SMS and Jokes

Doctor (Jokes)

to call it "The Silence of the Grans" but the producer prefers to have Robert de Niro starring in it as "THE OLD DEAR HUNTER"

Q: What's the difference between Dr. Harold Shipman and Tony Blair? A: Dr. Shipman actually did something about hospital waiting lists.

A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid's little finger. A nurse standing in the room sees his little dick and begins to laugh hysterically. The young man gives her a stern look and says, "You shouldn't laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"

Harold Shipman will be sadly missed by the prison boxing team. A spokesman said that he had a lethal left jab.

What's the connection between Gareth Gates and Harold Shipman? Neither can finish a sentence...

Harold had just finished off his Chicken Madras when a guard approached him. "How was your curry Dr Shipman?" "Great" Harold replied "But I could have murdered a nan..."

Old folk finally got their revenge. Dr Shipman was finally overcome by a GRANNY KNOT.

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whisky. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better. Just thought you'd like to know

One day a farmer caught a travelling salesman making love to his youngest daughter. Yelling "You son of a bitch!" he shot the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun. The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the man's perforated pecker and told him that nothing could be done for him. "Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich man and can pay you anything." "Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do. However, there's a man across the street who might be able to help you." "Oh really? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman. "No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you how to hold it without peeing in your face!"

A woman with a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal and asked if the baby was breast or bottle fed. "Breast fed," she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said: "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother but I'm really pleased I brought him in!"

Jelly Baby had developed a nasty rash down below so he thought he would go and see a doctor to get an expert opinion. The jelly doctor examined him and then looked at Jelly Baby and said "I'm not sure what's wrong Jelly Baby we'll have to take a Jelly sample, and you'll have to come back in two days". So he goes back a couple of days later for the test result and the doctor says "We've got the result and it's as I suspected Jelly Baby, you've picked up a sexually transmitted disease" Jelly Baby looked at the doc and said "Well, is that it?". "You don't sound very surprised Jelly baby" said the doc. Jelly baby replied "I'm not, I've been sleeping with fuckin allsorts!"

A cop stops a car for travelling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realised that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

A woman walks into a gynaecologist's office who greets her with "At your cervix, madam!" The woman replies, "Dilated to meet you!"

The gynaecologist comes home from work and his wife asks him, "Had a good day at the orifice, dear?"

It was the talk of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, by patting his groin and saying "You've got to keep the old motor running". The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running". The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!" He responded "You know, I've still got that old motor running". The nurse replied, "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black".

Nina completed four weeks of dental restoration with the dentist. She confided to her best friend Rosey that she had fallen in love with her dentist and she was going to propose to him. Rosey said, "Nina, you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why is this dentist THE man for you?" "Because," explained Nina, "he is the first man that ever said to me -- 'SPIT, don't SWALLOW'."

At the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces: "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After quite a time, one of them said: "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded: "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask: "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence, turned to the entire group and said: "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of female brains because they've always been used."

When Africa speaks "Hospitalese." Actual writings from charts in a Mpumalanga hospital: 1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with B only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. 11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. She is numb from her toes down. 14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 15. The skin was moist and dry. 16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 17. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 24. Skin: somewhat pale but present. 25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

A group of office co-workers decided one day to share a ride to work. What they did not realize was that they also shared the same fear--claustrophobia. As they were driving through a mountain tunnel, all began to scream wildly! The car went out of control, but finally, they were able to slow down and pull over to the side of the road. A psychologist who was driving behind the car saw everything and stopped to see if he could help. He immediately ascertained what the problem was -- they were suffering from carpool tunnel syndrome.

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a glass jar and said: "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked: "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied: "Yep, no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the bloody jar open."

floor?"

There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw." But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles." The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep." However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas." So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else." After awhile he came back with a couple of pills. The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?" The dentist said, "Viagra." The guy said, "WHAT! Why these?" The dentist said, "They won't help the pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your damn tooth.

In a doctor's waiting room, a nurse was explaining to a group of women how their infants were weighed. "First of all, we weigh the mother on her own. Then we weigh the mother while she holds her baby. Then we subtract the mother's weight from the combined weight of mother and baby and we then have the baby's weight." At which point one of the women said: "Sorry, nurse, but that won't work for me." "Why ever not?" asked the nurse. The woman replied, "I'm the baby's aunt."

Phil yells out to the nurse, "Hey nurse, I need to take a piss!" The nurse goes over and says, "Please don't talk like that here. Say I need to do number one." Some time later, Joe yells out to the nurse, "Hey nurse, I need to take a shit!" The nurse says, "Please don't talk like that. Say I need to do number two." Pretty soon, Bob calls the nurse over and whispers to her, "Nurse, I need to take a shit but I haven't been given a number yet."

They are a dental couple. He's an oral surgeon and she just likes oral.

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!"

My husband had been stationed in Europe and away from home for what seemed like years when I went for my annual gynaecological check-up. My doctor asked the usual questions, including what I was using for birth control. I gave the only possible response I could: "The Atlantic Ocean."

been putting them in the cupboard under the stairs"

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"

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