SMS and Jokes

Deep Thoughts (Jokes)

The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Why does the word "monosyllabic" have 5 syllables?

on an unspoiled canal bank among the national collection of stinging nettles. Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of neighbouring areas. Simply e-mail us by return with your credit card details and we'll do the rest! If you prefer to donate cash, there are collection points available at your local branches of Argos, Iceland and Clinton Cards

Newspaper quotes from the BBC Radio 4's "News Quiz": Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that blew his house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)

Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labelled 'for the sick' is for monetary donations only. (Churchtown Parish Magazine)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (Reuters via The Manchester Evenings News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle, and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries: Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist. Abdicate - v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Carcinoma - n. A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog. Bustard - n., a very rude Metrobus driver. Semantics - n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers. Marionettes - n., residents of Washington D.C. who have been jerked around by the mayor.

Kids Books You'll Never See "You Were an Accident" "How to Dress Sexy for Grownups" "Strangers Have the Best Candy" "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her" "Bi-Curious George" "The Little Sissy Who Snitched" "Some Kittens Can Fly!" "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face" "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?" "All Dogs Go to Hell" "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking" "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It" "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia" "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?" "You Are Different and That's Bad" "Dad's New Wife Timothy" "Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games" "Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets" "The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad" "Why Mommy Has So Many Boyfriends" "The Tickling Babysitter" "Babar Meets the Taxidermist" "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence" "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables" "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy" "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will" "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead" "Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear" "Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share" "Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book" "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking" "That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption" "Grandpa Gets a Casket" "The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator" "Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way" "You Were an Accident" "The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan" "Your Nightmares Are Real" "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?" "Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things" "Old Shep the Sheepdog is Put to Sleep" "Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose" "A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides" "Charles Manson Bedtime Stories" "Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle" "Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina" "Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change From Your Mom's Purse" "Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Clothes" "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry" "Why Your Mom's "Flashlight" Vibrates" "The Cat That Shat in the Hat: A Kid's Guide to Scatology" "Chicken Soup for the Kitchen Floor" "Jacking and Jilling: The Dummy's Guide to Masturbation" "What The Hell Is Mommy's Problem, Anyway?" "The Mouse, the Motorcycle, and the Organ Donor Card" "The Big Book of Things to Put in Your Ear" "How to Write With Your Wee-Wee" "What's That Bag For, Grandpa?" "Harry Potter and the Allegations of Plagiarism" "Horton Hires A Ho" "Where the Curly Red Fur Grows"

Expressions For High Stress Days 1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 2. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine? 3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we? 5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. 6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. 7. Do I look like a fucking people person? 8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 11. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time. 12. You! Off my planet ! 13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. 14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control. 15. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes. 16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. 17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat. 18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness. 20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it. 22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. 24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil. 25. Allow me to introduce my selves. 26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you." 28. Better living through denial. 29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. 31. Do they ever shut up on your planet? 32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up. 33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. 34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. 35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes? 39. Back off! You're standing in my aura. 40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. 41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too! 42. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me. 43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away? 44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? 45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? 46. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me. 47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor. 48. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door No.1? 50. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you! 51. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong. 52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 54. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 55. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress." 56. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done. 57. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you. 58. A woman's favorite position is CEO. 59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. 60. You look like shit. Is that the style now? 61. This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now! 62. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth. 63. Earth is full. Go home. 64. Is it time for your medication or mine? 65. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego? 66. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me? 67. I plead contemporary insanity. 68. And which dwarf are you? 69. I refuse to star in your psychodrama. 70. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks. 71. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 72. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size. 73. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. 74. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go 75. Gene Police!!! Get out of the pool!! 76. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. 77. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again... 78. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 79. How about never? Is never good for you? 80. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 81. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 82. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 83. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... 84. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 85. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 86. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit. 87. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 88. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 89. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. 90. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 91. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 92. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 93. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 94. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 95. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 96. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 97. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 98. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 99. No, my powers can only be used for good. 100. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication. 101. Who me? I just wander from room to room

Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its arse".

