SMS and Jokes

Deep Thoughts (Jokes)

We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things get worse.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

There are 3 types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.

Think of a number. Multiply it by 3. Now add 5. Take away the number you first thought of. Now add 7. Subtract 2. Add back the number you first thought of. Now, close your eyes. Dark, isn't it?

Reasons not to exercise It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is. The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

A woman told her husband that her credit card had been stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than she did.

HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER - LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW

When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and tell them to fuck off.

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this: You're a Siamese twin and your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay and you are not. But you only have the one asshole. Feel better?

We're all familiar with The Darwin Awards. Next come the Stella Awards, named after Stella Leibeck who suffered third degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonalds coffee on herself. She was driving at the time. Celebrate, if you will, America's most frivolous lawsuits: 1. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury after breaking her ankle falling over a child who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were surprised by the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little bastard was Mrs Robertson's son. 2. 19 year old Carl Truman of LA won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand in a Honda Accord. Mr.Truman hadn't noticed that there was anyone at the wheel of the vehicle before trying to steal the hub-caps. 3. Terrence Dickinson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he has just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was unable to open the garage door from inside, and the door back into the house had locked shut behind him. The house owners were on vacation. Mr Dickinson found himself locked in the garage for eight days with just two bottle of Pepsi and a bag of dog biscuits to live on. He sued the homeowner, and received half a million dollars for undue mental anguish. 4. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by a beagle. The beagle was chained up in it's owners yard. The award was a little less than first thought, given that the jury agreed that Mr Williams had provoked the dog by shooting it repeatedly with an air gun. 5.A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster $113,000 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was only on the floor because Ms Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 6.Kara Walton of Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club after she fell from the bathroom window and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak out and avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12, 000 and dental expenses. And the winner is: Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. Upon leaving the dealership, he pulled onto the freeway, set the cruise control at 70mph and calmly made his way into the back to make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the vehicle left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 and a new Winnie. Winnebago actually changed their handbooks in case another complete moron decided to buy one of their vehicles.

-- Sharon Stone "My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading." -- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers) "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Tiger Woods "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -- Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -- Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." -- Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." -- Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." -- Robert DE Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" -- Dustin Hoffman "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -- Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." -- Robin Williams

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago Good: Your wife's not talking to you Bad: She wants a divorce Ugly: She's a lawyer Good: Your son is finally maturing Bad: He's involved with the woman next door Ugly: So are you Good: Your son studies a lot in his room Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there Ugly: You're in them Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids Bad: You can't find your birth control pills Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them Good: Your husband understands fashion Bad: He's a cross-dresser Ugly: He looks better than you Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Ugly: With corrections Good: The postman's early Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas Good: Your son is dating someone new Bad: It's another man Ugly: He's your best friend Good: Your daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker Ugly: Your workmates are her best clients Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

The long term implications of modern drugs must be fully considered: Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.

Some Fun Sex Theories 1. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 2. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 3. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. 4. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. 5. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. 6. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. 7. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. 8. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. 9. Love your neighbour, but don't get caught. 10.Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. 11. One good turn gets most of the blankets. 12. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 13. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. 14. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. 15. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. 16. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. 17. Never say no. 18. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. 19. Love comes in spurts. 20. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. 21. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. 22 Don't do it if you can't keep it up. 23. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. 24. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. 25. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 26. Virginity can be cured. 27. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

Deep Thoughts One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? If the police arrest a mime, does he still have the right to remain silent? Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Anon

SUCCESS THROUGH THE AGES At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is... having friends. At age 17, success is... having a driver's license. At age 20, success is... having sex. At age 35, success is... having money. At age 50, success is... having money. At age 60, success is... having sex. At age 70, success is... having a driver's license. At age 75, success is... having friends. At age 90, success is... not peeing in your pants.

Q. How do you know when you are getting old? A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

More Real Quotes "I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know." Franck Dubosc "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." Gary Valentine (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." Jeff Green "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane : Either you have diarrhoea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." Rich Jeni "My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." Emo Philips "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." Rich Jeni "Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'" Jeff Green "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." Emo Philips

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

TOP TIPS The new "Cindy Crawford Workout Video" is bloody marvellous. I've only had it a fortnight and I've already got a right arm like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on. A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. From Mr KVL 74IY Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time. Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. Lorry drivers. Make motorway driving more interesting by waiting until a car is overtaking you before pulling out from the inside lane. This is even more fun when there are two cars side by side in the two right hand lanes. If you cannot afford that driving holiday in France this year - simply drive round Oxfordshire, for 2 weeks, on the wrong side of the road. Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery. International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis. American organised crime leaders. Upon capturing the 'A' Team do not under any circumstances lock them in a shed full of tools and useful scrap materials. Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know. Bomb disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock. Save money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there. Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days. Avoid being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Make shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them. Men! To convince neighbours that you have a large penis, simply drive a car in and out of your road, very fast, whilst children play there. For many years I've kept my legs warm in winter by wearing ladies' tights beneath my trousers. I've never found it embarrassing, as they make perfectly good - and economical - leg warmers. As a pensioner, saving money and staying warm are my priorities. In summer I switch to wearing cooler and more hygienic stockings and suspenders. I jog to work behind the bus every day, saving a whopping 96p! However, to save even more money, you could jog behind a taxi saving a massive 5.60 excluding tip!!!! Students: Emphasize your individuality by all wearing the same clothes, having exactly the same haircuts and not being able to handle your subsidised beer that tax payers provide. Fill a Shredded Wheat with pink soap and, hey presto - an inexpensive Brillo pad. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Squawks The way all problem reports should be handled... "Squawks" are problems noted by US Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P) = Problem (S) = Solution (P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. (S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre. (P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough. (S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft. (P) No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. (S) No. 2 propeller seepage normal - No. 1, No. 3, and No. 4 propellers lack normal seepage. (P) Something loose in cockpit. (S) Something tightened in cockpit. (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. (S) Evidence removed. (P) DME volume unbelievably loud. (S) Volume set to more believable level. (P) Dead bugs on windshield. (S) Live bugs on order. (P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. (S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground. (P) IFF inoperative. (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. (S) That's what they're there for. (P) Number three engine missing. (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search. (P) Aircraft handles funny. (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious. (P) Target Radar hums. (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words . (P) Suspected crack in windscreen (S) Suspect you're right (P) Mouse in cockpit (S) Cat installed

True Story - Australian Police have been totally unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam: A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via cheque to ASFP. After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers money in the form of a company cheque, using the full company name. However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name? The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company

Why is there only one Monopolies commission?

Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?

Here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts: Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air. No one knows your secret place. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world". The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water... There now..... feeling better?

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

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