SMS and Jokes

Deep Thoughts (Jokes)

Things You Never Want to Hear at a Funeral Eulogy 1. She died as she lived: oddly dressed and smelling vaguely of turpentine. 2. Death is not an end, but a beginning. Specifically, the beginning of an eternity of black nothingness. 3. He touched all of our lives. Unfortunately, he also touched several of our children. 4. There's no getting around it: Bob was a big, fat, sweaty pig of a man, which means that now, there's more pie for the rest of us. Dig in! 5. His spirit will be with us always. And by spirit, I mean overwhelming credit card debt. 6. I still can't get over that he's gone. I also can't get over that I totally survived that same car accident! Can you believe it? I should have had my head cracked off like what's-his-name here. 7. Steve wasn't unhappy about life. He was just super excited to die! 8. It's always sad when God calls a child home. But in the case of Larry here, I'm not so sad. Nice guy, smoked too much, whatever. So to Larry - nice knowing you, see you later. 9. I'll never forget the last time I seen him. He was all, "Betcha $50 I can wrestle a 'gator." And I was all, "You're on!" 10. I never screwed Cynthia. But I wanted to and God knows I tried. Even now, in death, I'd have to say I still wouldn't kick the broad out of my bed.

A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray. He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn't reverse the process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal man's thumb. He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his diminutive size didn't affect Walter's work too much. Still, after a while, Walter began to long for female companionship. His lab assistant thought up a highly unethical plan. He planned to get a couple of ladies of the night, shrink them down to Walter's size, and keep them shrunk until they could figure out a way to reverse the process. The lab assistant went to Times Square and tried to get the young ladies, but it was trickier than it seemed. They were reluctant to travel all the way to the lab, but the lab assistant offered to double their usual rate, so they finally agreed. As soon as they stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on the shrinking ray. There was a flash of light and a puff of smoke, and when the air had cleared --- the prostitutes were exactly the same size as they were before. "What's the big idea? Eek!" One of the prostitutes saw Walter scurrying across the floor and squashed him flat with her shoe. Walter was dead, and the experiment was ruined. This was all because the lab assistant forgot what everyone already knows: You can lead the whores to Walter, but you can't make 'em shrink.

Things you wish you could say: Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. How do I set a laser printer to stun? I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks. If I throw a stick, will you leave? Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing. ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got. BABY - A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack of responsibility at the other end. CANNIBAL - One who is apt to pass his best friend. CHIVALRY - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself. CONSCIENCE - That which hurts when everything else feels so good. CONSTIPATION - To have and to hold. COOKIE - A virgin doughnut. DANCE - A Naval engagement without the loss of seamen. DIVORCE - What happens when two people cannot stomach each other any longer. DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket. DIARY - Book of revelations. DOCTOR - A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped. ENEMA - A goose with a gush. EXPLORATION - Beating around the bush. FATHER'S DAY - Nine months before labor day. GENTLEMAN - One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows. GIGGALO - The egg that laid the golden Goose. GLAMOUR GIRL - a much publicized young thing who is full of oomf, and frequently full of other things; one who doesn't worry about the meat shortage. HORSE SHOW - A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing their horses. HUSBAND - What is left after the nerve has been killed. KEPT WOMAN - One who wears mink all day and fox all night. HUNG CHOW - Chinese constipation. A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise. MASTURBATION - A solo played on a private organ. METALLURGIST - A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore. MINUTE MAN - One who double parks while he visits a sporting house. MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises. MOTHER'S DAY - Nine months after fathers day. DONKEY BARBECUE- Where everybody gets a piece of ass. NUN - A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and ain't going to get none. NURSE - A pan handler. NURSERY - A place to park last years fun until it grows up a bit. PAPOOSE - Consolation prize for taking a chance on an Indian blanket. PIMP - A crack salesman; a nookie bookie. PREGNANCY - When a woman is all swelled up from her mate's handiwork. RHUMBA - An asset to music. SECRETARY - A stenographer who watches her periods. SIN - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don't. SISSY - A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak. SPRING FEVER - When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil. STORK - The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies. TAXIDERMIST - A man who mounts animals. TOMCAT - A ball bearing mouse trap. TRIPLETS - Having to take seriously what was poked at you in fun. VICE - Anything you enjoy that is bad for you. VIRGINITY - A bubble on the stream of life, one prick and it's gone forever. VIRGIN WOOL - Wool from a sheep that can outrun a sheep herder.

