SMS and Jokes

Blonde (Jokes)

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual off-colour and "dumb blonde" jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and says: "I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential...because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to Discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

What is the difference between an Essex girl and a mosquito.. A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it on the head.......

have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother". The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect) "Anything?" he asked. Yes,yes, anything" the blonde promised. "Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in And close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now get on your knees". She did. "Now take down my zipper". She did. "Now go ahead ...take it out ...." he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well...go ahead". The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it ..and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said........... "Hello, mum can you hear me?"

A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what happened. He told them it had happened at church. They insisted that you couldn't get a black eye at church, and wanted to know what really happened. So, he told them, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and prayed---I stood up to sing the hymns---there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen, and when she had stood up, her dress had got stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her and she did not like that so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day. The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church---I got on my knees and prayed---I stood up to sing the hymns---and there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack." At this point the other men interrupted and said "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of there again?" "No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that---so I shoved it back in."

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help? "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay", she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?" Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not". "Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her. "To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a very long, delicate and expensive operation." "I don't think I can afford it" said Sally. "Could you just replace the batteries?"

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the blonde girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."

A blonde at a party was telling her friend that she was off men for life. "They lie, they cheat and they're just no good. From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my vibrator" "So, what when the batteries run out?" asked her friend "I'll just fake an orgasm like always."

Did you hear about the overweight blonde woman that went to her doctor complaining about her lack of a sex life? "I have a solution," said the doctor: "Diet and everything will be okay." "What colour?" asked the blonde.

At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi ladies is French for 'come to me'" Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"

The police department, famous for its superior canine unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident. Returning home from work a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a dog unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. As the officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the blonde ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, 'I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!'

There are three blondes washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a mobile phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?" She replies "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though." "What's that, baby?" asks the husband. "How did you know I was at Sainsburys?"

Five Irishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The gorgeous blonde Italian customs agent stops and tells them, 'It's illegal to put five people in a Quattro.' 'What do you mean it's illegal?' asks the driver. 'Quattro means four' replied the blonde. 'Quattro is just the name of the car,' the Irishman retorted in disbelief. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons.' 'You can't pull that one on me,' replies the Italian customs agent: 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and are therefore breaking the law'. The driver replies angrily: 'Brainless idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!' 'Sorry, 'she said sweetly: 'he can't come right now. He's busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.'

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"

There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"

An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i. As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is alright. "I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out. "Everyfink is justa blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully. Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?" Oh my God NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralysed from the waist down as well.

bounced."

What's the difference between an Essex girl and a walrus? One has whiskers and fishy flaps. The other's a large sea mammal.

A blonde and her boyfriend were setting at home one night and became bored. "Hey, let's play a game" she said. "What game?" was his bored reply. "Let's play hide'n'seek. I'll give you a blow-job if you can find me." "What if I can't find you?" "I'll be behind the piano."

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"

How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door. "It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street. He'd been thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course and all my training came back to me in a minute." "What did you do?" asks the bartender. "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....? A: A blond doing cartwheels."

Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common? A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll? A: About 2 cans of hair spray

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A: She kept having affairs with men!

A high-class dress party is in full flow when suddenly a gorgeous blonde woman walks in...completely nude. The alarmed host rushes to intercept her. Where's your costume? he hisses through clenched teeth. This is it , she explains. I came as Adam. Adam?' her host explodes. You don't even have a cock! Oh I don't know, she replies, give me a few minutes...

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied every book, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit. When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!" Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!" Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right place, chair positioned just so, everything. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!" Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you, Lord?" The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"

What did the blonde call her pet Zebra? Spot.

After travelling a few blocks, the blonde realised she had no money and immediately informed the driver. "You'd better stop. I can't pay you and it's ten dollars already," she said. The driver checked her out in the rear-vision mirror. "That's okay," he said. "I'll turn down the first dark street, get in the back seat and take off your bra." "You'd be cheating yourself," she replied. "This bra is only worth five dollars."

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Jokes