SMS and Jokes

Doctor (Jokes)

This lady goes to the gynaecologist but won't tell the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor. After hours of waiting the doctor sees her in. Ok my good woman what is your problem the doctor asks. Well, she says, my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. So I had five hundred dollars and I stuffed it in my vagina but now I can't get it out. The doctor says, don't be nervous I see this happen all the time. He asks her to pull down her underwear sits her down with her legs wide open puts his gloves on and says: I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?

A man had been in a terrible car accident, and woke up in the hospital. Looking around, he noticed a doctor leaning over his bed. "Jesus doc," the man exclaimed, "what happened. Where am I." The doctor replied "You have been in a bad car accident, and you're in the hospital, but don't worry, you're going to be all right. The bad news is that we had to amputate your right arm, above the elbow." "Oh no," the man screamed. "I'd rather be dead. I can't go through life without my arm. Please doc, kill me. I can't go on like this........" "Now son," said the doctor, "with the miracles of modern medicine today, we can give you a Bionic Arm. Only costs one million dollars, and it looks and works just like the real thing. Nobody will ever know it's not your own arm." "Yeah, great," the man groaned. "And where the hell am I gonna get a million bucks. I'm better off dead." "Hang on now," said the doctor. "We've been looking for a case like yours for a while now. We just came up with a new arm. For only ten thousand dollars, you can have it. It looks just like the more expensive one, but the only difference is that this one has a small microphone built into it, and you have to TELL the arm what to do. Other than that, it works just like the other one." "Well," the guy says, "I can probably afford ten grand. Go ahead, sew it on." The next day, the guy woke up in the same bed, and saw the doctor leaning over him again. "Well, doc, how did it go? Is everything all right?" "We think that the operation was a success," replied the surgeon, "but you will have to try it out, and let us know if there are any problems with it." Later on in the day, the guy was lying in bed, practicing with his new arm. "Lift up," he commanded. The arm lifted up. "Move right." The arm moved to the right. "Move left." The arm moved to the left. Everything seemed to be working without a hitch, and he was really pleased. All of a sudden, he had the urge to go to the bathroom. He hopped out of bed, and proceeded into the john. "Arm, reach down and undo my zipper." The arm obeyed. "Take out my Wang." The arm obeyed flawlessly. The guy had his leak, and when he was done, he commanded, "Shake it." The arm gave it a little shake. "No, shake it harder!" The arm gave it a good shake. "Hey," the guy said, "that feels pretty good......jerk it off." (Ouch....)

Q: How can a woman scare a gynaecologist? A: By becoming a ventriloquist.

Q: How did the gynaecologist know his patient was horny? A: He read her lips.

I know my memory's fading. I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I chose a seat next to a man and his wife in the waiting room. Both the chairs and conversations were so comfortable that before long I'd totally forgotten why I was there and asked the man. "So ... what are you here for?" Talk about a show stopper. Dead silence just as "Nurse Ratchet" announced my name in her best baritone voice. I thought, "Great ... now he has a name to match the idiot's face." I rushed past the giggles and hurried after the angel of no mercy. Rounding the corner, I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Allll I need you to do is step into this room right heeere, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr?" I'm thinking, "Belinda ... try drinking decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice... it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" "Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity when we heard, then felt, ZAP!! Complete darkness!! "What happened?" I yelled. "Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag," Belinda said as she headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me trapped in this thing, are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy ... the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights 'til the power comes back on. I'll be righttttt backkk." Before I could shout, "NO!", she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and parts of me dangling from the Jaws of Life. After exchanging polite, "Hi, how's it going," type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible. "Uh, yes... yes we did, thanks." "You bet, take care." Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though we'd been standing in the line at the grocery store. What felt like two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?" And that, Your Honour, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps

There was a father and son who were always in competition with each other. One day the son left to take an entrance exam at a university. He wanted to major in medicine. A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps. "How was the exam?" asked his father. "They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and stuff. I got a score of 75%. It wasn't good enough to get accepted," the boy replied. "Well in that case I better take that exam myself," the father said. So off to the university he went. A week later the father returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps. "How was the exam?" asked his son. "They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and I got them all wrong but one." "Gee, Dad. Which question was that?" "The question was...", started the father, "What do you do when you come across a lady which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?" "That's easy", the son replied. "The answer is pulse." "Oh, hell," said the father," I got that one wrong as well."

