SMS and Jokes

Doctor (Jokes)

Sadie goes to see her psychiatrist, doctor Myers, to get help on an issue concerning her sexual relationship with her husband Abe. Doctor Myers explains, "OK, but I can only help you if you are open and honest with me. Is that agreed?" "Yes," says Sadie. But after just 15 minutes, doctor Myers has to tell her, "We're getting nowhere, Sadie. You're too secretive. I'll try just once more - please reply quickly to the questions I'm going to ask you or I won't be able to help." "OK." says Sadie. "Have you ever looked directly into Abe's face while you were making love?" asks doctor Myers. "Yes," replies Sadie. "We're making progress at last," says doctor Myers, "So tell me, Sadie, when you looked directly into Abe's face while you were making love, did you see any emotion there?" "Yes," replies Sadie, "I saw great anger on his face." "Excellent," continues doctor Myers, "we're nearly there. So when you looked directly into Abe's while you were making love and saw great anger, could you please explain to me exactly what Abe was doing at the time?" Sadie replies, "He was up a ladder looking at me through the bedroom window."

EXERCISES TO PREPARE FOR YOUR HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE 1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe you with his applicator. 2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage Interior Flat White No.2. Then have your child stuff his slinky down your throat. 3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose. 4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile and repeating: "mild discomfort." 5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a Craftsman (squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle. 6. Remove all actual food from the house. 7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall. 8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.

How to avoid the flu Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can. OR . You can take the doctors office approach. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So...... I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can't get you!!!!

A young, married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. But, there's still no result and another month later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby. Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after." "Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."

"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynaecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient. "Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked. "Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"

The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him." she said "And he's right too. I have no desire at all." The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. "Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now." "That's wonderful." said the doctor, "What does you husband say now?" "How should I know
" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."

During her annual checkup, a well-built lady was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "That's all right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You get undressed and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with my clothes?" "Your clothes?" answered the doctor. "Put them over here, on top of mine!"

Jonathan goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh." The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient." "OK then" says Jonathan, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes, "I'm so sorry," he says to Jonathan, "I don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" Jonathan looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."

Lynn fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic after hours. But one day he said sadly, "Lynn, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband Bill is bound to get suspicious." "No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been screwing for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing." "True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

The doctor tells his patient: "Mandy, I have some good news and some bad news." She asks for the good news first. "Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared." "And the bad news?" Mandy asks. To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a natural bitch."

"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds. "I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time...."

A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens. The old doctor even quoted a very affordable price. "This looks great," said the young doctor. "I just can't figure out how you're able to have such a nice set up with so few people to practice on. "It's just simple, common sense and a strong work ethic," replied the older medico. "For example, most folks around here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year. My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening and putting things in order. Our herb garden gives us a huge harvest because of that, so we mix the herbs and boil them up for my secret tonic." "But that doesn't explain this fine house and all this land," said the younger man. The elder doc replied, "That's where going that extra bit pays off. I run into my patients at church, at the store, whatever, right after they get back from their vacations. I tell them they don't look too good, and they usually say that their vacation took a lot out of them." He continued, "I'll agree with them, then invite them to stop around to my office for some of my old fashioned tonic, and at ten bucks a bottle, it can add up really fast! Of course, that's just the beginning. A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment on how much better they're looking, so that they feel like the tonic is working." "Then I have them stop by the office for a complete physical exam, just to make sure everything is alright. I also tell them to bring in a specimen, and this way I get my bottles back!"

Bob walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" To which the Bob replies, "Make it 100 then..."

The dentist was striving to extract a tooth, but every time he got ready to proceed, the patient clamped his jaws. At last, he took his assistant aside and told her at the very moment he poised the forceps, to give the patient's balls a vicious pinch. The pinch was administered, the nervous patient's mouth flew open, and the tooth was easily removed. "Didn't hurt, did it?" asked the dentist. "Not too much," replied the patient, "but who would have thought the root went that deep....?!"

A Jewish man in New York breaks his dentures. He searches around for a dental technician who will make a replacement at a reasonable price. The first quotes $300, the next $400 and the third $500, all much too expensive for him. Then his wife, hearing of these prices says, "Well, Hymie, why don't you speak to my nephew, Solly - he's just qualified as a dentist and I'm sure he'll give you a good deal." Hymie says, "Oy Vay . Solly is a schmuck - he's no experience and I wouldn't like to wear dentures he'd made." However, after some nagging by his wife, he goes to see Solly who says that he could make a set of dentures for $100, and he finally agrees to have the set made. After a few weeks, Solly comes up with the dentures but they don't fit too well. Hymie takes them back a few times and Solly puts on a bit of material here and grinds off some there but they still don't fit. Then, for about three weeks, Solly does not see Hymie. By chance they meet in the street. "Hello Uncle Hymie," Solly said, "it's good to see you - how are the dentures?" "Solly," he says, "let me tell you a story. For the past couple a' weeks I am on a vacation in the Caribbean, fishing. One day we are out and I am fishing off the back of the boat when I hook a great big tuna, maybe 300 pounds. This very strong fish swims away from me and I'm trying to hold him but the line runs out over 200 yards and I really am struggling." "Then the fish turns and swims towards the boat - he's coming at me very fast and I am frantically trying to reel in the line which falls into the boat and gets wound around my testicles. Suddenly it turns and starts to swim fast away from the boat." "Solly, right then for the first time, I don't feel your dentures!"

