SMS and Jokes

Animals (Jokes)

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it. 7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet? 8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot. 9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous. 10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile. 11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home. 12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me? 13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back. 14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit. 15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!

How to Wash the Cat - by The Dog 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet (this step is optional). 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted . 3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, he is actually enjoying this.) 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Sincerely, The Dog

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my rotweiller, he want bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" When the repair man arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest rotweiller he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business. The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird !" And the parrot yelled out, "Get him, Spike!"

Q: Why do mice have such tiny balls? A: Because so few of them can dance. A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way, I'm a defective parrot." "Good Grief!" the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me." "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah," the guy says. "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says. "This is very embarrassing but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sport, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at Greek mythology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssst," says the parrot. "I'm defective. So the truth is nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You'll probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer." The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises and is insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and parrot goes, "Pssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it is about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black negligee and kissed him passionately." "WHAT????" the guy shouts. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her negligee, kissing and petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "THEN WHAT?" "He got down on his knees and continued to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down." "WELL," demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Buggered if I know," replied the parrot, "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the Wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So, going to the closet again, grabs another piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. He awakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but we got first and second place!"

One afternoon, a woman was in her back yard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The woman could tell from the dog's collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, the dog followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and the woman let him out. The next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, the woman pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "We have ten children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep."

Charlie was a famous race horse. Not only was he fast, but he could talk. Charlie was entered in the Kentucky Derby. A come from behind horse, he started at the back of the field and slowly past up the rest of the field until he was just behind the leader. Suddenly, he seemed to slow down and ended up in second place at the end of the race. Afterward, the owner came up and asked him what had happened. Charlie replied, "I'm really sorry boss but I got behind that little filly and she had the cutest little butt. I just couldn't pass her up." The owner voiced his displeasure and told Charlie that he would have to put blinkers on him for the Preakness. At the Preakness, Charlie repeated his performance, passing up all the horses until he got to the little filly when he again slowed down behind her. The owner asked again what had happened. Charlie replied, "Well boss, it was going great. I couldn't see to the left or right. All of a sudden, that pretty little filly cut right in front of me and I just couldn't pass her up. The owner said, "Charlie, I'm really sorry but I'm going to have to have you neutered before the Belmont." Charlie said "I understand boss. I deserve it for the way I've behaved the last two races." Charlie recovers from his surgery in time for the Belmont. The gate opens up and Charlie takes off but falls over right past the starting gate. The owner rushes onto the track. "Charlie, what's wrong? Did I rush you into this? Are you hurt?" Charlie looks up at the owner and says "Boss, it's not your fault. I was really ready for this race. My mind was on the race and I didn't even look at that little filly as we were going into the gate." "Well, then what happened." asked the owner. Charlie replied "The gate opened, I started to run and all of a sudden I heard the announcer say 'And they're off!' and I got so embarassed I crossed my legs."

An Irishman went to London for a visit to the circus. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Yes, I'm nine!" the boy said. The Irishman continued his loud heckling, still not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several other people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct. The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe. Then he turned back around, knocked the Irishman to the ground with his trunk and then stomped on him twice. The Irishman, crumpled and bleeding, staggered back to his feet and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, "Mother of Mary, he's right! Farty-two!"

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye? A winky wonky donkey What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin'love? A bonky winky wonky donkey What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind? A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes ? A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano? A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a truck? Talented

So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst into tears, I said "do you recognise the tune?", he said "I recognise the ivory".

A flock of Cumbrian sheep decided to go down the local on a bender coz they were depressed by Foot and Mouth Disease. By closing time they were all slaughtered.

A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she comments on the creature's rather hideous appearance. Princess: "My, but you are really an ugly frog!" Frog: "I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me." Princess: "Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you." Frog: "Look, leave me alone my dear. I told you, it's a really bad spell." Princess: "Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a prince?" Frog: "I don't know dear, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job."

A shepherd whistles to his collie to bring the sheep over the hill. The flock stays still. He whistles again. The flock still doesn't move. He walks up to the sheepdog and asks: "What's the score?" The dog says: "Celtic have just equalised."

