SMS and Jokes

Bars and Drinking (Jokes)

The Irish Guinness shortage has been solved. From tomorrow, customers will be served with a lager and a pair of sunglasses.

Hungover Signs You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still." Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. You're convinced that the chirping birds are Satan's pets. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a foetal position. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!" All day long your motto is, "Never again." You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

Important Warning WATER....... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in faeces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop! However, we do not run that risk when drinking beer because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting. WATER = Poop BEER = HEALTH Free yourself of Poop, drink BEER!!! It is better to drink beer and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.

Scenario: You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Answer: Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're pissed.

Three cowboys, one from Texas, one from Kansas and one from Oklahoma went into a bar bragging about who was the baddest of the three. The Texan said watch this and yelled at the barmaid "Hey, barmaid. Bring me a pitcher of beer and get your ass over here". When the barmaid got there the Texan guzzled down the whole pitcher, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off one of his fingers. She was startled. The cowboy from Kansas yelled out, "Hey, bitch bring me a beer with a shot of tequila and get your ass over here with it". Upon the barmaid getting there he drank the beer and tequila down, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off two fingers. The barmaid was terrified at this, especially after just witnessing the Texan. The Oklahoma cowboy spoke out and told the barmaid "Honey, bring me a whole bottle of tequila and hurry". Upon her arrival, he drank the entire bottle of tequila, unzipped his pants and slams his dick on the table. The barmaid screamed "You aren't going to shoot that off are you?" "Hell no, I want you to kiss it. It will go off by itself".

Beer Trouble SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him. SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. SYMPTON: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home. SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth. SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar. SYMPTOM: Ugly woman in your sights. FAULT: Insufficient beer intake. ACTION: Up the dosage. SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt. FAULT: You've been walking into things. ACTION: Maintain dosage. SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands. FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts. ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist. SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around. FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride. ACTION: It's too late, you made an ass of yourself.

"Hey, bartender," says a customer, sitting at the bar. "What kind of bird is that sitting on the perch?" "Oh," says Bob the bartender, "that's a Crunchy Bird!" "I never heard of a Crunchy Bird," says the patron. "Just watch," says Bob. He takes a newspaper off the bar and throws it down on the floor, then he turns to the bird and says, "Crunchy Bird, my paper!" The bird swoops down and attacks the newspaper. He rips it to shreds until there's nothing left but tiny pieces of confetti. "Wow," says the customer, "can I try?" "Be my guest," the bartender replies. The customer takes off his shoe and puts it on the bar and says, "Crunchy Bird, my shoe!" The bird flies down off the perch and picks the shoe up with his beak. He slams the shoe down on the bar and starts attacking it. In no time, the shoe is reduced to nothing but a few pieces of leather and a shoelace. Then the bird flies back to his perch behind the bar. Suddenly a tough looking guy walks into the bar. He yells, "Gimme a drink NOW!" He looks around the bar snarling and yells at the patrons, "What the Hell are you clowns looking at?" The bar is completely silent. Then the bully notices the bird and says, "What the Hell kind of stupid looking bird is that?" "That's a Crunchy Bird," says bartender Bob. The tough guy laughs and yells, "Crunchy Bird, my ass!"

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this." Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get." The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being. Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine. "I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered. "On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me a world of good." "But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed. "Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."

Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine", said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: "But the right name is important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity are: 10. Chateau Traileur Parc 9. White Trashfindel 8. Big Red Gulp 7. World Championship Riesling 6. NASCARbernet 5. Chef Boyardeaux 4. Peanut Noir 3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar! 2. Grape Expectations 1. Nasti Spumante The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

A guy walks into a bar and orders three whisky sours, drinks them down BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more. The bartender's having a slow night and appreciates the business, but is also concerned. "Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?"" The guy answers, "I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my wife alone. I've had my suspicions about our next-door neighbour, so I hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of cream." The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. "So you came home and found cream on the weight?" The guy downs his fourth whisky sour and says, "It's worse than that. The cream had been churned into butter."

BAR TRANSLATIONS "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.) "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU." (Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.) "HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.) "CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (FEMALE) (I'm easy.) "CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (MALE) (I'm gay.) "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE) (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.) "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE) (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?) "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE) (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.) "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (MALE) (I'm horny.) "WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.) "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE) (Get the hell out of the way.) "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE) (I am going to grope you now.) "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE) (Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.) "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE) (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that pretty, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.) "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?" (What's cheap?) "CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (MALE) (I'm really gay.) "CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (FEMALE) (I'm really easy.) "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR." (Did I sleep with him/her?) "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE) (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.) "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE) (I'm 16 .) "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE) (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew positive after my last visit here.)

A fellow is talking to his Irish buddy ad says, "I gotta stop drinking that Irish whiskey" "How come?" asked his friend. "Because every Saturday night I go out and drink a fifth of the stuff, come home, make mad passionate love to the wife, wake up Sunday morning, and go to church." "What's wrong with that?" the Irishman asks. "A lot of good Irishman go out on Saturday night, drink a fifth of good Irish whiskey, come home, do the wife, and go to mass on Sunday." "I know," said his friend, "but I'm Jewish."

A man walks into a bar and sets an octopus down on the floor. He bets all and sundry that the creature can lay any musical instrument going. Naturally several people try to take the owner's cash with thins like a trumpet an accordion a saxophone etc, but they all lose. Finally a hairy arsed Scotsman throws down a set of bagpipes and declares that the octopus cannot play that. The octopus crawls over the pipes for some time with no music issuing forth. The Scotsman said, "I told you so, pay up". The octopus's owner said "Wait a little longer friend. When it discovers that it can't fuck it it'll play it"

Signs That You May Be Hung Over You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to order the room you're in to "stay still." Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a foetal position. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!" All day long your motto is, "Never again." You could purchase a new television just by recycling the bottles around your bed. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut the fuck up!"

Hangover Ratings 1 star hangover No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries. 2 star hangover No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails. 3 star hangover Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once. 4 star hangover You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems. Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them. 5 star hangover You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently. 6 star hangover You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is simply not an option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed. OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!! Thought so!!

Two men walk into a bar. One sits at one end of the bar and the other at the opposite end. The bartender asks the first man what he wants. I'll have a Frizzle. That's a beer with a splash of tonic, a splash of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, no lime." Then the man at the other end of the bar orders. "Make mine a Frizzle. It's a beer with just a bit of tonic, a bit of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, but no lime." The astonished bartender makes the drinks. Then he asks the first man what he does for a living. "I am a theoretical mathematician at the university." Then he asks the other man what he does. "Theoretical mathematician at the college." "This is remarkable," says the bartender. "You both order a drink that I've never heard of. You have an identical profession and you both walk into my bar on the same day at the same time. What are the odds of something like that happening"? Both men look up and answer in unison, "Twelve trillion, nine-hundred, and eighty-seven billion to one."

"I think I'll have another drink. It makes you so witty and charming."

A drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom lady a few seats down -- I'd estimate a 44DD bra. A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of her breasts. This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him! He's laying on the floor and moans, "Why do you let the bartender do it?" "Because he has a liquor license! You don't!"

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00. With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminium recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily, and recycle. It's called the "401Keg Plan."

A, C, E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight!" The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development!" This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturale. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bass-less. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - and closes the bar.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?" The guy replies "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish." "Great, can I try it?" "Sure." The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie. The guy says, "I want a million bucks!" "Done" says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring in come ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door. "I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

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