The reason I don't have any kids is because I never married. I never married because my parents in law couldn't have children.

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" --Marilyn Pittman "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."--Jerry Seinfeld "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"--Warren Hutcherson "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan!" --A. Whitney Brown "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry

Never hold your farts in.... They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that's where you get shitty ideas from.

Feeling blue or insecure? Losing sight of what's important? Still searching for the real "you"? In this self-help age of soul-searching, daily affirmations have been known to do the trick. But you probably shouldn't try these. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal. Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment. I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more. I honour my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all. Joan of Arc heard voices too. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain. When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying. All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts. I am at one with my duality. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears. I honour and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so." A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents. I will find humour in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

Why it takes a while to understand English! There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'. It's easy to understand UP, meaning towards the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP? In a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some men fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: a drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a shop in the morning and we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP. To be knowledgeable of the proper use of UP, look up the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, UP takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and definitions add UP to about thirty. If you are UP to it you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but is you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatening to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for a while it dries UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so I'll shut UP .... Cheer UP and please hurry UP and keep in touch.

THE RETROSEXUAL MAN Something to ponder over a skinny decaf / latte frapachino... I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand it any more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, Redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui". Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transexual, metrosexual, non-sexual, blue, green, and purple-sexual. Real men of the world, stand up, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement. The Code: A Retrosexual man, no matter what the woman insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE. A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tyre, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT. A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself. A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a God. A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need deodorant and shaving gear - that's it!! A Retrosexual does not dress like a homeboy with baggy pants that look like he's shat himself, or with a gay chain from pocket to pocket. If wearing a hat, wear it correctly - not on the side like a faggot. A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code. A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title. A Retrosexual does not let neighbours screw up rooms in his house on national TV. A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a handbag carrying little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it. A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak BBQ accident, favourite sports team being moved to a different city, favourite dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you. A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey. A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot. A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. This does not include males who have had cosmetic surgery. A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can-or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are. A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things that just need a little "wakin' up". Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your truck. When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you rude pricks" look on his face. A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married / engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance and drinking piss with the boys. A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils. A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he bloody well wanted it to land. Except on his truck - that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL WITH IT, or do both. A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person. Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract - a handshake is good enough. A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!

How Old Do You Think This Man Is? One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. He asked what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. The granddad replied, "Well, let me think a minute ... I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, well the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon. Your grandmother and I got married first-and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother, and every boy over 14 had a rifle that his dad taught him how to use and respect. And they went hunting and fishing together. Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, 'Sir'-and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.' Sundays were set aside for going to church as a family, helping those in need, and visiting with family or neighbours. We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, day-care centres, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living here was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums. We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day, 'grass' was mowed, 'coke' was a cold drink, 'pot' was something your mother cooked in, and rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby. 'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office, 'chip' meant a piece of wood, 'hardware' was found in a hardware store, and 'software' wasn't even a word. And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap. How old do you think I am???? Scroll Down - - ANSWER: This man would be only 59 years old.

MURPHY WAS AN OUT AND OUT OPTIMIST No good deed goes unpunished. Leak proof seals - will. Self-starters - won't. Interchangeable parts--don't. There is always one more bug. Nature is a mother. Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy. 90% of every thing is crud. If you're feeling good, don't worry - you'll get over it. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong, at the most inconvenient time possible. All warranties expire upon payment of invoices. Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit. Never eat prunes when you are famished. Friends come & go, but enemies accumulate. If you try to please every one, nobody will like it. A short cut is the longest distance between two points. You will always find something in the last place you look. You will remember that you forgot to take out the garbage when the garbage truck is about 5 doors away. The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong. But that's the way to bet. When in doubt mumble; when in trouble delegate. Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening. It is morally wrong to let suckers keep their money. A bird in hand is safer than one overhead. The chance of a piece of buttered bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere else - cheaper. Nobody's life, liberty or property are safe whilst Parliament is in session. The other queue always moves faster. Anything you try to fix will take longer & cost more than you thought. In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it. If you fool around with a thing for very long you will screw it up. A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10c fuse by blowing first. If it jams - force it: - if it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. Murphy's Golden rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules. Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean. Everything west of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Pacific Ocean. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. The light at the end of the tunnel will probably be the headlamp of an oncoming train. Celibacy and homosexuality are not hereditary. Never sleep with any one crazier than yourself. Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes to the bone. To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. (Freudian psychology). A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. If every thing is going well, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on. If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault. In case of doubt - make it sound convincing. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath, to the exact centre. The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before. When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly. A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth. Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it. Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his/her own level of incompetence, and then remains there. Every one should believe in something - and I believe I'll have another drink!