Instructions for Giving Your Cat a Pill 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw. 9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, leaving its head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with plastic band. 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. 13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, and force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth, followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down. 14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat, and ring local pet shop to see if it has any hamsters.

There are these two ducks hanging around beside a lake, a lady duck and a gentleman duck, and it's the mating season. The man duck starts prodding her with his beak, and she says, "Here, what do you think you're doing? Haven't you any subtlety?" He says, "Oh, don't you want to, then?" She says, "Well, not here, there's people watching. Let's go to a hotel for the afternoon, like everyone else." He says, "Where's a hotel, then?" She says, "There's one there on the other side of the lake. Don't you know anything?" So they fly across the lake and plod into the hotel and she says, "Go on, ask him for a room." So the man duck says to the receptionist, "Quack! We want a room for the afternoon, please. We're on our honeymoon." The receptionist says, "Certainly sir; room 22, here's your key." So the ducks get in the lift and go up to the second floor and let themselves into their room. No sooner have they got in there than he starts prodding her with his beak again. After a while she says, "Hang on a minute. You got a condom?" "What?" he says. "A condom! This is 2003, and I'm not going to do it without a condom." "Oh. Well, er, where are we going to get one?" "Haven't you had any education?" she says. "Ring room service and ask them to send one up." "How do I ring room service?" "For crying out loud! Dial 0 and ask for room service." So he knocks the receiver off the hook, prods the 0 on the phone with his beak and asks for room service, and when they answer, he says, "Quack! I'd like a pot of tea for two; some scones; a couple of slices of cake; the evening paper; and, er, a condom." "Certainly sir," says room service. "That'll be with you in 10 minutes." So the ducks hang around for a few minutes looking out at the lake, and then there's a knock and the lackey comes in with the tray. He puts the tray down on the table, fishes something out of his pocket and says, "There's your tea, sir, and here's your condom. Shall I put it on your bill?" "Certainly not," says the duck. "What do you think I am, a pervert?"

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did! So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick pig let the straw pig in. Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did! So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pigs house and said," Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down." So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said " I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call. A few minutes passed and a big, black stretch limo pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats, carrying violin cases. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living crap out of him. Then one of them reaches into his violin case, pulled out a gun and fired killing the wolf. Then they got back into their limo and drove off. The straw pig and stick pig were amazed! " Who the heck were those guys?" they asked. "Those were my cousins from Jersey -- the Guinea Pigs."

LOST DOG, 3 LEGS, BLIND IN LEFT EYE, MISSING RIGHT EAR, TAIL BROKEN, RECENTLY CASTRATED, ANSWERS TO THE NAME "LUCKY"

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job." "Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!" "No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't tell him! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!"

A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman gives the horse a drink. Then horse complains loudly: "Hey, what sort of a barman are you! You forgot the little umbrella!" He finishes his drink and gallops out of the bar. After the horse has left, another customer, who had been watching the whole scene with increasing astonishment, turns to the barman and says, "My God, that is incredible! I have never seen anything like that before, never in my entire life!" The barman replies: "For God's sake, what's the big deal! Anyone can forget the little umbrella!"

A pony walks into a pub and says: "Barman, may I have a drink?" The barman says, "What? I can't hear you, speak up!" "May I please have a drink?" "What? You'll have to speak up!" "Could I please have a drink?" "Now listen, if you don't speak up I can't serve you." "I'm sorry," replied the pony, "I'm just a little hoarse."

