SMS and Jokes

10150 Jokes & 2703 SMS in Database

Jokes Top 10

1 Fuck me it is hot in here.

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Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition. The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?" "Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Bill Gates." The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

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Q. What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? A. The 1995 Hide and Seek World Champion.

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Wonderful Rugby Quotes ... "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." - Colin Cooper - Hurricanes head coach Chris Masoe (Hurricanes) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." - Colin Cooper on Paul Tito David Nosafora (Auckland) talking about Troy Flavell "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'David, I don't know and I don't care.' David Holwell (Hurricanes) when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes first." "Andy Ellis - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago" (Murray Mexted) "Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Ma Nonu) "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Jerry Collins) "That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical." (Tony Brown) "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Tana Umaga) "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby - but none of them serious." (Doc Mayhew) "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Anton Oliver) "I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14,but there are none better." (Murray Mexted) "I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." (Ewan McKenzie) Murray Deaker: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?" Tana Umaga: "On what
" "Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Murray Mexted) "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." (Murray Mexted)

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Spiderman reminds me of adolescence. One day a teenage guy wakes up with muscles, hair in new places and the ability to spray white sticky goo around the house.

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What's seven inches long and begins with a "P" ? A shit.

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A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has in training. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning. The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start. The race begins and the horse is 30 lengths behind the pack after only half a furlong! He gives the horse an great backhand on the rump. Nothing. He then gives him a series of sharp slaps on the shoulder. Nothing. He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters. The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says "Will you stop it with that whip! I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver the milk"

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A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?" To which the boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"

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Medical Staff = A Doctor's cane

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A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman... then... pow!... it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhhh... my wife found out..."

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SMS Top 10

There's a gap in your life! Mind if I fill it!

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GLOW IN THE DARK I really, deeply wish tat u r here wif me in my room, on my bed & lights is off & we get under the cover together.. 2 show u my.. new watch tat glow in the dark

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Yo Uncle so poor I went into his house, swatted a pesky firefly and he screamed - "Who turned out the lights?"

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I'm a frog but if u kiss me I'll turn into a prince

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when she was born the Doc smacked her face.

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Mobile phones are the only things in live of which men talk about having the smallest.

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The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

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I think the sun shines out of your arse. Well, you're living proof that even a turd can be polished.

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Dear God, I will keep it brief otherwise they will steal my dinner. AMEN

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A friend is someone with whom you dare to be yourself. -- Frank Crane

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