SMS and Jokes

Animals (Jokes)

Wrapping presents with dogs Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor. Get tape back from puppy. Remove scissors from older dog's mouth. Open box. Take puppy out of box. Remove tape from older dog's mouth. Take scissors away from puppy. Put present in box. Remove present from puppy's mouth. Put back in box after removing puppy from box. Take scissors from older dog and sit on them. Remove puppy from box and put on lid. Take tape away from older dog. Unroll paper. Take puppy OFF box. Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that is getting in the way as he "helps." Let puppy tear remaining paper. Take puppy off box. Wrap paper around box. Remove puppy from box & take wrapping paper from its mouth. Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it. Take scissors away from puppy. Take tape older dog is holding. Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog & sitting on them again. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape & tape another spot. Take bow from older dog. Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with. Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up. Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face. Remove puppy from present & hurriedly slap tape on to hold the paper on. Take now soggy bow from puppy & tape on since the sticky stuff no longer sticks. Take pen from older dog, address tag & affix while puppy tries to eat pen. Grab present before puppy opens it & put it away. Clean up mess puppy & older dog made playing tug-of-war with remnants of wrapping paper. Put away rest of wrapping supplies & tell dogs what good helpers they are.

While travelling thru the Appalachians, a circus lost one of its elephants. The elephant wound up grazing in a hillbilly garden and the owner spied him. Not recognizing the type of beast it was the backwoodsman phoned the Sheriff. The Sheriff asked the man what the animal looked like to which he replied, "Well, he's big and grey and has a tail on both ends." The Sheriff then asked what the animal was doing. The backwoodsman replied, "He's standing in my garden pulling cornstalks up with his tail." The Sheriff then asked what's he doing with the cornstalks? The backwoodsman said," Sheriff, if I told you ,you wouldn't believe me!

The Creation of Dogs ... On the first day of creation, God created the dog. On the second day, God created man to serve the dog. On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog. On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour for the good of the dog. On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it. On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke. On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has in training. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning. The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start. The race begins and the horse is 30 lengths behind the pack after only half a furlong! He gives the horse an great backhand on the rump. Nothing. He then gives him a series of sharp slaps on the shoulder. Nothing. He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters. The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says "Will you stop it with that whip! I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver the milk"

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here." The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. I'll tell you something, buddy. At these fuckin' prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."

Super Powers Most Coveted by Dogs Invisibath -- The power to disappear at the first sound of bath water ViceHump -- The leg hump grip of steel AquaField -- Immunity to bucket of cold water when copulating in driveway Skeetvision -- The ability to shoot laser beams from your eyes to blast that damn Frisbee out of the sky SuperBladder, loaded with Toxi-Urine -- One lift of the leg and this town is mine! SquirrelFreeze AnalTelepathy/ButtSniffery -- Two powers which when combined allow one to smell another dog's butt without actually having to get up and move around. John-O-Matic -- Turns any toilet bowl into a crystal punch bowl by sheer force of will. ChuckSpeed -- Ability to catch that friggin' Wagon Train AntiPsych-Out -- Immunity to all that "fake throw" bullshit!! VacuCalm -- Utter self control whenever the vacuum cleaner is turned on. GucciTract -- An invincible digestive system that sustains itself entirely on designer shoes. King Fido's Touch -- Everything you touch turns into a milkbone. DoberMorph -- Ability to change into a Doberman anytime someone rolls up a newspaper

Bloke walks into a bar with an elephant. "This elephant will do anything," he announces proudly. "All right," says the barman. "Make it stand on one leg." So the bloke lifts the elephant's ear up and whispers something to the elephant. Moments later the great grey beast lifts itself up onto its hind legs then carefully balances itself up on one leg. The crowd in the bar go wild with enthusiastic cheering. "Very clever," says the barman. "Now lets see it fuck my cat." And so saying, he plonks the genial bar cat onto the bar. The bloke with the elephant thinks a moment then takes the cat and places it on the floor in front of the elephant (who is still poised Bolshoi like on one leg). He gets up on tip toe and whispers something in the elephant's ear. As silence descends on the drinkers in the bar, the man steps back and the elephant teeters over and comes crashing down, splattering Tiddles across the floor. "There you go," says the bloke. "That's fucked it."

