago hospital, an elderly gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. 'Sir, she said:' you may use the ladies' room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.' He did what he needed to and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each grey button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP and there was also a red one marked ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. So he pushed WW and warm water was sprayed gently across his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought, men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water and gently dried his undercarriage. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable delight. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its task, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he just knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew as he opened his eyes, he was back in bed with another nurse staring down at him. 'What happened?' he exclaimed: 'the last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button...' She snapped: 'The ATR button operates an automatic tampon remover. Your penis is under your pillow!'

A nun goes to a doctor because she thinks she had crabs. She says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think I have crabs, but I don't understand how I got them because I've never had sex before!" So the doctor says, "Well, lets take a look." So the nun pulls down her pants, pulls down her underwear, and fruit flies come flying out of her vagina. The doctor says, "Sister, you don't have crabs. Those are fruit flies,... your cherry's rotten!"

with wild boys and sex she was about as far from being mistaken for a virgin as one could get. But seeing she was determined to go forward with the pursuit of her goal, I suggested she visited a doc I knew to see about the possibility of reconstructing her hymen and hide or mask any hints of her previous sexual activities. The doctor told her that it would cost around $500, but there was another quicker way that would cost only $50 and with the addition of some hysterical theatrics on her part, he thought she could no doubt accomplish the same ruse. So my friend opted to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes and then informed her she was ready for launch or "hot to trot !" After the wedding "first night", the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, the screams, everything was there. Then she asked him how he did it. He looked at her, smiled devilishly and said, "I tied your pubic hair together,"

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me." "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor. "Do you drink much?" "Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaller. Never touch a drop." "How about smoking?" asked the doctor. "Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it." "Well, uh," asked the doctor, "do you have much of a sex life?" "Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night... always have been." The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?" "Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head." "OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight."

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. "Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours." she replied. "Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?" "Well," the doctor answered, "Haemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?" After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."

The night before my bypass surgery, the doctor wanted me to take a shower; which was fine with me, after three days of using a basin and washcloth. As I walked down the hall, I had a Nurse on either side. The one asked, "Are you going to me able to manage OK?" I said, "I feel weak and dizzy. Perhaps both of you would be kind enough to get in the shower with me." The little blonde Nurse looked up and said, "Nice try."

"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?" "I used two fingers." "What for?" "I needed a second opinion."

A distraught young man made an appointment with a psychiatrist, " I was out of town on business," he told the doctor, " and I wired my wife that I would be coming home on Tuesday, instead of Wednesday. When I got home I went straight home as fast as I could, and when I got there I found her in bed with my best friend". The man then broke down into uncontrollable tears. The doctor considered the problem for a couple of moments, then shrugged and said," maybe she never got the telegram."

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