Just in case we need any additional proof that the "bozo index" is at all time highs (and going higher), consider these real label instructions on consumer goods: On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness. On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: Keep out of children. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Classic Put Downs Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental! Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice. Are your parents siblings? As an outsider, what do you think of the human race? Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner. Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home? Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth? Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you? Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull? Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you? Don't you need a license to be that ugly? Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege! Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds. Have you considered suing your brains for non-support? He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed! He is living proof that man can live without a brain! He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot. He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost. Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change! Hi! I'm a human being! What are you? How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open? I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass. I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it. I bet your mother has a loud bark! I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit? I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works! I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others? I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside. I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter? I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you! I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there. I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you. I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo. I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high. I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in? I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it! I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV. I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying. I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time? I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission! If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive. If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide! If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control! Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn. So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey. Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't. There is no vaccine against stupidity.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Adages for the New Millennium Live long enough to be a problem to your kids. Money talks - but all mine ever says is goodbye. Drag the Joneses down to your level. It's cheaper. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried. Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your Visa. Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law. Time may be a great healer but it's a lousy beautician. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that). Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself). When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess? Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway. Life is sexually transmitted. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. A closed mouth gathers no feet. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. A fool and his money are soon partying. Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it! If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.... Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. Chastity is curable, if detected early. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard, and not enough chlorine either. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Dilbert's Rules of Order 1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day Tomorrow is not looking good either. 2 I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue. 5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they are not there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again. 6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem. 7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling? 8. My reality check bounced!!!! 9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier. 11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience. 15. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt. 16. Don't be irreplaceable-if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. 18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. 19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. (...AND WALK FAST!) 20. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 23. Following the rules will not get the job done. 24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?

I woke early one morning, The earth lay cool and still, When suddenly a tiny bird, Perched on my window sill, He sang a song so lovely So carefree and so gay, That slowly all my troubles, Began to slip away. He sang of far off places Of laughter and of fun, It seemed his very trilling, Brought up the morning sun. I stirred beneath the covers, Crept slowly out of bed, Then quickly shut the window And crushed his fucking head. I'm not a morning person.

and screaming - 'WOO HOO! What a Ride!'"

More Real Quotes "It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers "If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield "My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects." Les Dawson "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." Woody Allen "My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." Woody Allen "I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." Woody Allen. "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Emo Philips. "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" Marilyn Pittman "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." Johnny Carson "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." Paul Rodriguez "When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car." Author Unknown

Handy Hints A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock, will prevent you from going back to sleep. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Dictionary of New Slang. AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'. AUSSIE KISS: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. BADLY PACKED KEBAB: A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia. BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning. BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from. BEER SCOOTER: The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e." I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter". BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch BREAKING THE SEAL: Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night. BRITNEY SPEARS: Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please" BRUCE LEE: Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip). BUDGIE'S TONGUE: The female erection. DOUBLE-BASS: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. (The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.) ETCH-A-SKETCH: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously. GOING FOR A MCSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies. GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare. HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT: A vigorous masturbation session. JOHNNY-NO-STARS: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training. MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually f-all in there worth seeing. MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa! Aa!Aa!". MUMBLER: An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc.i. e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying. MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in. MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead. NELSON MANDELA: Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager). PEARL HARBOUR: Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air) PICASSO ARSE: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks. SALAD DODGER: An excellent phrase for an overweight person. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die SWAMP-DONKEY: A deeply unattractive woman. TART FUEL: Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women. TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around and talking bollocks TITANIC: A lady who goes down first time out. TODGER DODGER: A lesbian. UP ON BLOCKS: Menstruating i. e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e. g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks". WANK SEANCE: During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.

Thought for the day. "If sometimes you feel yourself little, useless, offended and depressed, always remember that part of you was once the fastest and most victorious sperm."

How To Write Good 1. Avoid alliteration. Always. 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.) 4. Employ the vernacular. 5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. 7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 8. Contractions aren't necessary 9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 10. One should never generalize. 11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14. Profanity sucks. 15. Be more or less specific. 16. Understatement is always best. 17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. 18. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 20. The passive voice is to be avoided. 21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 23. Who needs rhetorical questions?

The Washington Post's Style invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some winners: Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Bozone: (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. Cashtration: (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very, high. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit). Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is, like, sending off all these really bad vibes, right? and then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like,a totally serious bummer. Decaflon: (n.) The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Arachnoleptic fit: (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. Caterpallor: (n.) The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole

Tech Support: "Sir, right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. What you have done up until this point?" Customer: "You told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

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Jokes