Subject: Pet Rules To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - snout height. Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door: To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets 1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.) 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: 1. Eat less 2. Don't ask for money all the time 3 Are easier to train 4. Usually come when called 5. Never drive your car 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends 7. Don't smoke or drink 8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions 9. Don't wear your clothes 10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that. I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage. I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.) I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks. We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again. I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves. I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back. When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door. I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them. I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups. When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are not a hammock. Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files. I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill." I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up. I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln. If I must claw my human I will l not do it in such a way that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt. If I must give a present to my human guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live bug, even if it isn't as tasty.

Mother rabbit hops out of the burrow and tastes a turnip. She says to Father rabbit "that turnip tastes pithy". Father rabbit tries it and says, "You're right, it does taste pithy". Baby rabbit pops out of the burrow at that point and says "That's because I just pithed on it".

A fellow walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a Master Chief Petty Officer from the local Naval Air Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a line service monkey, please." The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the Chief, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The Chief paid and left with the monkey. Surprised, the fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that was a line service monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all Naval aircraft, conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no mistakes. He is also trained in all carrier flight deck ops. He's well worth the money." With his interest peaked, the fellow looked around and spotted a monkey in another cage with a $10,000 price tag. "That one's even more expensive! What can it do?" "Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey. She can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper. The guy looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". Holy crap! What does this one do?" "Well, the shopkeeper said, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his pecker, but his papers say he's a pilot."

Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and walks up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-coloured paint," he says. "Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?" "My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win." "Well, you can't do that, Man!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!" "No, they won't," Jim replies. "Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him." "You're on!" says Jim. Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten bucks on the counter in front of the clerk. "So the paint killed your bird?" "Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."

A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mum am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother. "Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm fucking freezing.

It's 2 in the morning and the travelling salesman calls the front desk at his motel and asks for some female company but with certain physical characteristics. "She's got to be taller than 6 ft. and weigh no more than 100 lbs.," he tells the desk clerk. 30 minutes later, there's a knock on his door and he opens it to see a tall, lithe young lady. "I'm here for your pleasure, sir," she says. "What do you weigh and how tall are you?" She replies, "6'2 and 97 lbs." "Perfect," he says. "Now take off all your clothes and get down on all fours on the floor." As she does this, he walks to the bathroom door, opens it and ushers in a big St. Bernard dog. The dog looks at the girl and the girl looks at the dog and the salesman says, "Now Fritz, do you see what you're going to look like if you don't finish your dinner?"

Two guys were out walking their dogs, when one dog wanders off to pee against the wall. Like dogs do, it raised its leg and started to do his thing. The second dog then goes up and starts to go exactly where the other dog did. But instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs, put both paws on the wall and relieved himself. One guy says to the other, "Wow, how did you teach him to pee like that?" The second man replies, "I didn't teach him. He's done it ever since the wall fell on him!"

Two desert travellers rented a Camel from Hertz Rent-a-Camel. Out in the middle of the desert the camel stopped and laid down. The chaps could not get it to arise no matter what they tried. They stopped a passing Caravan and asked the leader to send out a camel mechanic when they got to the nearest village. A few hours later the Mechanic arrived. He looked in the Camel's mouth, ears, and up its rectum. He went to his tool bag and pulled out a large rubber headed sledge hammer. He raised this high in the air and brought it down on the Camel's belly, as hard as he could. Well, that camel let a fart you could hear and smell as far away as 17 sand dunes. It then struggled to its feet. "Ah ha!" the Mechanic said. "Just as I thought! vapour locked!"

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

Keli's kitty isn't feeling well - a bad case of constipation. She takes it to the vet, who gives her a new kind of laxative. "Give her about six teaspoons of this, and she'll be better in no time." Keli does as she's told and returns a week later. The vet asks, "Well, how's your cat doing?" "I'm not sure. The last time I saw her, she was heading toward the north end of town with ten other cats. Five were digging, three were covering, and two were scouting for new territory."

Two caterpillars were sitting on a leaf when a butterfly flew past. One caterpillar turned to the other and said, "You will never get me up in one of those fuckin' things!!"

