SMS and Jokes

Doctor (Jokes)

A woman complained to her vet that her mongrel would start humping her every time he came into the house, "Is there anything you can do?" she asked. "Well," the dog Doc answered, "we could cut his balls off to cut his sex drive down." "Oh no," the woman replied, "that seems a bit rough. Couldn't you just clip his nails and do something about his bad breath!"

Two plastic surgeons are talking about their recent operations, and one mentions that he grafted tits onto a sailor's back sometime ago. "Was it a success?" asks the other. "Incredibly!" says the first. "I did it on a percentage basis, and if his arsehole holds out, we'll be millionaires pretty soon."

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves: "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said: "No, I don't have any idea." "Well," he spoofed; "Down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in and then walks around for a bit while the latex sets and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again." She didn't laugh one bit. Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed bright pink and exclaimed: "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

A worried voice on the doctor's telephone declared, "A mouse ran up my wife's honeypot!" The doctor replied, "I'll be over in ten minutes. In the meantime, try waving a piece of cheese between her legs." When the doctor arrived at the house, he was welcomed by the couple's young son , who showed him upstairs to the bedroom. There on the bed sat a frantic woman, legs spread wide, while her husband waved an open can of tuna over the opening. The doctor cried, "Idiot, I said to use cheese!" The man retorted, "I know that, you fool... but I've got to get the cat out first!"

she stinks." My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him Take-0. They love to hate each other. Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is! " And he closed the door.

The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker. Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive ERECTION she had ever seen. Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself. She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behaviour. "What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?" "Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you." And so the first nurse left. The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it. Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too! Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!" "Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."

A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby. Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after." "Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."

169 A woman is in her doctor's office getting undressed for an examination. She turns to a naked blonde woman sitting next to her and says, "I told the doctor that my ears are ringing and he told me to strip. Does that seem a little suspicious to you?" "Hey, don't ask me," the naked blonde replies. "I'm only here to fix the fax machine."

A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth." Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist." Man: "Yes, I know." Dentist: "So why did you come in here?" Man: "The light was on..."

One day this guy who had tried every diet with no success read about a doctor who had a new experimental diet. The guy goes to the doctor and tells him he has tried them all. The doctor says with his diet he can consume all the food he wants but he has to put it up his butt. The guy says he is willing to try anything, so the doc gives him written instructions on the proper procedure and tells him to come back in 3 weeks Three weeks later he comes back for a visit. The doctor is amazed. The guy looks great slim, healthy, glowing with vitality. The doctor notices that the guy is twitching and jerking around below the belt , he looks like Elvis on a good day. " You look great" says the doc "but I'm concerned about this strange side effect". "What side effect?" the guy asks. "Well, all that spasmodic jerking around" he replies. "Oh that. I'm just chewing gum."

Jacob replies, "Maybe doctor, but have you ever heard of a second wife?"

A man walks into a dentists and says: "What's the best thing for yellow teeth? The dentist answers: "How about a brown tie?"

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?" "Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy." "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?" "Yeah, and they're in favour 15 to 2."

A doctor is talking to his car mechanic, "Do you realise that your hourly rate is over twice what we get paid for medical care?" "Yeah, but think of it this way, doc. You only have two models that haven't changed since Adam and Eve. But every month we need to learn the latest new systems!"

How to prepare for your first hospital stay 1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the gardener to probe you with his weedkiller applicator. 2. Drink a can of Dulux One-Coat, Interior Flat White. Then ask your child to stuff his slinky toy down your throat. 3. Put an estate agent's 'Open House' sign in your front garden and lie on your bed dressed in paper napkins with straws stuck up your nose. 4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practising your smile and repeating the words: "mild discomfort." 5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a crosshead screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle. 6. Remove all actual food from the house. 7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung between yourself and a coat rack, walk slowly up and down the hall. 8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.

Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that her husband's been in a terrible automobile accident. She rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's been in an accident. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out into the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones. "Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?" The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news, I'm afraid. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of his spine." "Oh my God!" says Mrs. Jones, "What is the prognosis?" "Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news is his vital signs are stable. However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed him." Mrs. Jones begins to sob... "And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly... "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper him as he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course, these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails... The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up his faeces on a regular basis, as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowels will engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course, you must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll be emitting regularly." Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on the shoulder, and says, "Hey, I'm just messin' with you. He's dead."