Why are hypochondriacs such lousy lovers? They prefer to wait until the swelling goes down.

An analyst was listening to a voluptuous beauty with a problem of her own. "It's liquor, doctor," she sobbed. "I'm really a very nice girl, but just as soon as I've had a drink or two, I become uncontrollably passionate and I want to make love to whomever I happen to be with." "I see," the analyst said thoughtfully. "Well, suppose I just mix us up a couple of cocktails here, and then you and I can sit down, nice and relaxed, and discuss this compulsive neurosis of yours."

A lumber jack was rushed to the hospital after cutting himself badly. The doctor told the nurse to prepare a dose of pain killer. "Don't bother Doc, " said the man. "I've been through a lot worse." "More painful than this?" the doctor asked. "I'll tell you about the second most painful accident I ever had. I was working in the woods one day and had to take a shit so I dropped my pants and squatted down without looking. I tripped a bear trap and BAM, the thing snapped shut on my balls!" The doctor winced and said "That's terrible. But if that's only the second, what could be worse?" The lumber jack replied, "When I jumped up, started to run and came to the end of that chain!"

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" "Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked. "No I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?", "No," I said, "I've never done any of those things." He look at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80?

A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to his absolute surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..." The student is amazed, and pops the cork back into the anus. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. They hear: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..." "So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery. "But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student. "Are you kidding?", replied the examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."

A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the hospital when, during her tour, she spotted a male patient masturbating. "Oh my God!" screamed the woman: "that's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor leading the tour explained: "I'm very sorry you had to see that but he has has a very serious condition. His testicles fill with semen so rapidly that he has to do that five times a day or they'll explode and he'll die within minutes." "Oh well, in that case I suppose it's OK." said the benefactor. But in the very next room she saw a lovely young nurse performing oral sex on another male patient. Again the woman screamed: "Oh my God! How can that ever be justified?" "Same illness, better health plan!"

Camilla had come to see Dr. Hardy. When the shrink began using sexual terms, she interrupted, "Wait, what is a phallic symbol?" "A phallic symbol," explained Hardy, "represents the phallus." "What's a phallus?" asked Camilla. "Well," said the analyst, "the best way to explain it is to show you." He stood up, unzipped his fly and took out his pecker. "This is a phallus." "Oh," said the girl. "It's like a prick, only smaller."

Have you heard about the latest wonder drug? When administered to women, it gives them the irresistible urge to join a convent. The FDA refuses to approve it, though. They fear it will be habit-forming.

The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for sexually transmitted diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments. "I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks." "My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch." "I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt." "My last period looked like meat." "My balls feel soft and mushy." "I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell you they got something unless they mad at you." "How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?" "I got the dripper." "I have food chunks in my urine." "Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched with Lysol--feelin' a little raw down there." "Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind." "I'm releasing semen when I take a crap." "I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man." "I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice." "Can't you put the swab in further?" "I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my other new baby's momma has disease." "Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked." "My cervix hurts when I jiggle." "The seam in my circumcision split open." "I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust either of them." "My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits." "From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline out of me." "I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me." "I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a 'chlamydiahoris.'" "My pee smells like ham."

Medical Sex Facts 1. It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile. (But who cares?) 2. Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world . It's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast. 3. The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and near-fusion with the mattress. 4. Eat and drink sensibly. The combination of alcohol and sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause spon taneous fizzle. 5. Improved breath control increases oxygen supply throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy. 6. Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate manipulations, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time. 7. A single ejaculation, especially from a man, contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the Marines. 8. Oral sex is a great way to firm the lower face. (For whom? ) 9. After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check your insurance policy. 10."Where am I?" should not be considered an abnormal response to immense orgasm. 11. Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see a guidance counsellor. 12. Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack. 13. It's perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach, especially if it belongs to your partner. 14. You know that you've had too much sex when your life begins to flash before your eyes. 15. You know I've had too little sex when my partner begins to flash before my eyes. 16. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and in demand. 17. Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight. 18. Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head (wear a hat during sex). 19. Sex on an inclined surface (an anthill, for example) builds endurance. 20. The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three to eleven seconds or four to seven feet. 21. 1970 FDA approves spray-on Vaseline. 22. To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets. 23. Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every 10,000 strokes. 24. Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference between a birthmark and a rash.