Joe buys a parrot, and the first night he has it, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!" After he takes her home, he says to the parrot, "You pull that shit again, I'll slash your throat and throw you in the toilet." The next night, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!" Joe grabs the parrot, slashes his throat, and throws him in the toilet. He goes back to the girl and it turns out she's having her period, so she excuses herself to go yank out her tampon. She's sitting on the bowl after she yanks it out, when she hears, I'm gonna live! I'm gonna live!" She says, "What do you mean, 'You're gonna live'?" The parrot points to her bloody snatch and says, "If you can live with a gash like THAT, I can live with a gash like This!"

An Angora rabbit decides he wants good sex, so he goes to one of those houses. There, he asks the keeper, a fox of course, for a mate. "For you, I got this nice little squirrel," says the fox. "No, better give me a Boa snake," replies the rabbit. "But a Boa will eat a little Angora rabbit like you alive!" says the fox. "Never mind, just give me the woman -- I want a big, long, cold Boa snake," answers the rabbit. So he is taken to this incredible Boa female. Seeing the little rabbit, the snake swallows it in a second. But, because it's an Angora rabbit, the Boa, with its stomach irritated by the fur, spits the little animal out, so powerful, that the rabbit lands two kilometres away. In the end, the rabbit slowly gets on his feet, with a huge smile expressing happiness and content on his face, and proudly says to himself: "Oh, boy, what a blow job!"

Once upon a time there was a little yellow toad crying in the forest. The Good Witch came along and asked the little yellow toad, "Why are you crying, my friend?" The little yellow toad said, "All my friends are green and I'm yellow. I want to be green like all my friends... sniff, sniff." The Good Witch replied, "No problem!" And she tapped the little yellow toad with her magic wand and the little yellow toad turned green... all except his private parts, which remained yellow. "Oh no!!" exclaimed the little toad, "I can't go through life all green except for my private parts! You have to make me green all over!" The Good Witch said, "Sorry, I don't do private parts. You will have to go see the Wizard!" So, off the little toad went to see the Wizard. The Good Witch continued on into the forest where she came upon a little brown squirrel crying very hard. "Why are you crying, little brown squirrel?" the Good Witch asked. "Because," said the little brown squirrel, "all my friends are red and I want to be red, too...sniff, sniff." "No problem!" said the Good Witch. And she tapped the little brown squirrel and turned him red... all except his private parts, which remained brown. "Oh, no!!" exclaimed the little squirrel, "I can't go through life all red except my private parts! You have to make me red all over!" But the Good Witch said, "Sorry, I don't do private parts. You will have to go see the Wizard!" But the little squirrel started crying harder and said, "But I'm new around here! I don't know the Wizard! How will I find him??" And the Good Witch said, "Oh, that's easy! Just follow the yellow dick toad...."

A group of bats is hanging around, upside down, as usual, mostly sleeping. Suddenly one notices that Charlie is on the floor, standing upright and looking around. "Hey, Charlie," he calls out. "What are you doing down there?" Charlie looks up and says, "Yoga!"

Study at the Oregon Health and Science University shows that 8% of sheep are gay, and 73% of those prefer farmers.

Animal takes on human sex Dog: "Oh, God, not again. Let's turn the hose on them." Dog: "Great, there goes the urge to drink out of the toilet." Cat: "Y'know, if I didn't have a tail, I'd try that." Dog: "I've heard about that position -- it's called 'human style.'" Sheep: "It's just a phase. He'll be back." Dog: "How strange -- why would you want someone else to lick it for you?" Rabbits: "Amateurs!" Dog: "Geez, they have to look at each other's faces while they're doing that??" Dog: "Let's hop on and make it a conga line!"

Three male mice are sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila arguing about how tough they are. The first mouse says, "I'm so tough I break into the cupboard just to eat the rat poison." He slams down his tequila and looks at the second mouse. The second mouse replies, "That's nothing. I'm so tough I run through a mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip onto my back & bench-press the killer springed trapwire." He slams down his tequila and looks at the third mouse. The third mouse slams down his tequila, slides off his stool and begins walking away from the bar. The other mice scream, "Oi! Softy!, where do you think you're going?! The third mouse replies, "Home to shag the cat."

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10]

Jokes