Has anyone had to take a cat to the Vet? On public transportation? I did, and it was probably the most harrowing experience of my life except for when I had a spectacular bowel disorder. My cat had a Sheep Tick lodged on his head, that could not be removed, so I decided to take him to the vet. When I had bought the cat, I'd also bought a cat basket made from stout wicker for this very purpose. I went to the closet and took out the basket, but Cat saw it and gave me a cocky, head on one side, look that said, quite simply, "If you think I am going to humiliate myself by putting my fine, furry body in that, you can shove it up your arse, mate" So I put the basket on the table, and picked up the cat, cooing soft, gentle phrases that would have calmed down one of those dogs that are banned and owned by people with their names tatooed on their foreheads in mirror writing. Cat started to purr, albeit suspiciously. However, as soon as I got him near the door of the basket, his limbs shot so wide that he was clawing at both sides of the room simultaneously. There followed two minutes of what seemed like fighting with an angry furry octopus with more claws than Geronimo's necklace and the temper of Don King with his german helmet caught in his fly. "Come on, puss, go in" "Meow" "Please...ouch" "Hiss....snarl" "Get in you fat furry, followed by profanity" "Meeoooow...growl..." etc..etc.. Eventually I succeeded, because I am over 6 feet and 200 pounds. But I had been scratched so much that I looked like I'd had Freddy Krueger round for tea and angered him with a comment about his mother's facial hair. So, I took him to the bus stop and waited in the queue. Cat sat with his paws folded with an expression of loathing disgust, planning his ultimate revenge.... We got on the bus and sat down. It was the usual group of afternoon, off-peak passengers; Old ladies because they could travel for free and spotty adolescents going to burgle houses. For the first few minutes, Cat kept quiet, shuffling about a little, and licking his bottom. Then it started. "meow..." "Meowwwww..." "M E E OW....WOOOOOOO....WOWOWOWO.....MEEEEEEEOOOWW... grrrrroowwwwlll" The old lady next to me was rather startled. I think she thought it was an Air-Raid siren, and she started mumbling "Old Fritz is at it again and my Arthur was never the same after they shot one of his balls off" But it soon became apparent to everyone on the bus that it was Cat who was making the racket. Spotty kid at the back took his Walkman headphones off. Then came the bombshell. It started as the faintest whiff - the merest zephyr of cat shite wafting up my nose. It's worth pondering for a moment what goes on in a cats devilish insides. Consider what goes in at the front end. Certain brands of cat food in the UK have recently been classified as "fit for human consumption". But if I came home after a hard day at the office and found a tin of that laid out for my dinner there would be a great deal of shouting and a trip to the lawyer's. Cat food is vile. There is a common bond that is shared across humanity - everyone in the whole world, when opening a tin of cat food before breakfast shouts when they get a whiff of it. Even Arabs. So, considering the material a cat has to work with, coupled with a set of bile organs developed by Lucifer himself, you can understand why I was sitting on a bus surrounded by people looking like they were entrants in a Face Pulling & Pointing competition. And then came the urine. Yokshire, in North England (where I live) has recently suffered a drought. In an attempt to resolve the situation, Yorkshire Water Limited had to draft in hundreds of water tankers to top up the depleted reservoirs. They needn't have bothered. All they had to do was couple a pipeline to my cat's wang, erect a sizable distilling facility and provide gas masks to the local residents. I have never seen as much urine come from a living being. I've giggled at horses relieving themselves in fields, and I've seen an elephant taking an impressive leak in a TV programme. But they are insignificant compared to the amount of fluid that a cat can hold when it's angry. Steven Hawking alone can contemplate the multi-dimensionality that allows my 16 pound cat to store gallons of water in its zeppelin of a bladder. Of course, wicker baskets do not hermetically seal. So the fluid ran straight on to my trousers. My khaki, summer trousers. The crotch of my trousers. It was way before my stop, but I just had to get off the bus because people were starting to threaten me between retches. I walked down the aisle, dripping with wee, holding a caterwauling ball of furry anger in a basket. I had to walk about a mile to the Vet's, with people looking straight at the dark, damp patch that was my crotch. It was very difficult to retain my dignity. When I got to the Vet's, the man took one look at the cat, whipped out some tweezers and had the Tick removed in an instant. Presenting me with a bill that was large enough to buy food for a platoon of hungry soldiers with tapeworms, he said "You could have removed that at home - you needn't have made the effort to come all the way here". The next thing he said was "Ouch - there's no need for th...", followed by "Oh Jesus, my plums", and rounding off with "That bill has got to be paid -- it's no good wiping your crotch with it".

Notice to People That Visit Our Home 1. The dog lives here. You don't. 2. If you don't want the dog to be near you, stay off the furniture. 3. Yes, he has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What's your point? 4. OF COURSE he smells like a dog. 5. It's his nature to try to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff his. 6. I like him a lot better than I like most people. 7. To you he's a dog. To me he's an adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. I have no problem with any of these things. 8. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion quid for university, and if they get pregnant you can sell the pups.