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive." The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. "You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."

A middle aged woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him," she said. "And he's right too. I have no desire at all." The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. "Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now." "That's wonderful," said the doctor, "What does your husband say now?" "How should I know?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."

GIRL: I have done a great sin. I called a boy a BASTARD. PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that? GIRL: Well, he kissed me. PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? GIRL: .. Yes! PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.. GIRL: But, he put his hand in my bra. PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? GIRL: Yes! PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.. GIRL: But, he took my clothes off. PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? GIRL: Yes! PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.. GIRL: But, he had sex with me! PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? GIRL: .Yes! PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.. GIRL: But, he told me he has AIDS. PSYCHIATRIST: THAT BASTARD.!

A California doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asks her if she is sexually active...She says that she is not. An examination shows that she is pregnant. Asked why she said she was not sexually active, the woman replied, "I'm not, I just lie there." "Well, do you know who the father is?" the doctor asks. With a puzzled look she replies, "No. Who?"

IMPORTANT BULLETIN Many men are buying "black market" Viagra from Mexican mail-order drug stores. The U.S Food and Drug Administration has announced several of these pharmacies are mixing Viagra with ground up Mexican jumping beans. The results can be something...unexpected. Here is what happens when Viagra is combined with Mexican jumping beans:-

I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes." The man grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas." So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill." The man asks "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks. "No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, thedoctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find noproblems. I did notice one anomaly, however." "Oh, what is that, Doctor?" "Well, you have no nipples." "None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied. "That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The American Journal of medicine if you don't mind." She said, "OK." "First of all," asked the doctor, "How many people are in your tribe?" She answered, "Approximately 500." "And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor. Running Doe replied, "We're called .." "The Indiannippleless Five Hundred!"

Dear Dr. Dover: I wish to apply for an operation to cut my nuts and make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless. After getting married here in West Virginia I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning? A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant. A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy... but the wife got pregnant yet again. Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again. I asked the pharmacist about condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies. We tried the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw. The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead. You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing. Yours sincerely, Bubba Brickhead Morgantown, West Virgina

Benjy the dentist was also a golf fanatic and would often take time off work for a round of golf. One day, he told his secretary to cancel all his appointments. She was also to leave the following voice mail message on his phone: - 'Dr Benjamin is fully occupied today as he needs to fill 18 cavities. Please ring tomorrow for an appointment. Thank you.'

Abe is in a terrible state and goes to see Dr Myers, his psychiatrist. "Doctor, I need your help in a big way. I feel very suicidal. What should I do?" Doctor Myers replies, "You must pay me in advance

Becky was talking to Shlomo. "Oy vay, Shlomo." "What's wrong, Becky?" he asks. "I was thinking about myself this morning and I couldn't believe just how things have got worse now that I'm chronologically challenged. I'm living with osteoporosis and my kidneys are so bad that I have to have regular dialysis. I have terrible circulation in my feet and can't feel my toes. I've survived a triple-heart bypass operation and had both my hips replaced. I'm loosing the sight in my right eye and my hearing is terrible. I've got a new left knee and the other one is deteriorating." "And that's not all, Shlomo. I'm sure I'm suffering from senile dementia - I can't remember whether I'm 73 or 79. I'm also sure I'm suffering from senile dementia - I can't remember whether I'm 73 or 79." "But I continue to survive, Shlomo - at a price! As a result of the 50 daily medications I take to live from day to day, I suffer from diarrhoea, wind, dizziness and sometimes even blackouts. But, my dear Shlomo, thank God I still have my driver's license."

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Two old men with Alzheimers were sat in the recreation room of the old peoples home, when one said to the other " I fancy an ice cream how about you
". The other said " I'd love one, with a flake and sauce on" With that the first old man makes to walk off, the second old man calls after him " hold on a minute and I'll write that down for you because you will only forget". " No I won't " He replied I won't be long. Ten minutes later the old man returns with two burgers. " What's that ? " said the other old man. " Burger what does it look like " said the first old man. " I know " replied the second " But what happened to the fries and mayo
"

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