SMS and Jokes

Blonde (Jokes)

Two factory workers were talking. "I think I'll take some time off work." said the man. "How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde. He proceeded to show her... by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy. "I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The blonde began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going? The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark.

A blonde pushes her car into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She asks, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked: "Is it on or off?"

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blond for her driver's license. The blonde driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?" The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop. After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde driver and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind....But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them.... Boy oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid... So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... "that in one year the windows would pay for themselves...." There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I have not heard back... Guess I won that stupid argument.....

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sasparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm. The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars." The two blonds looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy. Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy." Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this." Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand." But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this." So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians. Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . God . . . we're going to be millionaires!"

Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators? A. They chip their teeth.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

Q. What do you call a blond with a brain? A. A golden retriever.

What do you call two blondes shaking hands? A synapse.

Sherry and Christy are having coffee at Starbucks when Sherry says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!" "Oh, no!," says Christy "I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive." "I also heard that you've been calling me fat!" says Sherry. "Oh, no!," says Christy "I just said that the way you wear those stripes make you look larger than you really are." "I also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!" says Sherry. "Oh, no!" says Christy. "I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

Q: Why did the blonde go to the courthouse? A: There was a hung jury.

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The Instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio. So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was running smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The Instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out. "What happened?" the Instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?" "Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the big fan."

When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. "Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."

"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician solicitously. "Nah," replied the blonde mother to be. "He and my husband don't get along."

Why can't blondes get drivers licenses? During the test, whenever the car stops, they jump in the back seat.

Why are there no blonde ranchers? They can't keep their calves together.

Sylvia pauses, looks him up and down and replies, "Everything but my jewellery."

A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "OH MY!" the trooper gasped: "your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine," the blonde chirped." "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began: "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Er... ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off: "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth!"

Sharon and Tracy from Essex won a holiday in Oz, Whilst walking along along Bondi Beach in the moonlight, Sharon turns to Tracy and says ' which do you think is closest ? the moon or London?' To which Tracy replies 'Hellloooo!! can you see London?'

A man asks a blonde: How many bagels can you eat on an empty stomach? Four. That's Impossible. How? Once you eat one, your stomach is no longer empty. What a great joke! The blonde runs over to her best friend and asks the same question: How many bagels can you eat on an empty stomach? Five. Damn, that's no good. Why not? Because if you had said 'Four' I could have told you a great joke!

Why do blondes wear woollen panties? To keep their ankles warm.

Two blondes were discussing the morning's headlines in the Star, when one says to the other ' that Yasser Arafat was a Spurs supporter then
' 'How do you work that one out
' the other answered. 'Well it say here that he is being buried in the Gazza Strip' she replied.

A sexy blonde lady meet a handsome young man in a pub, after some drinks and a little tipsy the sexy blonde said to the young man, "My mouth is like a loud speaker, my two breasts are for tuning, left one is for tuning the channel AM or FM and my right breast is for tuning bass and treble depending which mode you want." The young man was aroused by the young lady expression, and said to the lady, "I don't believe it." Young lady said, "You can try it if you want". Young man said, "Ok come to my hotel room and prove it to me." They agreed and both holding hands and headed for the hotel room. Upon entering the room the young lady undressed herself and soon the young man start feeling the left nipple for AM/FM fine tuning. After a while nothing happen. He changed to the right nipple and start rubbing with greater pressure. Again nothing happened. The young man soon give up and ask the lady, "Hello sweetie, after I have tuned your AM/FM and treble/bass nipples there are no response." The blonde replied, "You forgot to PLUG IN your power."

wants to see you naked. PS I wish I had got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now.

"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model", the editor from the men's magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black". The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers. "What the hell did you do that for!", he exploded. She smiled sweetly and said "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once."

Q. What does a blonde say after a multiple orgasm? A. "Way to go, team!"

I urgently needed a few days holiday, but because I never had any leave due to me, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a few days leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Mad" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My colleague (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing ? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "Mad" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked: "What are you doing
" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are mad - take a few days off". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my colleague followed me, the Boss asked her: "...And where are you going?" All she said was: "I can't work in the dark..!"

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