SMS and Jokes

Doctor (Jokes)

"My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working."

A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' station saying: "Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous." Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too...."

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you're not a hypochondriac.

A fella goes to the doctor and says, "I got a mole on the end of my penis" Doc says, "Drop your trousers and show me" After a look the doctor says, "I can get rid of the mole but I'm gonna have to report you to the animal welfare people."

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van -- you know, shag carpets, big double bed in the back, all of that - - and suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh lover, whip me! Please whip me!" Well, the guy, not wanting to pass up an opportunity like that, but unsure what to do as he has no whips around, gets an inspired flash, opens one window, snaps the antenna off his van, and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy. Almost a week later the girl notices that the welts she sustained are beginning to fester a bit and goes to her doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and exclaims, "Wow! Looks like you've got a bad case of 'Van-aerial' disease!"

grandfather want to get married?" Chris looked the doctor in the eye and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

Fred goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife is unfaithful to me. Every Friday night, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?

There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, 'What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?' To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank the Lord, I'm not a gynaecologist.'"

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. "Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says. The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. "I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."

There was a very unusual hospital where one of the main treatments was that the nurses would take the male patients home and sleep with them. But there was one patient, Rob, no one wanted to take him home. He was a small man, and he had tattooed on his penis the word 'SHORTY'. Well, finally, Valerie, feels sorry for him and takes him home and sleeps with him. She comes back to work the next day smiling. The other nurses ask what she could possibly be so happy about after sleeping with a guy with SHORTY written on his penis. "Yes," replies Valerie, "but when he becomes aroused, it says, 'SHORTY'S RESTAURANT AND PIZZERIA'." "Wow!" they say. "'ORDERS TO TAKE OUT'," Valerie continues. "'ALL BAKING DONE ON PREMISES..." The others stand there staring, in total surprise. "ESTABLISHED 1922...PARTIES ARE OUR SPECIALTY'." Valerie finished.

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of long standing, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!" At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"

"I think we should go Dutch," the nurse said to the doctor in the dimly lit restaurant. "You pay for dinner and the movie, and the rest of your night can be on me."

A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor. The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby. When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?" "We won't know until it comes down off the chandelier."

the cap off the jar!"

Did you hear about the blind gynecologist? He could lip-read.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head that she could turn to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, she turned the knob and the effects were wonderful - she remained young looking and vibrant. After 15 years, she returned to the surgeon. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've turned the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these big bags under my eyes and the knob just won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." The woman said, "I guess that explains the goatee."

Medical ethics experts are still struggling with the question as to whether or not it's fitting for young male gynecologists to keep looking up old girlfriends.

A man comes to a doctor and twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a performance problem. Can you help me?" "Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history." So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way. A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!" "Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?" "Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."

A businessman was confined to the for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the night time activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on. He order his nurses around as if they were his employees. One morning the head nurse entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I am sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an half an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doctor? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a daffodil"

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know." A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!" The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative. Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!" The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a musician." The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"

First Aid for non-medically minded people ELECTROCUTION Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it would be going to waste. Check the victims pulse (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human being). And do try not to be squeamish about it. Drive the victim to the nearest emergency room. You can use him/her to jump start the engine as well if need be. TREATING BURNS AND SCALDS Run the affected area under cold tap water as soon as possible (if the victim's entire body is a swirling mass of flames, it may a little too late for this). If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then REMOVE CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of you parading around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury. Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as an example. FRACTURES AND BROKEN LIMBS Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are going to die. That always perks them up. Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk back and forth for a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the rest of your job easier. Do not move the broken or fractured limb, as this may result in an abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc. It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can produce. Far better than Play-Doh. CHOKING ON FOOD Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of food hit you in the eye, however. Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill. Make a mental note to order soup next time. CUTS AND WOUNDS Dress the wound, whatever that means. Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing. Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my little joke. Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire. Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know. OBJECTS STUCK IN VICTIM'S EYE Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT. Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering the victim any more before you can get to it. CONCUSSION When the victim comes around, ask them what day it is, who the President of the USA is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Talk in Swahili to disorient the victim a bit more. Yes, there's a whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion. Here's a good one: before the victim comes around, switch off all the lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout "Thank God! We thought you might be dead, or blinded or something."

A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's rear was that eye staring right back at him. "You know," said the doctor, "you really should learn to trust me!"

A man is feeling very ill, so he goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to hospital to undergo tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty Sexually Transmitted Disease!" "Oh my God, doctor! What are you going to do?" "Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes and pitta bread." "Will that cure me?" "Well no, but it's the only food we can slide under the door."

A man is taken into hospital and has had some tests taken and is awaiting the doctor, the doctor duly arrives and say's to the man. "I have some good news and some bad news" The man replies "I can take it Doc give me the bad news" The Doc replies "I'm terribly sorry but we have to amputate both your legs" The man replies "Well Doc this is bloody terrible. At least I have the good news to come, go on Doc give it to me" Doc replies "Do you see the man in the opposite bed" Man replies "Yes, what about him?" Doc replies "He said he would buy your slippers"

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop wanking, your tennis elbow will never get better.

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," said the doctor, "you're pregnant." "But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practise sex only with our eyes." "Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."

Guy goes to the doctor and says "Say, Doc, I know guys my age start to get hair growing in their nose and ears and stuff, but look at this." Where upon he displays his penis, which is covered with hair. The doctor says, "Gee never saw anything like that." "Am I in trouble?" asks the guy. The doctor takes some samples and tells the guy to call him in a few days. When the guy calls the doctor tells him not to worry but advises him to "Wash your hands better after you put the hair restorer on you head..."

One Monday morning a customer walked into Riley's pharmacy with a complaint. "Last Friday evening you sold me a gross of condoms, but when I opened them up there were only a hundred." Riley was apologetic. He wrapped up 44 condoms and passed them over to his customer. "Hope we didn't spoil your weekend."

A doctor was transferred to a very tough commando base. On this first day three soldiers turned up to see him. The first marched in and snapped to attention. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doc. "I've got piles sir!" shouted soldier. "How have you been treating them?" asked the doctor as he examined the soldier. "I've been rubbing my arse with a wire brush until it bleeds, Sir!" replied the commando. The doctor then asked the soldier about his main ambitions in life. "I want to kill more enemies, sir!" he replied. The doctor was amazed that a soldier in so much pain just wanted to do his duty. The second soldier marched in and told the doctor he had gonorrhea. "How have you been treating it until now?" asked the doctor. "I've been rubbing the end of my prick with a wire brush until it bleeds, sir!" The doctor then asked him about his ambition in life. "To kill more enemies, sir!" the soldier replied. Again the doctor was amazed about the pain threshold of the soldiers. Finally, the third soldier walked in and the doctor asked him about his problem. "I've got ulcerated gums, sir!" the soldier bellowed. "And how are you treating them?" asked the doctor. "I've been rubbing my gums with a wire brush until they bleed, sir!" replied the soldier. "And what's your ambition in life?" asked the doctor. "To be the first to use the wire brush, sir!"

One summer, the company Dave worked for transferred him to another city, and Dave was told that he had to take a new physical with the company doctor. All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked that Dave had the smallest dick he'd ever seen. "Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?" the doc asked. "Shit, no," Dave said. "I've got a wife, three kids, and a great sex life. But I do sometimes have a problem finding it in the daytime." "What about at night?" the doc asked. "Nights are no problem," Dave said. 'cause there's two of us looking for it then."

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