A guy walks into a chemist's and says, "I want 144 condoms!" The assistant behind the counter replies, "How come you need so many?" The guy answers, "I want to commit a gross indecency...."

An Italian man was in a bad car accident and after months of recovery he still has a problem. He has to have his penis amputated. He goes to see the doctor and the doctor reassures him that he can help him. "First of all you have to pick a new penis" says the doctor. The doctor picks up a box from his table and says "This is our 6 inch standard model. It is dependable and will cost you only $6000. It comes with a lifetime guarantee. The man says "Okay, that's about right but I have a question. What's in the other box?" "This is our 10 inch super model. 10 inches of muscle to please any women. But for this you have to pay $10,000!!" The man says " oh yea, that's the one I want. My wife will love me forever. But does it also come with a lifetime guarantee?" "Yes" "Well what's in that other box?" The doctor picks up yet another box from his desk. "This is our super deluxe model. It's 12 inches of all beef and will drive all the ladies wild. But if you want this much power you gotta pay $12,000 for it!" The man is really on a roll and is tickled pink. "Doc, that's it, that's the one for me. I'll be the envy of everyone I know. But does it have a lifetime guarantee?" "Yes sir." Then the man says he has just one more question. "Does it come in white?"

Margaret was really peeved! She was arguing with the druggist because her favourite cure-all could not be bought without a prescription. "Look, lady. You can't have this without a prescription because it's a habit-forming drug." "IT IS NOT!" yelled Margaret! "I ought to know...I've been taking it regularly for seventeen years!"

Doctors at the local hospital go on strike. Hospital officials say as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs, they will respond to the doctors' demands.

A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him. The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?" The man replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor." "W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?" The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem. "A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?" "Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."

The dentist was striving to extract a tooth, but every time he got ready to proceed, the patient clamped his jaws. At last, he took his assistant aside and told her at the very moment he poised the forceps, to give the patient's balls a vicious pinch. The pinch was administered, the nervous patient's mouth flew open, and the tooth was easily removed. "Didn't hurt, did it?" asked the dentist. "Not too much," replied the patient, "but who would have thought the root went that deep?!"

Three men met at a party, and it wasn't long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kind of cars they drove. "I'm a veterinarian," said the first fellow, "so, naturally, I drive a white Vette." As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, "I own a sign company, so I drive a purple Neon." Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the other two. "Well", he finally said, "I'm a proctologist... and I have a brown Probe."

There are two doctors staying in a hotel. They both are frantic and worried men who are pacing the hallway in the hotel lobby. One turns to the other and says, "I'm a doctor and I have a patient in my room with a wooden leg. I have the leg apart and I can't get it back together!" The other doctor says, "Good God, I wish that were all I had to worry about! I have a great looking girl in my room with both legs apart, and I can't remember my room number!!"

A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving. The woman, who was hard of hearing, decided to go to the gynaecologist and see if the problem was with her. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions. He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle." The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong. She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel."

A physician claims that the following are actual comments made by his male patients while he was performing their Colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before." 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Oh boy! That was sphincterrific!" 5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 6. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally married." 7. "Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?" 8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...." 9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 10. "If your hand doesn't fit you must quit!" 11. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 12. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?" And the best one of them all.......... 13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is, in fact, not up there."

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Edna the news he said: "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act confirms that you have a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved hanged himself right after you saved him, with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry but he's dead." Edna replied: "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

Hank Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying. "What's wrong?" he asks. "John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy." "WHAT?" he shouts. With that he grabs a baseball bat from the cupboard and storms down to the doctor's office and through the reception area. Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting, Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!" The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but there has been a misunderstanding. I only told your wife that she has Acute Angina."

Patient: "Nurse, I just swallowed my pillow!" Nurse: "How do you feel?" Patient: "A little down in the mouth"

Q. Why did Harold Shipman hang himself? A. He'd run out of patients.....

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