A guy walked into the doctor's office for an appointment. "Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor." "It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection." "Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

The new patient was airing his woes to an understanding doctor: "After the first, I'm tired, Doc. After the second, my chest aches and I start getting pains in my legs. After the third, I feel like fainting and it takes half-an-hour for my heart and respiration to return to normal." "Why don't you quit after the first?" inquired the doctor. "How can I do that, Doc?" said the patient. "I live on the third."

Doctor Terminology! What doctors say, and what they're really thinking: "This should be taken care of right away." I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself. "Welllllll, what have we here...?" He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue. "Let me check your medical history." I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you. "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time. --or-- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit. "We have some good news and some bad news." The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it. "Let's see how it develops." Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured. "Let me schedule you for some tests." I have a forty percent interest in the lab. "I'd like to have my associate look at you." He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle. "I'd like to prescribe a new drug." I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig. "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself. "That's quite a nasty looking wound." I think I'm going to throw up. "This may smart a little." Last week two patients bit off their tongues. "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here? "This should fix you up." The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff. "Everything seems to be normal." Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all. "I'd like to run some more tests." I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one. "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?" You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ... "There is a lot of that going around." My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this. "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments -- lack of sleep, no drive, very little appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man is suffering from depression. The two had been friends for many years, so the doctor did not hesitate to ask the man about his personal life. "Well, if you must know," said the patient, "I cannot stand my wife. She's made my life unbearable. I fantasize all the time about killing that damn witch. In fact, if you are truly my friend, you'll give me some kind of untraceable poison to give her, so I may end my misery." The doctor explained that not only was that illegal, it would in fact, violate his oath to save lives. He said, "Besides, you'll get life in prison yourself, at best. I'll tell ya what though, I can give you this powerful aphrodisiac to slip into her coffee. You can then 'love her to death'. No jury in the world is going to convict a man for loving his wife too much. She'll be gone in a month at best." The man blessed the doctor, went home and started putting the love elixir in his wife's coffee the very next morning. Three weeks later, the doctor hasn't heard a word from his friend, and becomes concerned. After office hours, he stops by his friend's house to see if all is well. He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck, wrapped in a blanket, even though it's a warm Spring day. The man's face was gaunt and pale, he'd lost Lord knows how much weight, and looked terrible. The doctor asked, "What the Hell happened
??" The man said, "I followed your advice to the letter. That woman and I made love like a pair of crazed rabbits, day and night." Then, he chuckled, causing a terrible wheeze. Just then the wife appeared from inside the house. All slim and trim and dressed in tennis clothes; smiling, she said she was off for a few sets of tennis. As she leaped into her new sports car, her husband cackled and said to the doctor, "Look at that dumb crazy bitch. She hasn't a lick of sense. If she only knew she has less than a week to live she wouldn't be so God damn frisky."

Bob took his nymphomaniac wife to the doctor for treatment. "This Is one hot potato of a lady, Doctor," he said. "Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, and I get very jealous." "We'll see," the doctor said. He directed the missus into his examining room, closed the door behind him and told her to undress. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach. The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to moan and squirm. It was too much for him to resist, and he climbed up on top of her and began to screw her. Bob heard moans and groans coming from the room. Unable to control himself, he pushed open the door, only to be confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife banging away. "Doctor, what are you doing?" he asked. The flustered doctor said, "Oh, it's you, Bob? I'm only taking your wife's temperature!" Bob opened his switchblade knife and began to wipe it on his sleeve very deliberately. "Ok Doc,....." he said, "but when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!"

The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology "How do you determine if a patient is cured." The psychologist explains. "We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub." "I see," says the health minister, "the cured person would choose the cup because it's bigger, and would empty the tub faster". "Actually no," replies the psychologist, "a normal person would simply pull the plug".

An older man was sunbathing in the nude, when a wasp stung him on the penis. He made an urgent visit to his doctor and explained the situation. "Please can you remove the sting, Doctor?" he pleaded. , , , "But don't do anything about the swelling.

So very reluctantly, Moshe let Michelle wheel him to the lift. On their way down, Michelle asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," Moshe said, "she's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

My wife came home from the doctor's office and said that he told her she couldn't make love. I've always known this, but how did he find out?

The head nurse was nearing retirement, she had seen just about everything come through the hospital's labour and delivery unit and always remained calm and unruffled. A sixteen-year-old in labour was having a lot of pain, writhing on the bed, fighting her contractions, swearing, and refusing to consider epidural analgesia. Streams of obscenities erupted from her room and the girl yelled FUCK right into the nurse's face. With absolute calm, the nurse patted the girl's arm and said, "You've already done that part. Now it's time to have the baby."

The pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The dentist gave her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with the proper tool in his hand. He immediately drew back in complete alarm. "Miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "You have hold of my testicles!" "Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?"

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the exhaust pipe."

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do. A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms. The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry. . but, if it makes you sick . . why do you keep doing it?"

The old gentlemen was aging more rapidly than he wanted. "Your gout is getting worse." said the doctor. "I recommend that you give up smoking, drinking and sex for a while." "WHAT!" said the man. "Just so's I can walk a little better?"

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