More Quotes On Life ... 1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't! 2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! 4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6) Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 10) I'm not a complete idiot-Some parts are missing. 11) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 12) NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 13) God must love stupid people; He made so many. 14) The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 15) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 16) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 17) Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! 18) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 19) Procrastinate Now! 20) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 21) A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 22) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 23) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere! 24) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 25) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. 26) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 27) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 28) The trouble with life is there's no background music. 29) The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

How To Survive A Shark Attack 1: Don't swim in the ocean. Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water, which should be salty. 2: Listen out for the music. In the event that you are foolish enough to recreate in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvellous documentary film "Jaws." All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the doppler effect. 3: Swim with fat people. Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with A-1 Steak Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds. 4: Don't panic. In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling.

WARNING, VIRUS ALERT: If you receive an email message with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous virus yet developed. It will rewrite your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any computer disks and cassette tapes that are even close to your computer (up to 20 feet). It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother's number. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous virus to be taken very seriously. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only 1940's hits and static while stuck in traffic. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not even matter if she is dead, such is the power of "Badtimes;" it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It will overwrite your word documents, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretation of key sentences. Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk carton with whole. Badtimes is an evil virus conceived by evil people. It is your duty to help alert the world! PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!

A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream: "I am ashamed of myself. This crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house." The bearer said to the pot: "Did you notice that there are flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw and so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path and every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house." Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them.

Darwin Awards 2004 Update... The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed. Remember all the stories below are true! 1. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister. 2. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to an end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward. 3. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles. 4. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a common place road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own. 5 A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground", Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma". 6. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalised. 7 Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked (you can see what's coming, can't you?). Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers. 8 WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. 9 WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a Gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up." 10 WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. 11 THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas, Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. 12 DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" 13 ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!" 14 NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!! In Modesto California, a man tried to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. He used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!) 15 THE GRAND FINALE Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks new to boating were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER THIS IS TRUE... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer............

Call Centre Dialling Options Press 1 if you find call centres annoying Press 2 if you don't. Press 3 if you are not sure Press 4 if you want to hear these options again. Press 5 to go back to the main menu. Press 6 if you want to think you're on hold only to find out you've been disconnected. Press 7 if you wish to be connected to a trainee who hasn't a clue what you're on about. Press 8 to be transferred to the wrong department. Press 9 to be ignored while you are forced to listen to twee electronic music while being repeatedly told that your call is important to us. Press 0 to be transferred to a foreign call centre who have no clue as to who you are, where your account records are, or why you should be calling them.

