SMS and Jokes

Bars and Drinking (Jokes)

A playboy, out for pleasure one evening, picked-up a well-dressed young lady at a bar and took her to his apartment. She appeared well-to-do, chic, and very intelligent. Thinking to make an impression, Mr. Playboy showed her some etchings, first editions, etc. He then offered her some wine, asking whether she preferred sherry or port. "Oh, sherry by all means!" she replied. "Sherry is like the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in this crystal-like decanter fills me with the anticipation of a heavenly thrill. When the stopper is removed and the beautiful liquid is poured into the glass and I inhale the delicious tangy aroma, I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. As I taste the magic potion, my whole being thrills and glows, it seems like a thousand violins throb in my ears, and I'm carried into another world." "Port, on the other hand, makes me fart."

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about the football, cricket and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are things in Bollington these days?"

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a good place. Then the American says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister."

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odour coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?" The drunk says, "'Cos I'm not finished yet..."

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me doesn't offend the other customers." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick up the kids from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him." So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please." "Where are you?" shouts the homeowner. The stranger calls back, I'm over here, on your swing."

A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk. She accepted. "What's your name?" he asked her. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name. Did your mother or father name you that?" "Neither. I changed my name when I was eighteen from Sharon to Carmen." "Why did you do that?" he asked. "Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What's your name?" "Beerpussy," the man replied.

A man is running short of cash in the bar, so he bets the barmaid ten bucks that he can bite his right eye. She thinks about it for a minute and figures it's a safe bet, so she says "you're on". The guy pulls out his glass eye-ball and bites it. The joke was on her and she laughs as she hands over the ten bucks. A little while later he offers her a chance to get her money back. He bets her ten bucks that he can bite his left eye. She thinks about it and knowing that he can see, thinks it's a safe bet. Once again she says "you're on". The guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. Laughingly she pays again. Later on he gives her a chance to get her money back. He bets her twenty bucks, double or nothing, that he can screw her without her feeling a thing. This is one she's sure she can win, so she takes the bet. After she gets off work the two of them go out the back of the bar and the guy spread-eagles her over the front of a car and gives her a hell of pummelling. She cries out ooh I can feel it, I can feel it, I win the bet. The guy says oh well, "you win some, you lose some".

Things that are difficult to say when you're sober... a) Innovative b) Preliminary c) Proliferation d) Cinnamon Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk... a) Specificity b) British Constitution c) Passive-aggressive disorder d) Transubstantiate Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk... a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you. b) Nope, no more booze for me. c) Sorry, but you're not really my type. d) No kebab for me, thank you. e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? f) I'm not interested in fighting you. g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing. h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool. i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street. j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment the woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it. The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now? "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!" Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast......"

A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple Scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?" After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend. "Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house." As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So what did you do?" "I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out." "That makes sense", said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog!'

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." ONE CENT that is way too cheap!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly sir "replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?".. The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants..... 'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits' he says..... 'You dirty git' shouts the barmaid 'get out before I get my husband.'..... The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants..... 'I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says..... 'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out!!' she storms..... Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. 'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?'..... 'I want to turn you upside down, open your flaps and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup'.... The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. 'What's up love?' he asks.... 'There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off', she says..... 'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband..... 'Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams.... 'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat..... 'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries.... The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on..... 'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically 'Look love. I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness...'

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked. "I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied. "I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second. "I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third. "OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"

Remember, an alcoholic & a drunk are not the same thing at all. The alcoholic has to attend meetings.

There are three guys drinking in a pub, when another man comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while he approaches the group of lads, and, pointing at the one in the middle shouts 'I've shagged your mum!' The other two guys look bewildered as the man resumes his drinking at the bar. Ten minutes later he comes back and yells at the middle guy again 'Your mum's sucked my cock!'. And then goes back to his drink. The same thing happens, ten minutes later he's back again and announces 'Oi! I've had your mum up the arse!'. Finally the guy in the middle stands up and shouts, 'Look, Dad, you're pissed, now bugger off home'.

Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord. The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps. "Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away. Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize." Looking at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde girl wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks the blonde, "How do you get into those pants?" The young girl looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

The case for drinking A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer Helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster more efficient machine. The result of this in depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years. This is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, We must not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.

Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby. He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, "You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one." Swampy turns a little pale and leaves. Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, "There is another on the way, so call back later." At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch. Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket game score. When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong: "The score is ninety-six all out," says the voice, "and the last one was a duck."

A man enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?" "One Pound Fifty ," the man answers.

A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with her friends. She awoke the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of a hang-over. So she rang for the butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee. "Jeeves" she said, "I can't remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?" "Well Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed" "But my dress?" "It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it up" "But what about my underwear?" "I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them." "What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!" "Only the first time, Madam."

Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time." "Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!" "OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"

A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one, "This is for the shame," and then the second one," This is for the glory." She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one, "This is for the shame," and then the second one, "This is for the glory." She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her, "Ma'am, I was just wondering...what's this about shame and glory?" "Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my great dane mounted me from behind." "That must be the shame," the bartender said. "No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked out and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes."

The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says: "That's fine. Have ye change for a wheelie bin?"

A woman walks into a pub and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gives her one.

An Arkansas hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him "Here friend, take a drink outta my jug." The man protested, saying he never drank. The hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded "Drink!" The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "Gee! that's awful stuff you've got there." "Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig."

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fair's rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun. He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull's-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live tortoise. The drunk wandered off into the crowd. An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bull's-eyes and was given another tortoise. Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target and pulled the trigger three times. Again, he scored three bull's-eyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight. "That's fantastic," the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?" The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. "Yes, sir!" he announced to the crowd, "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!" "I don't want any bloody glasses," the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"

This bloke walks into a pub, and there's a horse behind the bar serving the drinks. The lad is staring at the horse, when the horse says: "Hey mister - what are ye staring at? Haven't ye ever seen a horse serving pints before?" The bloke says, "No, no, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

One night, while tending bar, the bartender notices this hideous looking fella at the far end of the bar with several hot women around him. Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks down to where the ugly man is. The bartender says, "Please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've ever seen. In fact, you're quite ugly. Now, normally, I would think these ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the way you're dressed and the fact that they are buying YOU drinks, it's not the money. Tell me, sir, what is it about you that these women are so crazy about?" The man paused a moment, licked his eyebrows, and said, "I haven't the foggiest idea."

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Jokes