SMS and Jokes

Bar Jokes (Jokes)

An obnoxious drunk in a bar trying to get a girl to go home with him says, "Hey, baby, how do you like your eggs in the morning?" Girl says, "Unfertilized. Beat it!"

Two hamburgers walk into a bar. They go up to the bartender and say, "We'd like two pizzas with mushrooms." The bartender replies, "I'm sorry we don't serve food."

This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender "I'll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That's incredible; I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down a monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piana player and says "Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it I'll play it."

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a girl wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks: "How do you get into those pants?". The young woman looks him over and replies: "Well, you could start by buying me a drink..."

This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm. Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The drunk says, "Any girl that can life her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!"

A sea anemone floats into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy a drink for that man in the corner." The bartender takes the drink to the man in the corner and says, "This is from your friend over there." The man replies, "With anemone like that, who needs friends?"

A bear went into a bar and ordered a beer. He gave the bartender a twenty and the bartender went to the other end of the bar to put the money in the register. The second bartender whispered to the first, "He's a bear, what does he know, short-change him." The first bartender brings the bear $10 in change. A little while later the bartender starts talking to the bear and mentions, "We don't get many bears in this bar." The bear replies, "I'm not surprised, at $10 a beer I sure won't be back again....

Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the barkeeper,"Hiya, Mike. Set 'em up for me and my pal here." Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted, "This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!" "That's not so great, "responded the friend. "There's a bar across town That'll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back for free." "Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed. "Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."

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Jokes