Moshe wants to buy a parrot and goes to his local pet shop to see what they have. The assistant shows him a parrot and explains that this one is really quite special - it can speak most languages. So Moshe decides to test this out. "Do you speak English?" asks Moshe. "Yes," replied the parrot. "Hablas Espanol?" asks Moshe. "Si," replied the parrot. "Parlez vouz Francais?" asks Moshe. "Oui," replied the parrot. "Sprechen sie Deutsch?" asks Moshe. "Jawohl," replied the parrot. "Falas Portugues?" asks Moshe. "Sim," replied the parrot. Moshe pauses for a while, then asks the parrot, "Do you speak Yiddish?" The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says, "Nu? Vis a nose like dis, vot you tink?"

There was this little bunny.....walking through the bush and he stumbled upon a bottle of whisky that had been lying in the sun for some time....he decided to take a swig from the bottle, but it was so strong that it made him pass out almost instantly. Just then a jackal passed by and decided that he would also take a swig before he ate the bunny, but the same thing happened....and there they were both bunny and jackal lying unconscious in the sun. Next, a hyena passed by and he could not believe his luck....two meals on a plate, but he made the same mistake with the bottle.... Finally, a lion passed by, but decided that he doesn't eat jackal or hyena. Bunny was too small for him to even make the effort, so he decided to take a few large swigs from the bottle....and he duly passed out also. They're all out of it until the bunny stirred and sat up with a hell of a headache ....he shook his head.... straightened his ears and looked around. What a sight....there was an unconscious jackal, hyena and a lion lying around him.... "SHITE he exclaims....but I am one aggressive drunk!"

A pet can be a wonderful addition to a household, but it's important to choose one that's right for your family. Here are some tips for making a winning choice: Pets eventually grow old and die, causing your children great emotional trauma. Be sure to only choose pets which will outlive them, such as the giant Pacific sea tortoise. Be sure to check for the appropriate number of limbs before you get your new pet home. Pets soiling the rug in your house will only be a problem if they are given food and water. Pets are loving, trusting creatures. Do not treat them with the same cruelty and neglect you do your children. Though most experts advocate spaying or neutering your pet, it's expensive, it's a big hassle, and it screws with your pet's mind. To hell with spaying and neutering. Only choose a pet you are reasonably confident you can defeat in hand-to-hand struggle, in case of food-chain-hierarchy disputes. Pet ownership is a great way to teach children about the entire cycle of life, from the miracle of birth to the inevitability of death. An efficient parent can teach these important lessons in about three hours. Remind your children that pet ownership is a privilege they earn through good behaviour. If they do not live up to this responsibility, take the pet away by sacrificing it in an elaborate ceremony involving candles, knives, readings from the Book Of Numbers, and the ritual consumption of the pet's roasted corpse. Remember, pets need regular food, exercise, love and attention. You probably should not be allowed to own one.

A female reporter was interviewing a farmer concerning Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Jones, have you any ideas as to what might be causing this disease?" asked the reporter. "I sure do," the farmer stated. "Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Well, sir, that's new information to me, but what is the relationship between that and Mad Cow?" inquired the reporter. "In addition to that," continued the farmer, "did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" "That's very interesting, Mr. Jones, but what's your point?" demanded the reporter. "The point is this, lady," the farmer replied, "if I played with your tits twice a day, but only screwed you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

Doggy Quotes "The reason a dog has so many friends is that it wags its tail instead of its tongue." -Anonymous "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -Ann Landers "If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." -Will Rogers "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -Ben Williams "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -Josh Billings "The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -Andy Rooney "We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare, and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." -M. Facklam "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -James Thurber "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -Robert Benchley "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -Rita Rudner "Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." -Dave Barry "If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." -Unknown "Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -Robert A. Heinlein

A man had two Parrots, and he was having difficulties figuring out which is a male and which is a female. One day coming back from work he saw that one of the parrots was on top of the other. He caught the one on top and shaved his head, giving him a baldhead, thinking, now he could identify which is the male or female. The following day a friend of the owner of the parrot, who was bald, came looking for the man, the parrot called out to him. "Hey mister" when the man turned, the parrot said, "were you caught fucking too?"

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Jokes