Here's why people over 35 should be dead ... According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived. Our baby cribs were covered with bright coloured lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, ... and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.) As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors! We ate cakes, bread and butter, and drank cool drinks with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one cool drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day!. NO CELL PHONES!!!!! Unthinkable! We did not have PlayStations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on DSTV, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls. We played football, and sometimes, the tackles would really hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents? We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Rugby, soccer and cricket had trials and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment! Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a standard and were held back to repeat at the same standard. Horrors! Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June? Why do dogs sniff other dog's bottoms to say hello, why don't they just bark in their face or something? Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been free? If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it? You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to people that work nights? If we had a president that was a woman, would her husband be the first man? Why do we have to wait till the water starts boiling before we can put pasta into the water? If a criminal turns himself in shouldn't he get the reward money? Why are blue Christmas lights so popular? Aren't red and green the traditional colors? Why do police officers wear tight clothes and dressy shoes? wouldn't that make them slower when chasing someone? If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? Why do birds bob their heads when they walk? Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill? How come wine and hard liquor doesn't come in cans, but beer does? When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die? If people say if you eat dessert before dinner it will ruin your appetite won't eating dinner before dessert ruin your appetite for dessert? Why do they call him a Skipper when he just stands there? Why does "lake" come first (Lake Michigan) and "river" come second (Mississippi River)? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? If I raise the volume on my radio, does it use more electricity? What would happen if: Everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time? Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on? If you died on the International Dateline, and half of you were on 1 side and the other half on the other side, what day would you die? If someone crashes his or her car on purpose, why is it still a car accident? If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price? If the weather man says "it's a 50% chance of rain" does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not? If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you? If Sunday is the holy day of rest why do we have to get up early for church? When you snap your fingers, does the sound occur when your middle finger releases from your thumb, or when your middle finger hits the palm of your hand? Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV? Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn't they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? What is the parking situation like at the Special Olympics? If the police see some one committing a crime but are on there way to investigate a crime do they stop or go to the one they were on their way to? Seeing as cupid is so good at matchmaking, does he have a girlfriend? Is an alcoholic just a drunk that's scared of a hangover? If shampoo comes in so many colours, why is the lather on your head always white? If a table is propped up can it be propped down? If our planet is inhabited with creatures made by God...is it possible that there's another planet inhabited with creatures made by the Devil? Why do they put Canadian bacon on Hawaiian Pizza? How come, in the Mini Wheat's commercials, Sweets has a Brooklyn accent and Wheat's has an English accent? They're attached at the back, wouldn't they have been raised in the same place? Why do people, such as S.W.A.T or Seals wear the bulletproof vests where you can see them? Wouldn't people aim for their head or crotch? If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research? Can you fart and burp at the same time? How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? Have you ever heard of a raisin that is not dry? If two identical twin brothers married identical twin sisters, would there kids be identical? If your glove is too big, does it still fit like a glove? Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs? Since you have to pull over when you see a funeral coming down the road...what would you do if there were a funeral coming down both sides? If you can test drive cars at the dealer's, why not test-drive lawnmowers around at a hardware store? Is there anything easier done than said? Is it possible for a narcoleptic to have insomnia? Since the U.S. says United We Stand, does that offend legless people? If no one buys a ticket to a movie, does the movie still play? Are you able to fart in heaven? Why isn't sour cream really sour? Do they re-use body bags? Or do they throw them away and get new ones? The people using them wouldn't care anyway? Why isn't the Q or the Z included on the phone Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway? If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? Do ducks sneeze? Why is that when fish die in water, they float to the top, but when humans die in water, they sink to the bottom? Don't you find it weird we teach our kids: scrub a dub dub, three men in a tub? Why do they call it "morning sickness" in the middle of the afternoon? Did you know there is a page 666 in The Bible? If money is the root of all evil then how come churches ask for it? Can vampires donate blood? If a fire truck was on its way to a fire and it passes another fire, which fire would it go to? If you could walk through the walls, wouldn't you fall through the floor? How come when you go in the front door of a church, you are at the back of the church, and if you go in the back door, you would end up in the front of the church? If your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say fire at will? Why is there an L in NOEL? If you eat regular rice crispies with chocolate milk will it taste the same as eating co-co crispies with regular milk? Why is Bra singular and Panties plural? What are those little things on the end of your shoelaces called? When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away? If they develop a supersonic train, will they give it a whistle? Do fish ever get thirsty? Why can't we sneeze with our eyes open? If there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed? If you stick on stickers on non-stick pans, would they stick on? Why don't ducks duck when you shoot at them? On a hamburger bun, why is the top bun always bigger than the bottom one? Why does breaking a mirror mean seven years of bad luck when seven is a lucky number?? Can angels eat devils food cake? If I think, and therefore I am, am I just a thought? If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? Why do the numbers on the phone go one way, but the numbers on the calculator go the other way? Why do we tie shoes to the back of a car for newly weds? Is it possible to do stand-up comedy sitting down? Is bad a bad word? If dinosaurs had sores.........what would they be called? What does the T in T-Shirt really mean? Why does the label on children's Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles when it's for CHILDREN!? Why do they call front seat shotgun? Why are all farms red? Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo? Why is there not a Channel 1 on TV? Why are there dents in a golf ball? Why are the obituaries found in the "living" section of the newspaper? How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich? When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not? What would happen if u put a humidifier and a dehumidifier in the same room? Are one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up? If you built a time machine with all new parts, when you went back would the parts you use disappear because they didn't exist then? How can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the same time? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to? Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars Did Noah keep his bees in archives? If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth? If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit? What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours? What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go? Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? What do mermaids eat? If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan? If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery? If anything's possible, then is it possible that nothing's possible? Is atheism is a non-prophet organization? If a baseball is hit out of the stadium, travels completely around the world, re-enters the stadium, and is caught by a fielder, is it a home run or an out? If a police car, an ambulance, a fire truck and a mail truck are all at a 4 way stop who has the right of way? Why are all farms red? Why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks aren't? Are there female leprechauns? Do judges and lawyers do jury duty? Do fish sleep? Would it be possible for a solar car to travel faster then the speed of light?

IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED... SUCK HARDER

triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle-loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 1130 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Peter Kay's Universal Truths: Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones. At the end of every party there is always a girl crying. One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger. You're never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps. Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator, then looked at it upside down. Reading when you're drunk is horrible. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly. You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl You never know where to look when eating a banana. Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat. Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly. Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball. You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses. Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school. The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad. The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity. Some days you see lots of people on crutches. Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush. Old women with mobile phones look wrong. It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee. Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited. You never ever run out of salt. Old ladies can eat more than you think. You can't respect a man who carries a dog. There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something. No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug. People who don't drive slam car doors too hard. You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with. Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose. Bricks are horrible to carry. In every plate of chips there is a bad chip. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

THE SHIT LIST GHOST SHIT: The kind where you feel the shit come out, but there is no shit in the toilet CLEAN SHIT: The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper WET SHIT: The Kind where you wipe your ass 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you wont ruin them with a stain SECOND WAVE SHIT: This happens when you're done shitting and you have pulled your pants up to your knees, and you relize that you have to shit some more. POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD SHIT: The kind where you strain som much to get it out, you practically have a stroke LINCOLN LOG SHIT: The kind of shit that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush GASSY SHIT: It's so noisy. everyone within ear shot is giggling. DRINKER SHIT: The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticable trait ... is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet. CORN SHIT: (SELF EXPLANATORY) GEE I WISH I COULD SHIT SHIT: The kind where you want to shit but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times SPINAL TAP SHIT: That's where it hurts so badly coming out you'd swear it was leaving sideways. WET CHEEKS SHIT: (The Power Dump) the kind that comes out of your ass and splashes all over the toilet bowl MEXICAN SHIT: It smells so bad your nose burns UPPER CLASS SHIT: The kind of shit that doesn't smell THE SUPRISE SHIT: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart. OOOPS a shit! THE DANGLING SHIT: This shit refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done shitting it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose

DYSFUNCTIONAL HOROSCOPE Aquarius: Jan. - Feb. 19 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistake repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are stupid. Pisces: Feb. - Mar. You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA and FBI. You have a minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals. Aries: Mar. - Apr. You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a prick Taurus: Apr. 20 - May 21 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddam communist. Gemini: May 22 - June 21 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However , you are inclined to expect to much for too little. This means you are cheap. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest. Cancer: June 22 - Jul. 23 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off, and that is why you'll always be on welfare and never worth a shit. Leo: Jul. 24 - Aug. 23 You consider yourself a born leader while others think you are pushy. Most Leo's are Bullys. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are always thieving bastards. Virgo: Aug. 24 - Sep. 23 You are a logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgo's make excellent bus drivers and pimps. Libra: Sep. 24 - Oct. 23 YOU are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are most likely queer. Changes of employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women make excellent whores. All Libras die of venereal disease. Scorpio: Oct. 24 - Nov. 22 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a plus-perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered. Sagittarius: Nov. 23 - Dec. 21 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack any talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal because you are always getting screwed. Capricorn: Dec. 22 - Jan. 20 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks, You don't do much of anything and are lazy. there has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for long periods of time as they tend to attract pigeons.

Why art history is bullshit A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of them had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink one. The curator of the gallery realised the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out: "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society". After the curator left, a Scotsman approached the couple and said: "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied: "in fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch!"

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch. My dilemma is: Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?

Complaints from Tenants ... I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. The neighbour's 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence. Not only is this making a heck of a noise, but the fence is now sagging in the middle. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. Would you please send a man to repair my spout, I am an old age pensioner and need it bad. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much. Its all right when my husband is on day-shift, but when he's on back-shifts or nights I get it several times a week from Mr. Docherty next door and at my age it's too much. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand? I am a single woman living in a downstairs apartment and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night. Please send a man with a clean tool to finish the job and satisfy the wife. I wish to lodge a complaint against my neighbour in 211. When I get undressed at night I can see him looking in my window with binoculars. Do I need to pull down my own shades? When I'm in the shower I turn on the water and I get hot. Could some nice repairman fix my pipes so I don't always get hot?

Reasons to Smile Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn... that was fun!" I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk." Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Analogies from actual high school essays... He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] [18] [19]

Jokes