SMS and Jokes

Dirty Jokes (Jokes)

What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? Beat it - we're closed.

A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby. "Look at the size of his todger," says the man. "It's massive!" "Yes dear," says the woman. "But at least he's got your ears".

Two welshmen are out rounding up sheep when all of a sudden a ewe takes off and goes wild, runs into a fence and gets her head stuck. The two shepherds run over to the fence to get her out when one says to the other "Hey, boyo, this is too good an oppertunity to pass up." So he unzips his fly, yanks out his wang and fucks this ewe for about ten minutes. When he's finally finished he looks round to his mate and says, "That was bloody marvellouse. D'you fancy a go?" "Bloody right i do!" grins his mate, as he drops his trousers and sticks his head through the fence.

Why do hippo's make love in the water ? Have you ever tried to keep a fanny that big moist ?

Why is a cucumber and a beer better tham a men ? Because the beer comes in a can, not in your mouth, and a cucmber stays hard for weeks.

How many men does it take to open a can of beer ? None, it should be open by the time she brings it to the couch.

Why is a man like a rubik cube? The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.

How do you make six pounds of fat look attractive ? Put a nipple on it.

What's black and white and hot ? A nun with pierced nipples and tatooed thighs.

What's the difference between a dick and a poo ? Have you ever tried sucking a poo
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A couple gets married. Forty years later, they're in the same hotel room they spent their honeymoon in. She takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed, spreads her legs ... and he starts to cry. She says, "What's the matter?" He says, "Forty years ago, I couldn't wait to eat it, and now it looks like it can't wait to eat ME!"

A man arrives home one evening and found his wife in bed with another man. The husband grabbed the offending man by his pecker and dragged him to the garage. After putting his private parts into a vice and removing the key so it couldn't be loosened he walked over to the bench and took a saw off the hanger. The naked offender said, "My god you are not going to cut it off?" The husband replied, "Oh no sir, this is for you. I am going to set fire to the garage and leave. What you do next is your decision.

A woman walked into the ladies and saw a man standing up using the toilet. Shocked, she exclaimed, "This is just for women !" "So's this," he replied

A couple of farmers were walking back across the fields after a boozy lunch at the local when they spotted a lamb caught fast in the fence. Ahrr, Jem, I could wish that was Ursula Andress stuck in that fence like that," chortled one. Jem replied "Well, i'm just after wishing it was dark".

Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in Ameriaca. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

Five men were setting around the table at a resturant bragging who had the largest dick. Finally one guy said I'll settle this let's all put our dicks on the table that will decide it. At about that time two Fags walk in and were seated. The waiter ask would you gentleman like to see a menu? The Fags respond OH!!! NO,NO, we'll just have the buffet.

What's the best thing about a blow job from an Ethiopian ? You know she will swallow

A young girl swallowed a pin when she was eleven and never felt a prick until she turned eighteen.

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Jokes